So worried - 5 year old lying at School

[Eve4Walle]

Just had a call from DDs teacher saying she was worried about DD as she had been upset yesterday. Turns out DD (5) has told her that 'Mummy's been having a rough time' and 'Mummy and Daddy are splitting up'. Neither are true. Last week I had some family issues which upset me, but nothing that I let on to DD about.

The call made me feel terrible, but I assured her teacher that all was well. But I have wondered for a while if we were being 'watched' and this panics me as I know it really doesn't take much for alarm bells to ring etc etc.

How can I explain to DD that she mustn't lie? Am really worried, advice appreciated please.

You sound as though you have a bright little girl who is trying to rationalise what she is hearing/ seeing at home. Children at this age notice a lot more than most people would give them credit for. You may have to be more frank with her about any arguments etc, and reassure her that just because you are arguing, it doesn't mean that you are splitting up etc... I am sure she doesn't think she is lying- she is just conveying her fears to her teacher. I think that if you explain more to her about what is going on, in language she can understand, she will stop expressing these fears at school and talk to you about them more instead.

You don't need to go into any gory unnecessary detail- for example if you were having a miscarriage, you might say to a five year old that you were upset because a baby had been growing in your tummy, and you were looking forward to it coming, but that it's not coming any more and you are sad. That sort of level of detail.

ps; Her teacher will not be "watching" you. She just wants to know how to handle your dd at school if that is the case. You must remember that children carry on going to school while there is illness, death, divorce, unemployment, abuse etc happening around them, and teachers need to be very careful about how they handle children during these times, and what they put into the curriculum. Putting a story about a parent dying into the literacy programme for a class of 8 yr olds when one of them has just lost a parent for example could be extremely upsetting to that child, and stay with them for ever. Hence the teacher ringing to check. Tell the teacher what you have said here, and she will handle any such statements from you daughter appropriately in the future.

I'd second what Duchesse says - children often do pick up on things when we're trying to "shield" them from unpleasantness or upset, and because it's not being spoken about they fret and try to make sense of it themselves. And because they don't have many examples to work from, they'll assume it's something they've maybe heard of from other families or stories.

Explain to her you were a bit upset and cross, but you and Daddy aren't splitting up.

Teachers do see the emotional effects on the children of all sorts of things, and it's best for them to understand what the real story is so they can reassure and/or sympathise as apporpriate.

Thanks for your thoughts. I did wonder if I was being a bit OTT about it, but on reflection, I think I know what's cased this from DD.

My BIL (DH's brother) recently split from his girlfriend of 8 years and the mother of his child, my nephew, and is now living 200 miles away with a new girlfriend. At the time of their split, we did have a few questions from DD about why it had happened, and we tried to explain the best we could, that SIL and BIL had been arguing and had decided that they were better as friends. I think DD was upset more than she let on, and maybe this is what caused the problem.

DH and I will take more care in the furture not to have 'discussions' in front of either of the kids.

Well, if you do have disagreements, it's not the end of the world, but it's important that she sees you getting over it and being friends again, so she understands it's something which happens but not usually a cause of splits. I think you're right that it will be having seen a family split up which makes her realise these things do happen.

My 5 year starting lying alot . His dad and I have been broken up about a year and a half . He has started saying that my current boyfriend is calling him names and also telling my dad alot of lies . Please tell me this is normal . His dad is very short fused and blows up everything bigger then it is . Don't want his lies to get out of hand and cause problems any advice!

Without trivialising any of the events that have occurred in your lives, it may also help to remember that lying is a common stage in childhood development. Some are worse than others, and they usually grow out of it eventually.

worried- firstly, are you sure they are lies (about your b/f calling him names?). You need to be certain of this before you decide your son is at fault. He will always be your son, whereas your boyfriend may not stay. You need to make sure you keep your son's trust.

Secondly, if you are CERTAIN that he is "lying", please be sure that your ex is not asking him leading questions in order to get the answers he wants. (as in - "Has < mum's b/f > been calling you names? Obvious answer for frightened 5 yr old is "Yes" if that's what dad wants to hear. It's a bit different from little boy saying entirely of his own accord " < mum's boyfriend > called me X".) It is very easy to lead a five yr old's answers, and they generally want to please their parents.

my little brother told his teacher that my parents were getting divorced at about the same age based on things i had told him, when in fact two ofmy best friend had parents getting divorced so i had just talked about it in general and sort of said "Mummy and Daddy might get divorced one day" without realising it could upset him