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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how would you deal wtih this in a "how to talk" way - ds refusing to leave nursery (long)

43 replies

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 19:28

Ds (nearly 3) has been having a huge tantrum when I go to collect him from nursery at lunch time. apart from being horribly embarrassed, I want to deal with it in a better way. Here's what happened today:
ds "mummy!" runs over really pleased to see me.
me "hello, ds, shall we go to the park?"
ds runs off and hides in climbing frame
me "come on ds, lets go to the park and do some climbing and go on the slide"
ds "no!!!!!!!!!!" lays on floor
me "lets go to the park and maybe have an ice cream"
ds lays on floor

at this I put down dd and lift him up. He screams and lays on floor again. Nursery nurses all staring, I am now hot under collar. I tell him dd and I are going to park without him and go out of garden. Several minutes later I go back, he hasn't batted an eyelid. Anyway more attempts at persuasion followed by me losing it, gaining superhuman strength, picking him up with dd in the middle like the filling in a sandwich, and carting him off to car screaming.

This is regular course of events. What shall I do tomorrow please??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Beachcomber · 09/03/2009 19:30

Am admiring your posting name whilst pondering on what course of action to take.

minxofmancunia · 09/03/2009 19:41

shopping, I empathise so much!!! Dd (2.6) has been doing this for the last 2 weeks, and it's getting worse!! She's pleased to see me but seems to want me to stay and play with her at nursery!

Her favourite nursery nurse has to bring her out to the car for me much of the time, once she'sseated and buckled up and we're on the road she's fine!

Am eager to see what advice is proferred up

GivePeasAChance · 09/03/2009 19:43

Maybe he just wants to go home after being in nursery all morning?

choufleur · 09/03/2009 19:47

have you spoken to the nursery about it? maybe other children do it and they might have ideas. DS burst into tears when i went to pick him up last friday as they were about to go to indoor play and he didn't want to miss out. maybe he thinks he'll miss some fun and the nursrey nurses could help to assure him that it will be really boring when he's gone.

techpep · 09/03/2009 19:47

The only advice i have is not to get embarrassed in front of the nursery nurses, they see this all the time. Dont be embarrassed to ask them to help either, sometimes all it takes is a stern word from someone else and children miraculously change their behaviour . Nursery nurses generally wont step in unless you ask for help for fear of interfering. However, all that said, it is only a phase and he wont be doing it forever

tiredandwornoutmum · 09/03/2009 19:50

bribary? chocolate coin in your pocket?

I know I know, I will be flamed..BUT desperate times calls for desperate measures.

It sometimes works for ds, and then after a few days I 'forget' and ds doesn't ask, but hhave a much calmer child leaving nursery.

kc3 · 09/03/2009 19:51

It sounds just like my 3 year old DS, there is no talking him round i talk about sweets, mcdonalds, icecream, threatening to leave and nothing works. I've resulted to whispering to him - not in earshot of the lovely nursery staff - that there are going to be lots of daddy longlegs (he hates them) at nursery after lunch so he better come quick and he rushes out with me!!

jelliebelly · 09/03/2009 19:52

ime the only thing that works is to pick up and carry to the car. Once forcibly buckled into seat and on our way, ds used to be fine - only lasted a couple of weeks btw

Original poster

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 19:52

don't think it's because he wants to go home. He kicks off whatever I tell him we're going to do. I'm wondering if I should stay and let him play for longer before suggesting we leave, but then wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:

Original poster

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 19:55

so glad to hear other people's dc's do this too. I tried bribery in pocket and it worked for a couple of days but the last few days he's even refused chocolate! Carrying him out kicking and screaming is my last resort but it's physically difficult to carry him and porky dd too (she's 10 months). Suppose I could always let her commando crawl behind me in a Maggie Simpson style

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 09/03/2009 19:57

Could you say 'we're going in 5 mins' and then follow through with minimum fuss (hoiking out if necessary)? DS1 (2.5) is better if given a bit of notice, esp after a few times as he realises I mean it when I say 'out of the bath in 5 mins' or 'one more story then bed' or whatever.

Shylily · 09/03/2009 21:18

I had this scenario the other day. At the point I was about to grab him by the scruff of the neck and drag him out screaming I said 'Darling, I am now getting quite irritated as I've asked you to come 6 times. I don't know what else to do.' (horrified looks from nursery nurse). He then got off the little bike and walked out.

If you're going for a 'How to Talk ...' approach ...
Have you done the sit down, discuss and make a list of options? Is he up to that?
Hmmm, other things they suggest ... 'do it in writing'? You could write him a little letter and when you get there tomorrow, give it to him without speaking. You could ask the nursery staff to play along and read it to him. Perhaps it could say 'Dear DS, I missed you so much today. I can't wait to get home to play with you. Love Mummy'. or 'Get your coat, before it's dark and off we go to the park'.
Having said all that, when faced with the same scenario I am never that creative. I stood outside our front door in the freezing cold for 40mins tonight while he played with the gate. I asked umpteen times for him to come in, said I was making a smoothy, blah blah blah. I eventually said 'there's no longer a choice here - it's too cold, it's getting dark and it's time for dinner.' He did come in then cried for 5 minutes and tried to beat down the door to get back out!
Let me know what you do!

