new behavioural problems in 2 year old, following birth of sibling! Please help!

[happynappies]

Baby #2 was born two weeks ago, and despite careful preparation, and lots of praise and positivity for helping and getting involved with her brother, dd has started displaying some difficult behaviours. For example spitting (purposefully, smiling when we tell her her behaviour is not acceptable), hitting, shouting, screaming 'no'... I know that having a second child is a massive change for her, and am trying so hard to be understanding of the psychological upheaval etc, but it is really hard to know whether we should be clamping down harder on these behaviours? I drew up a chart for her today to collect stickers for the absence of these behaviours, thinking that this positive approach might encourage her - but no joy. She is so wilful, and it is really upsetting to see her behave like this! Anyone got any experiences to share? I feel torn apart here - trying to be with newborn, husband going back to work next week, and dd behaving like this! thank you

My DD was nearly 2 when DS was born. She was fine for the first couple of weeks then kicked off big style. I can't really help much except to say that it does pass! Just keep giving her lots of atention for the good stuff and totally ignore the bad behaviour (yes I know that is much easier said than done!)
I hope things get a bit better for you. I found that once we had established a new routine and given her her new role that she settled

Could completely relate to what you said about 2 year old behaviour in response to sibling. Had second child in December when first child was 19 months. Fine for first coupla weeks when Daddy home but then we had dreadful behaviour for about a month- hit baby twice- completely out of the blue and very upsetting, and main problem was lots of headbanging- anything and everything. Pleased to say-touch wood- that these problems have now abated. He kisses sister goodnight and we try and involve her in his play- tea parties etc. Made much of a lesser deal about her, made sure she went upstairs for her rests, and really prioritised him and this seems to have done the trick, so don't worry- it's awful when it happens but it does seem to get better!

Sometimes overpraising can have the opposite effect. They start to expect praise for even the littlest of things that they should just be doing anywhere. Have you heard of unconditional parenting? There's a thread about it here and loads more if you do a search.

Our DD is only 7 weeks old and I have a DS who is 2 yrs 8months.

He was a little bit tentative to start off with her and we pussy footed around him being very sensitive to his needs. It's really really hard.

But, his horrible behaviour has become more heightened and he throws more tantrums and is quite shouty bossy and stroppy particularly when we have visitors (they take up even more of our attention than DD of course). He's actually quite sweet with his new baby sister and doesn't seem to be overly perturbed by her being here it's more his behaviour towards us, his parents.

He's also very wilful and as I'm also sleep deprived I do also find myself shouting at him when I reach the end of my tether and this just exacerbates the problem. I also feel constantly guilty about not being there for him in the same way I was before DD born. I am lucky though as he goes to nursery 2 days a week, one day every other week his grandparents come for the day to help out and they give him lots and lots of attention and take him out and potter round the house with us helping out. I then have him just 2 days a week on my own when I try to take him to things. At the weekend when DH is around, he tends to do stuff with him but I have also tried to maybe just go out with him for a morning without DH and DD so he feels that we still have "special" time together.

Lots of people have said this phase will pass and that they won't remember it in the future years. The first few weeks with a newborn are quite demanding as they need so much of you when they are awake. I try to do one on one things with him when I put DD down for naps (and I put her in her room for naps(contrary to guidelines I know) so that DS can be noisy and have his tv on and so that she gets some proper rest away from all that), I try to take him to the things he liked doing before like softplay etc and just lug DD with us and as I said above I've also tried to do a few things with just DS and leave DD with DH and tell him that it's our special time so that he feels he's not been sidelined.

HTH
Good luck !

La la la I'm not listening

(PS I hope things improve for you)

Just remembered, we also borrowed play pen from neighbour- proper big BabyDan affair which has been very useful to stick DS in when being particularly difficult. Frankly, there were times when he was a danger to himself and baby, so to scoop him up and put him in there for five minutes was an absolute relief. I found that BF baby was the time when DS really played up- for obvious reasons, but now he is really not bothered at all. Interesting too that he has always been brilliant when I have gone out with him- to toddler group or visiting people. It was just when we were at home and when he was with me!!

Complete hijack here so sorry.

HAPPY!! Congratulations!!!! The wagon has been wondering how you are.

