ds1 is turning into a serial underachiever!

[abouttoburst]

I've namechanged just incase anyone knows me in RL.
I need some advice about ds1 please.
ds1 is 9, he's always done really well at school, sport, whatever he's turned his hand to really.
He moved to a new school in September and settled in happily. Since then though he has started to really underperform academically and in sport.
For example, he plays football. He's really good in training. Everyone says he's good, he's in the 1st team. then it comes to the match and he stands on the pitch dreaming, like he's on a different planet.
He's good at maths. Can tackle anything at home and get's it right. They test regularly at school. too regularly imo, but he doesn't do very well in the tests. He makes silly silly mistakes on things he knows. I don't think his current SATs level is anything like representative of what he can do.
This is kind of covering every aspect of his life at the minute, he kind of falls at the final hurdle iyswim.
I always say, don't worry, but he's getting anxious and panicky and secretly I'm getting so frustrated.
Anyone got any clues as to why this happens and what I can do to help him?

bump cos I'm actually really worried.

sorry, don't have any insight, but didn't want you to think no-one had read your post.

Thanks edam

It sounds to me like he's lacking confidence in himself. If I were you, I would forget about SATs - hard I know, when everyone around is making a big deal out of them.

Are you sure he's happy at school? I really believe that for a child to be doing well, learning has to be fun and not made a chore - a teacher can make or break a child's enthusiasm for a subject. If he has lost confidence since moving schools, maybe it is worth investigating to see if something is going on at school that is affecting him emotionally.

Does he do any out of school activities or clubs? If he's into sports, maybe try to inspire him by enrolling him in a club he enjoys attending to help build his confidence and competitive spirit.

IMO, though, whatever you do, don't let him see your frustration.

Sounds like the change in school has affected him more than you might have thought - have you talked to him about how he is feeling now with school (not related to performance, just in general)?

I am just wondering (from what you have said) whether there is a particularly competitive atmosphere in the school/his class/his new friends, which he is responding to by withdrawing?

xposts electra

Or maybe (following electra's suggestion of a club) join something that is self fulfilling before competition (thinking Tae Kwon Do or similar?)

My ds1 is in year 4 (8 at moment) and I'm finding that a change of teacher is having the same effect on his morale, although he doesn't sound as highachieving as your son. He's just keeps saying he can't do things, it's almost as if he's asking me to take responsibility for his life, but at the same time he's frustrated by not being allowed to make decisions about what he does, play work telly nint.ds etc. It's as if he hasn't decided WHO is in charge me or him. I'm trying to give a framework, like routines for play homework etc, but I'm beginning to feel I really to stand back over the actual quality of his performance. I can't make him run faster, write more interestingly, I can suggest things and show an interest, but then I have to back off and NOT say you could have done that better. It may not be a battle of wills in your case but more that he feels your worries and is trying to avoid any pressure, by failing pr not doing quite as well as before.

Is it worth discussing with teacher your hopes and fears for your son and not in front of him? Does it really matter what SATS level he has at this stage? Someone once said to me that children will leap ahead and then plateau and stall, and then leap again - it's often NOT slow steady progress.

Thanks both.
Yes, it is competitive and I think he is withdrawing. He used to go to a tiny school and he was top. He relished that position and worked hard to stay there.
I didn't think that was great either, he's bright but not brilliant and I didn't want it to come as some huge surprise at secondary when he realised he wasn't the best.
This school there are children who are much brighter than him, but he seem to just want to sit back and not bother to some extent. His SATs though, currently he is a 3A and end of yr 3(at the old school) he was a 4C. This is not accurate, his maths has improved loads since September.
He seems to love the school generally, he's made some great friends and has opportunities to be in teams etc, that he's never had before. I'm always asking if he's happy, if he needs help, but he seems fine, always has lots to tell me.
The football team is a local one, lots of his school friends play. This is the bit I don't get really. He adores football, it's his sole topic of conversation. He practices all the time and he's great. Then it comes to the match and he can't even be bothered to run! It's so weird.
I don't want to take him to the matches anymore. He's always so disappointed and makes excuses as to why he wasn't any good, like I'm tired, my feet hurt. Why can't he play like he does in training?

I completely agree (from personal experience at school) that some children will respond to competition by withdrawing.
I think there is an deepseated evolutionary advantage to this behaviour, that's why we do it in some situations, rather than buck up and try harder.

He doesn't want to run because he doesn't want to miss the ball, play badly. He doesn't want to be judged on his "performance". It's also a way of getting special attention from you, although you may not perceive it as such.
I would take him out of football for a bit, and make it entirely recreational. (is that possible - not really a footballer myself)

Thanks Swanriver. What you're saying could be right.
I've never been worried about SAT's results but this school seems to check them constantly and tells them their levels.
I've had to be much more invovled than I wanted to be with his homework as well.
Part of reason I moved them, was the old school was poor academically and they never had a piece of homework, not a single spelling or x table. Now he has a lot, including research and spelling stories and he didn't have a clue where to start. I hoped to have stood back by now, but he just sits their blankly waiting for me to tell him what to do.
I don't really want to talk to his teacher, she's very nice and all, but when the started I said he would have things missing in his education and to let me know so we could help. Never heard a word from her again.

I think children develop in fits and starts. I'd let this run for a while and see if he has improved by the summer.

It may sound harsh but you have to distinguish what you want for him and what he wants for himself. I've observed this over and over with other parents re: music lessons, ballet. They put a tremendous effort into supporting their child and then feel let down when child loses impetus. Sometimes the child does want to do ballet or football but is baiting the parent in a subtle way by giving up.

Unfortunately I'm not a psychologist or I would be able to explain this better. Nor have I mastered this problem with my ds myself. Any pyschologists out there?

I don't know if I can Grammaticus... He so disappointed in himself all the time.

A move (and effectively change in status) like that can seriously dent anyone's confidence. I would put no pressure on school/academic performance at the moment and focus on rebuilding his confidence by finding something non-competitive he can do, preferably something that involves other children as well, so that he can see that friendship/admiration etc doesn't necessarily stem from being 'the best' but also the importance of doing 'your best'.

And be prepared for the fact that it is likely to take some time.

x- posts abouttoburst, didn't read your most recent post. That is really difficult for you to catch up on homework technique I do see. In sympathy, we've had this sort of homework for ages, and I still can't get him to do it..

So perhaps you just start a simplest level of expectation for homework. I always think things at the most advanced adult level and then realise that all that was expected was a bald sentence about tudors not university research. It does make you feel desperate though trying to wring the work out of them.
SYMPATHY.

I've been wondering over and over, is it me? have I pushed him too hard?
I've had to push him harder than I've wanted to academically, through guilt I think, cos I had them in such a crap school before and he was nowhere near where he should have been in lots of areas.
But the football, not at all. I didn't want him to go up into the 1st team, but he insisted. The 2nd team has an everyone plays ethos. But boys can be so scathing to each other if they think one hasn't stepped up to the mark during a game.

I think I would be worried that his teacher is not approachable. He's still only 9 - that is very young to be so worried about performance in tests. Although everything is geared that way these days, I don't believe that performing well in SATs at this age will have any bearing on how much potential a child has at GCSE age and beyond, or that it will help him grow into a person who knows what he wants in life.

I agree with swanriver and ataraxis's suggestions.

I agree Electra. I think part of the problem is that he's in a mixed yr4/5 class. The work is geared to yr 5 and I think this is why they are testing constantly. We're in a grammar school catchment so they are preparing for the 11+. We've been told he should go to the grammar, but I'm starting to think it might not be right for him.
Thanks for the sympathy Swanriver.