Am I making a rod for my own back ?

[sazlocks]

First DC so sort of learning /making it up as I go along ! My DS 13 months old is lovely, placid but determined and makes his views known loud and clear when he wants something. Unless its dangerous I pretty much let him have it/do it. Obviously there are times when I say no but then sometimes he kicks off so I let him do what ever it was. Am I making a rod for my own back - ie teaching him that if he kicks off he can have something or is he too young to get that message yet ? Is it better to wait until he is older and say no and then deal with the consequences?
Grateful for advice pls

If it's not dangerous and doesn't bother you, don't say no in the first place. Going back on a no because DS kicks off just teaches him that you're a pushover and he can get what he wants by screaming.

When you do say no, calmly give a simple reason, even if he doesn't (yet) understand all the words.

You will have tantrums, but they won't be so hard to handle if you are consistent.

Oh I sympathize my DD (Also first) went through this at 12/13 mo, she is 15mo and is now beginning to understand the word no.

I did used to let her have what she wanted when she began to kick off, but I have stopped that as I didn't want her to be 'spoilt' IYSWIM.

The tantrums that ensue are not nearly as bad as you would have thought.
DD had a massive (the biggest yet) tantrum the other day as I wouldn't let her into the kitchen it lasted about an hour, I couldn't help her at the start with distraction so I just let her get on with it. Once she had finished she came over to me for a hug

He is not too young to get that message yet, he will understand that if I cry or kick off mummy will give me what I want anyway. DC even of this age are very intelligent. Please persevere with the 'no', but do pick your battles.

It is hard, but DH and I have persevered with DD, as have grandparents (my dad is ace for this) and it seems to be having the desired effect.

If you do anything, try distraction all the way, if your DS wants something you do not want him to have try distraction with a toy or some music etc. Someone on here told me to have a toy they really like but don't have often to use for distraction. We use singing with DD, she love row row row your boat and all the actions, and all is forgotten.

Good luck.

I've always followed the mumsnet mantra, choose your battles. If it's dangerous or really naughty (smashing things or damaging things) then it's a most definite no, and I don't budge. However if ds is having fun pulling all the cards out of my purse I leave him to it and collect them all when he's done (actually he's started helping me with that now which is A Good Thing)

But don't ever go back on something you mean, he'll learn you're a push over. IME when 13 month olds kick off it doesn't last terribly long, you can easily distract them on to some other fun game. That way you've diffused the tantrum and not compromised.

Agree with castille. If it's something dangerous or particularly annoying, say no and stick to it, and distract him.

It does sound like he's simply entering the tantrum stage. I've alwyas found ignoring best for dealing with tantrums.

Thanks all. I think you have helped me confirm what I had started to wonder about how DH and I are dealing with him. Liking the choose your battles approach.
Isn't it bizarre how you manage to function perfectly well in life and make descisions and everything and then with your DC you question everything - or is that just me and the joy of a PFB!

agree take a beat to decide if it's a yes or a no and stick to it as it's regularly going back on a no that creates problems rather than being relaxed about things. I think as long as not really dangerous it's important for them to be able to explore as much as possible at that age so choose your nos carefully and know why you're saying no.

sazlocks, I think it is very natural to question everything you d with your DC;s especially your first as it is all new to you. No matter how much advice you have or get it is never enough for your own DC IYSWIM.

DO choose your battles, it does get easier, I promise, it was only a couple of months ago that I was in your position and DD is learning so fast. She has a fake cry that she does when she is threatening a tantrum and now I just do the distraction and if that doesn't work, I leave her to it. Obviously leave her to it only if she is safe and I can still see her. The tantrums are easier to deal with than I ever expected.

Good luck.

Thanks v much