How on earth to explain children's homes/adoption to confused DD?

[Smithagain]

DD1 has somewhere picked up on the concept of children's homes, fostering and adoption and is thoroughly confused and (I think) worried that someone might take her away from us and "sell" (her word) her to someone else I think one of her little friends has been telling her scare stories.

Did my best to explain how sometimes a mummy and daddy might very sadly not be able to look after their child, so another kind mummy/daddy would look after them instead. But she just keeps saying "why?" Why wouldn't they be able to look after their child. What might happen etc etc.

How on earth do I explain and also set her mind at rest that there is zero chance (I hope) that anything like this will ever happen to her? She's six.

mummy/daddy migth be ill can cover a multitude of things.
other than that - i wouldnt dwell on it too much.

Am trying not to dwell on it at all!

Trouble is, one of her classmates has recently lost contact with a parent, for rather messy reasons so have a feeling this subject will be resurfacing, even if I don't bring it up .

I think honesty is always the best policy - but this is one of those 'can of worms' subjects isn't it! I do agree with Butterfly that it can 'normalised' a bit by pointing out that if a child lived with only their mum, if the mum had to have an operation then the child would be looked after by another kind family etc etc if there were no other family.

It's good to be as positive as possible that this is not going to affect her. If she worries, you can say, "but that won't happen to you because I'm not going anywhere" and then if she says "but what if".....you can remind her there's daddy, granny, etc etc or however your family is.

I wouldn't worry though if she wants to know other reasons - if she's probing for more info it is perfectly possible IMO to explain that just because some mums and dads are grown up doesn't mean they know how to look after a child. Some parents need help. I think as she is from a secure loving home etc she will be able to accept this without necessarily worrying that this is her situation, because she will know in her heart that it is nothing that will 'touch' her iykwim?

Has she any awareness of different parenting styles? My ds is six too and he's definitely very sensitive to 'bad' parenting he sees in the street for example we've seen a few mums really screaming at their kids and one mum threatening to leave them DS noticed everything, and was saying he was glad his parents weren't like that etc....he took it all in. I think kids do, and it's a good dialogue to be having that not all grown ups are kind or clever! It helps them understand the world that bit more IMO but doesn't affect them personally because they know this is outside their family?

I've gone through a simple version of this with my 3 yr-old as I am adopted, my adoptive parents are dead, but my birth parents came to stay. I just cannot present them as though they were my parents in the way that we are her parents, so I explained that my mummy hadn't been able to take care of me and I grew up with a new mummy (in fact I was taken into care for neglect - will save that for much later!).

She has asked questions about it and also about all the step mothers in her fairy tails. These things are just facts of many people's lives and when she starts school I'm sure she will come across many different kinds of families.

I definitely think honesty is the best policy

Thanks everyone - really helpful.

I like the idea of pointing out all the people she has to look after her if I can't. We have a good network of godparents, friends and grandparents who she is quite used to being farmed off to going to spend a nice afternoon with, so she could probably grasp that alarmingly easily .

I don't think she is particularly aware of parents that are struggling, which is good, but makes it harder for her to understand how that might happen.

thank you for bringing this up, i also wanted a bit of advice

my DD aged 3 has a lovely little friend who is fostered, and about to move to her 'forever family'. this means she will leave dds school and possibly her friends behind

i am worried about opening that can of worms too, my DD has a very active imagination.

we are a step family too, but she doesnt quite understand this yet. she is really into the wicked stepmother from Cinderella, and i keep trying to explain that i am her half sisters 'wicked stepmother'!!

some useful comments on here for me to use, isnt mumsnet great?

slightly different but my mother died when I was young and I have a step mother. My step mother is chinese and the rest of my family is not and so my daughter has started asking questions about why shes different and also keeps asking me where MY mummy is. Its hard to tell her the truth without upsetting her as shes only 4 and is only just starting to grasp the concept of death and i think she would be very upset by the idea that mummies sometimes die BUT at the same time I dont want to lie with a story about her being "far away" etc which is what my husband suggested.

sophie

It's hard, isn't it. DD did bring the subject up again yesterday. There is a great big poster advertising for foster parents round the corner from us, which doesn't exactly help!

She seems to be able to grasp the idea of a temporary fostering arrangement, but definitely finds the idea of permanent adoption alarming. Am simply doing lots of "sometimes bad things do happen, but it's very, very unusual and you have lots of people who love you and care for you so you don't need to worry."

(DD did also ask why we didn't foster children, if it was such a lovely thing to do, which was a perfectly reasonable question that set off yet another deep, meaningful conversation!)

wow she's a deep thinker, that girl - she will go far!

GWIW you sound like you are dealing with it perfectly and I'm sure it is very helpful to her that she can feel free to ask you anything, and have it answered honestly. Good for you.

GWIW? I meant FWIW!!