Back to topic now.

DS1 was fine for the first 2 weeks then I think it really hit home about DS2. He would hit him, throw things at him and scream and shout at him. We started to ignore him when he was naughty, as they hate being ignored. He is now much better but I'm sure that DH being laid off has helped as one of us feeds DS2 and the other plays with DS1. Don't worry about occassionally using tv to keep her occupied. Try to make time to play, read or just cuddle DD. If she'll help getting her to do things like passing you a nappy as it really helped DS1 feel helpful.

Congratulations again!!!

I completely sympathise with you - been there and done that!

My DS1 was 2.4 when DS2 was born - and DS1 went from a permanently happy smily little boy to a tantrumming, constantly whinging little boy That lasted about 2 weeks and then the aggression towards DS2 started - biting, scratching, hitting. It really was an awful time and me and DH wondered what the hell we had done

I know it probably doesn't feel like it but it really does pass - and sooner rather than later. DS2 is now 16 weeks old and DS1 loves him, and only hurts him accidentally now - and life is good again with the 2 of them (it is not all plain sailing by any means but still so good )

Things we found helped was having a travel cot set up in the lounge where we put DS2 whenever DS1 looked a bit too 'boisterous', or for his naps or just so I could focus on DS1 for a while. ME and DH also tried to spend as much 1-on-1 time with DS1 as possible - one of us would take him swimming, soft play etc whenever we could. We also introduced a reward chart (which I can see you have tried) and he got a star for every day he went without hurting DS2 - building up to a reward at the end of the week. It really worked and even now, he makes a big point of telling us that he is playing nicely with DS2.

I honestly think DS1 was torn between loving his brother and wanting to hurt him - fortunately loving him seems to have won although he is still very much in DS2's face a lot of the time - but in a nice way iyswim.

This is a bit of an essay but I really wanted to share my experience with you having been there - it honestly was the hardest period of my life and I wondered how we were going to get through - yet only a couple of months later, things are already so much easier.

We're going through this at the moment too. Ds1 is 19 months and ds2 is 5 weeks. Like others have said, the first few weeks were fine, but then ds1 seemed to realise that the baby was here to stay and he now tries to hit and kick baby, he throws things across the room, he climbs all over me if I'm not looking at him 24/7, he screeches constantly, you know that awful noise where you think either cry or just shut up!
I can see the anger and frustration on his face which is awful, I did that to him, he didn't ask for a baby and he is now having all these feelings that he doesn't undersand or know how to deal with those other than lash out.
I've been getting really down about it because obviously my instinct is to protect the newborn at any cost, but how do you do that when the possible danger is from your other baby?
Saying no isn't working, it's ok if I can spot his next move and block it, but ds2 has received a few hits to the face when I haven't seen it coming. I tried play pen for baby but ds1 just threw all his toys in there, some quite heavy ones which would be more of a danger than a quick slap iyswim.
I have just this minute printed off a reward chart for him and he will get a gold star everytime he does something good, like being gentle with baby, giving baby kisses, putting toys down nicely and so on. I know you say about overpraising but for us the safety of the baby has to come first and once ds1 understands he can't hit andkick, we will deal with everything else later on. I've also decided that although I don't want a toddler who is allowed to run riot and has no bounderies, that this is a major change for him and all of us, so now I am only 'telling him off' for things that pose a danger to him or baby, like when he tries to climb in the oven, when he's licking the toilet brush and everything else can wait, like climbing on the furniture, emptying the saucepan cupboard, not putting his toys away, throwing food on the floor, all small things but not dangerous atm so can wait.
Good luck with it all.

Thanks so much to everyone for replying, it is reassuring to hear that this is a common problem. I will persevere with my reward chart, and see what tomorrow brings, and will also be prepared for her behaviour to get worse before it gets better (I hadn't really thougt about the possibility of her becoming violent towards ds, so I suppose I should be grateful that although her behaviours are challening, they are not really harmful... although she does hit dh quite hard!).

It must be such a major upheaval when an 'only child' is joined by a sibling... and I totally relate to SomeMightSay when you say your instinct is to protect your baby. For so long dd has been my world, if that makes sense, and to now feel this negative towards her... its a horrible feeling, and like you say she didn't ask for it, I've made all these changes and inflicted them on her. Thanks again for sharing experiences, it really helps to know what you've tried and to know that hopefully the phase should pass.

