My son is v shy, but especially when he is with me!

[chaliepud]

I am actually thinking I will talk to the HV or a psych but thought I would ask the experts first! My son is just 4 and has always been very much a mummys boy, he is only just starting to let his Dad gets his drink, play with him, tho is ok when I am out. He has a couple of good friends around his age who he plays well with and is very comfortable, tho not loud, at pre-school, where he does 4 mornings. He is at his worst when out an about, he just will not play with other children and shouts at me that he wants to go home, I think he is scared and feels so comfortable with me that he cannot play with anyone else. I am worried that I am somehow sapping his confidence rather than building it. He is becoming mute when there are others around which is frightening. Has this happened to anyone else? Any advice? He has an older brother and sister who don't do everything for him, and they are 10 and 8 and at junior school and both are very confident.

Sounds like he is letting you do all his talking cos it's easier, or a habit. Mine both tended to defer to me when they were little, both were shy and it was just easier fro them if I did the talking, deciding etc. Back off a little. When you're out and about ignore him a bit. Become totally preoccupied with that book/leaf/signpost so he HAS to respond to others in his own way.

Can you conjure up situations where other children or adults ask him something when you're too busy to repond so he has to reply?

My DS1 was exactly like that at 4yo - when he started nursery at 3.5 it was 6 weeks before he would even answer the register, although he would speak to teacher on one to one basis. I worried a lot, but in the end the wisdom of other mums (mostly on mumsnet) persuaded me to leave him be. Now at 8, he has dozens of friends, has had good speaking parts in school plays, will call across the street if he sees someone he knows and is supremely confident in his ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to.

With hindsight, I firmly believe that my attempts to "help" him only made it worse as all the time I was "encouraging" him to be more outgoing it came across as criticism. It was only when I started saying to myself, "well if he doesn't want to join in he doesn't have to" etc that he came out of himself.

My 3 1/2 dd is exactly the same. It has really been upsetting recently as where ever you look her peers seem to be playing so well together. I have tried talking to her about it and today she did start communicating a little towards the end of the day. A friend told me that Stage Coach do some good classes to boost children's confidence and they worked for his daughter. They start at 4 yrs. Good luck

Thx v much, I will try and back off a bit! He refused again today to play with the boys in the park, but because one of his fave (girl) friends was there he did play with her and one other girl, it was lovely to see him playing....

chalie - your DS seems so like mine. All through infant school and nursery all his friends were girls. I really worried about what would happen when the girls decided they didn't like boys anymore, but as if by magic, this year (his first in juniors) he suddenly has a group of 3/4 close boy friends .

Thx WD, fingers crossed he will improve then, he actually went, with me, to a bowling party yesterday and happily joined in, he knew all the boys from pre school which helped and the fact that the were doing something individual in a group helped too. (He won! - Not that I am competitive or anything...)