how should we deal with shyness in a toddler?

[MamaChris]

ds (13mo) is becoming increasingly shy. when in familiar surroundings or outside with me and/or dp, he is loud, running about and chattering. when in less familiar surroundings he gets very shy, hiding behind my legs, crying and refusing to let go. even in baby groups he goes to every week, he just sits and stares at the other children, won't join in his favourite songs or interact with anyone (unless he sees food!).

we don't know why it is - it's worse since I went back to work (dp stays home with ds). soon he'll be staying overnights with his dad (who he currently sees 1 day/week) and I'm worried this could make it worse again.

my instinct is to just let him be himself (however shy that is) but keep exposing him to situations like baby groups where he has the chance to come out of himself. but maybe we should "force" it a bit more - detach him from my legs, or put him in daycare one afternoon per week or something? will he grow out of this?

I was a shy child and I would say that you should do as you are doing-let him be himself but don't let it stop you doing anything, keep exposing him to social situations and other people and children but do not force anything. Let him go at his own pace, it may be very slow, it is a question of building up his confidence and you will knock it badly if you force him. Don't even refer to him hiding behind your legs-just try to distract with a toy or something interesting(in a casual way). Treat him as if he is perfectly normal.

oh no please dont force him
he is still very little
let him sit on your knee
eh will grow otu of it

Yes, please, please let him be himself! Just trust that he will ask for what he needs in terms of emotional support. If you and his dad are separate, he'll need extra support, and if you've recently gone back to work he'll need extra support. He's telling you that by clinging to you.

He will grow out of this, and will do so far quicker and more genuinely if you let him do it at his pace. Please, please don't force him!

thanks - I so hope he will grow out of it. but I was a shy child myself too, and always wished I wasn't. if he's shy, then he is, but I want to be sure he isn't shy because of something I'm doing (or not doing), iyswim. I don't want to force him, but wondered if I should be (a colleague at work put his shy daughter in nursery 2 days/week because he thought it would help).

he is normal at the moment, I treat the legs thing as a bit of a game ("oh? are you going through the leg tunnel again? what can you see?"). maybe I should try and distract with something that's not my legs!

before yo u know it he will be running off to play with his friends, or to school shouting "bye mum!" and yo will wish he was still small and sitting on your knee

IMO (sitcking my neck out ehre) i think 2 days aweek is a lot for a child of 13mths (obv some people dont have nay choice - but you do)

maybe one morning a week if you reallythink it would help

we're thinking of half a day nursery at the moment to give dp some "sanity time", but I'd rather wait till ds has some words and can communicate a bit better, so we're just investigating our options for now

My daughter was like this (now very pushy, not at all shy 5yr old).
top tips - never refer to him as 'shy' (my parents did this when I was little and it just gives you a licence to be shy)
give your son ideas of how to interact in different situations (e.g. say 'hello', or 'shall we sit over here', say 'bye bye', wave 'goodbye', etc.), sometimes 'shyness' is because the child doesn't know what to do/say in a particular situation.
I found, that this phase definitely passed and now my daughter is much more confident and pushy than I am!

I was a shy child but nobody believes me now when I tell them because I never stop talking so I wouldnt worry about it. Also my 3 year old and 5 year old are very shy but if you try to pressurize them it just makes them worse so just let them be their selves.

good to hear he may grow out of it!

I'd never say "oh he's shy" in front of him - I remember as a shy child feeling mortified when adults would point this out. but it's good to think to it may just be when he doesn't know what to do, so I'll try and help him more with that too. thanks