It is awful isn't it? There have been a number of times over the past 3 weeks where just for a split second, I haven't liked ds1 very much. How awful is that? That feeling has left me in tears for hours and hours and made me feel like the worst parent ever, how can I possibly ever not like my own child, no matter for how short s time? The feeling quickly passes and I do have to keep reminding myself that it's not his fault, he doesn't understand. I'm hoping that in another few weeks, he won't even remember life without his baby brother.

It definitely gets better. I felt exactly the same, and I think you feel so abnormally tired and emotional anyway with all those hormones floating about. I think it is just one of the problems of having quite a close age-gap, but I'm hoping there will be advantages later on- playmates for each other etc. I'm sure that it must be upsetting for DS1 to suddenly realise that he isn't the centre of our world any more, but then we have made a conscious decision that we want him to have a sibling and get used to sharing, but also have the pleasures of companionship later on.

Oh crap. 32 weeks pg. DS will be almost exactly 2 when baby arrives and now I'm wondering what it will bring.

FWIW you all sound like you're coping well and coming up with good ideas to help.

herbgarden is your DS a june/july baby? DS was due July 7th but was born 24th June and I think they are both a similar age?

Congratulations happynappies, and btw, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. Our 2nd baby (a girl) was born last July, and our son (then 2 1/2) was really quite traumatised. He was absolutely furious at me, constantly. I think he felt betrayed, not helped by my having had to spend time in hospital after emergency CS and consequently not being able to lift him for several weeks. He soon discovered that leaping, dribbling on, and even occasionally biting the baby, caused mummy no end of grief and brought lots of attention, even if it wasn't very nice attention. It was like he had changed personality. I lost quite a lot of confidence, and felt terribly guilty.
Now, several months later, my boy is back to his old self, we are a happy complete-feeling unit, and looking forward to good times ahead. The only advice I can offer is to try to put aside time to spend with your daughter, and also try to get some regular time away from her as well, so that you can enjoy a rest and some uninterupted baby time. I don't know how your daughter responds to discipline, but we found that putting the foot down, in this situation, was like a red rag to a bull for our boy. The best thing for him was to get lots of exercise and fresh air, time with his friends, and distraction from his angst. This also helped me keep my cool (although I won't pretend I didn't lose it - often!) The good thing about a new baby is that you can pack them up and cart them around, and as long as they're fed changed, and cuddled regularly, they'll probably be quite happy. They'll get lots of stimulation just by doing whatever you're doing and will fall asleep too.
The other thing I wanted to say was that a real turning point came for us when our baby started smiling, and things have carried on getting better from there. Because our baby thinks (and I think most babies with older sibs would concur!) that her big brother is amazing and hilarious. Few older siblings can resist the wonder and charm of being hero-worshipped, and ours certainly couldn't. So hang on in there, it's going to start getting much better soon.....

We took a consistent, calm, low-key approach. It worked eventually (or dd just naturally got over it?) and at 2.10 and 10 months they are bestest friends, they play together beautifully and adore each other. It will pass!

NAPPY yes DS was a July '06 baby (due end of and arrived 3 weeks early (as did his sister)) and DD a Jan of this year baby.....

Haven't read all the threads but had exactly the same problem as Herbgarden. There are some great suggestions here so won't repeat them all but I did find that spending more time with DS1 whenever I could (DS2 asleep) seemed to help.
We also made a point of explaining that no matter how much we loved the new baby we loved DS1 the same, and we would always have loved him for longer as he was with us first. He seemed to quite like that idea.
We also found that sometimes trying to encourage and praise the 'big helpful boy' didn't always work and what he needed was a bit of babying for himself.
Things got better after a few weeks but got worse for a short period after I went back to work and DS2 started at the same nursery. Once again though, it's all settled down and they get on great.
Best of luck!

For hours yesterday we had "daddy no cuddle dd, no daddy no daddy give dd to mummy, no daddy" (yelled in a high pitched squeal or sobbed heartwrenchingly). DS (2.4) seems to positively hate me at the moment especially when his dad is around. I'm hoping it will settle (dd is 10 weeks)