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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Behaviour problems at nursery - But what do I do about it?

15 replies

sleepypig · 17/03/2009 20:03

Just joined mumsnet and this is my first post so please excuse me if I don't follow the etiquette.
My daughter is 23mths and been in nursery since she was 6mths. 3mths ago she moved to the toddler class. Mostly settled down ok but occassionally cries when I drop her off. She begun hitting other children (we think for attention) and I have agreed a plan with the carers (basically ignore her and give attention to the child hurt) however, though this is working, she has started pinching the faces of other children instead. This has gotten worse and the nursery have said we need to look at something else. Any suggestions? I can't be the only mum that has had this problem and would like to know what else we can try!
HELP!

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missmapp · 17/03/2009 20:04

Does she do this when playing with friends at home or is it only when at nursery?

rubyslippers · 17/03/2009 20:05

it is usual behaviour

my DS was a biter after being a bitee

he was a late teether and needed to chomp on things (small children being a favourite)

some of it was also frustration

i think the nursery tactic of ignoring the bad is spot on - they also need to identify some flashpoints and help reduce these

often i bet this is triggered by sharing or lack there!

Original poster

sleepypig · 17/03/2009 20:07

She is fine at home with visiting friends.

OP posts:

tattycoram · 17/03/2009 20:08

Hallo, welcome. I've been in exactly your position. What does the nursery mean by you need to look at something else? Do they have any suggestions? This is very very common behaviour in toddlers. I honestly don't think there is anything else you can do but what you are doing. My DS is 26 months and has been doing this since he was about 18 months. Now we remove him from the action and tell him off but to be completely honest it doesn't seem to make much difference.

Sorry that's a bit rambling and not much help but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

tattycoram · 17/03/2009 20:09

The way that our nursery manages it is basically to watch him like a hawk and pounce when he looks like he is going to hit.

missmapp · 17/03/2009 20:10

Then it prob is an attention thing at nursery and the ignoring idea is the best way to go. My ds1 went through this, it was when he got a bit bored and tried to find his own entertainment!! It soon stops when they realise they get no attention that way.

CMOTdibbler · 17/03/2009 20:11

According to DS's nursery, this is very common, and especially just coming up to 2 when they don't have enough language to make themselves fully understandable.

DS was a biter . Nursery did 'settling down' which is sort of like time out in that they go and sit on the quiet area cushions for a couple of minutes. If he did it more than twice, he went to the managers office to settle down with her.

They also closely shadowed him, and identified flash points when it was most likely to happen - also who it was most likely to happen to, and separated them. It soon stopped, and hasn't recurred

rubyslippers · 17/03/2009 20:11

that is waht my nursery did CMOT

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 20:13

Normal behaviour, but you are right to be liaising with the nursery to try to curb it. My son's nursery allocated one member of staff to 'shadow' DS, to try to ward off the biting/hitting before it happened. If it did happen, they took him out of the situation, and he missed out on some of the fun group activities.

Regular communication with the nursery is a good thing, but they shouldn't be putting the onus on you. It should be a collaborative approach ...and remeeber - they are the 'experts'. If they feel they have exhausted all options (doesn't sound like it has got this far yet) they can ask for advice or more support from your LEA.

I am almost certain your DD will grow out of this, although it may be some time before she does.

DS is now 4 and miles better - never bites/pinches and only rarely lashes out.

purepurple · 17/03/2009 20:15

this is normal behavior and I don't really see what the nursery expect you do do about it when the behaviour happens there
they need to use distraction, coupled with shadowing
when they see your DD about to nip/hurt another child they need to act fast to distract her, but not to tell her off.
This can lead to the child learning that any attention is better than none and the one surefire way to get attention is to hurt another child!
By distracting her they will avoid the bad behaviour and hopefully she will grow out of it.

Original poster

sleepypig · 17/03/2009 20:20

The nursery is mainly trying to keep me informed/involved and I like to be proactive with ideas on this sort of thing (helps me get over my working mum complex !). But also so I can be consistent with dealing with the issue at home (though in this case it doesn't apply).
Thanks for all the comments so far - I'm really imnpressed with the response in the 15mins that I posted it!

OP posts:

tattycoram · 17/03/2009 20:38

Actually I've found it helpful too, I might try going back to ignoring hitting and biting too (prays for the time ds grows out of it all)

Blarbie · 17/03/2009 20:40

Hey sleepypig, my 21 month old daughter does exactly the same. If another child has a toy she wants and she thinks she should be playing with it she has bitten, pulled hair and her current thing is the pinching face thing. More annoyingly she did it the other day to a little boy who had done nothing, she just went over and pinched his face!
I'm a childminder so I'm the one who sees what is going on. I have another minded girl of the same age and she does the same, although I have to admit my daughter is slightly worse!
To be honest unless you see it happen and deal with it immediately there is not a lot you can do. You don't see it happen so all you can do I guess is the disappointed face with your daughter when you are told and have a little chat about it and explain it's not nice.
What I do is try to stop it happening in the first place, for this you need hawk eyes and a good insight into what they're thinking and about to do. It's impossible to prevent everything though, but when instances occur I do same as your nursery - time out for as long as it takes to console the victim, then an apology/stroke/kiss/cuddle and move on. I do tell the perpetrator what they have done wrong and why it is wrong and gradually they are all learning.
Pure purple - distraction is great to prevent these things happening, but if it gets to biting/hitting/pushing/scratching/pinching I feel it's important to have a consequence.
The problem is when you have kids of the same age together they do want the same things so squabbles happen. Your nursery should be able to deal with this as it is not uncommon behaviour. What do they want you to do?
Oh, my daughter in particular mainly does this when she's tired and I make sure no other children go near her if she's on time out as I know she'll lash out at them.

ICANDOTHAT · 18/03/2009 09:34

sleepypig
How is her communication? I found that my ds used physical means to get attention from other children as he was not talking very well at this age. Just a thought .....

smee · 18/03/2009 14:01

I think it's a balance. She's doing it to get attention to a certain extent, so if you ignore what she's doing, she might do it all the more until someone has to stop her iyswim. I'd argue that maybe she has to be moved immediately when she does it and gently but firmly told no, that's wrong. ie she gets some attention, but it's not what she wants.

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