MultiTaskingMum · 09/03/2009 21:33

Wow, I really admire your patience
I have always given the option to come now (or whatever it is) about twice then gone for the 'you can choose to come now or I will come and get you' and ALWAYS follow through regardless of noise/tantrum. In a nursery setting I would get the staff on board and ask if they've got any suggestions.
The result is that my children (now 8-12) know I never threaten something I won't do and they generally respond ok - at least in public
I know it feels awful when it's your child, but I've had an angry screaming child in public so many times (I have triplets but only two hands to hold!!) that I now go up to parents who appear to be in that situation and encourage the parent not to give in but to keep going

outnumbered2to1 · 09/03/2009 22:15

my DS1 who will be 5 in april and starting school in august tried this when he started nursery last year. i found that looking bored and unimpressed worked wonders. As did ignoring it and discussing something totally mundane with the staff or and i have found this works for almost any temper tantrum is that the louder your DC gets - the quieter the tone of voice you use because they realise they have to stop screaming to hear what you are saying to them.

hope it helps

kingfix · 09/03/2009 22:21

same as outnumbered. When I tried to persuade dd she played up more. Whne, by chance, i got disctracted and started chatting to the carers, I found she was tugging at my coat. I also think they don't like to be interrupted so I go in and say hi and give her a kiss then say we're going in a minute so get ready to say bye, then have a chat with the staff, then say get your coat on and that usually does the trick. Of course toddler cunning means something new will happen next week.

outnumbered2to1 · 09/03/2009 22:28

at kingfix toddler cunning! when does that become schoolkid cunning? My DS1 tries to play me off my mum (unfortunately i am almost immune to it whilst my mother cannot see past him)

breaghsmum · 09/03/2009 22:57

my ds went through this for a while. he's 3.5. i was the same as you, i got impatient, embarrassed, irritated. i found the thing that worked best was very calmy saying when i arrived that "we are going in two minutes, say goodbye to all your friends" he always tried to negotiate/argue, but as soon as i said it i turned and made a point of asking the nursery nurse something, even if it was about her hair. then i would turn and say "time to go" and take him by the hand (firmly, because he struggled) and walk out and get his coat and belongings. it wasnt always easy, but i had to persevere as he was running rings round me before that. he seemed to get the idea that i wasnt giving in. so after a couple of weeks we had no problem. dont threaten anything you wont carry out or he will learn that he can do anything and get away with it. i understand you have a younger child aswell, could you perhaps have one of the nursery staff carry her for you to the car while ds is learning to comply.?

n5rje · 09/03/2009 22:57

Agree with MTM - you have much more patience that I would have so I'd go for the physical removal every time as well. My older DCs also know that I will follow through with anything I say I will do and as a result I very rarely have to.

I know this approach isn't for everyone and it does take a strong will but I just don't have the patience or time required to discuss and compromise on every aspect of getting through the day. IME children don't mind you taking a hard line as long as its not on everything and they accept whatever boundaries you set and my DCs police each other if I'm not around as they all know what is and isn't allowed.

That said DS4 is fast heading for toddlerhood so I may well have to eat my words.

newlysinglemummy · 09/03/2009 23:02

oh gosh, sounds like hard work. My dd is 20 months and I know this is really not the right thing to do but when she has a tantrum, I pretend to cry and say 'mummys crying' while making crying noises, and dd says mummy mumy cuddle, and stops her tantrum straight away.

Actually when i type this it reminds me of the advert on tv when the woman throws herself on the floor in the supermarket...

FairLadyRantALot · 09/03/2009 23:04

quite normal behaviour for a lot of Kids...and I think it is more your own "paranoia" kicking in, when you think that nursery staff are staring....I am quite friendly with the owner of my dc's nursery (well, they are now at school my Kids)....and she told me it is not uncommon at all....
tbh, I used to just take my ds home ( was mainly ms that did create)...i.e. pick him up and put him into the buggy....or stand him on the back of the buggy when his seat was removed...
I don't think leaving him longer to play is going to be a good option...

slowreadingprogress · 09/03/2009 23:44

It's very common at this age I think, the finding it very hard to change from one activity to another.

I'd suggest asking the nursery staff to give him lots of warnings "last play with the sandpit, time to go with mummy in five minutes" stuff like that, a bit of a countdown for him to get prepared for the change.

And/or personally, I would try waiting for five mins while he finishes off his play. It might not work, but I'd certainly not be afraid of giving it a go. All kids are different and it might work!

Othersideofthechannel · 10/03/2009 05:55

It sounds like he is having trouble dealing with the transition so agree with those who say give him a couple of minutes to get himself ready to go.
I always find transitions go better if you show an interest in what they have been up to, eg get him to show you which toys he has been playing with briefly.

Lawks · 10/03/2009 06:18

HTT scenario:

ds "mummy!" runs over really pleased...
OP "hello, ds, shall we go to the park?"
ds runs off and hides in climbing frame
OP Ahh, I see you want to stay and play on the climbing frame a bit longer.
ds
OP It must be a bit annoying when you want to stay and play, but mummy suddenly appears and wants to take you away from all the lovely fun things to do here.
ds ... 'es
OP Well you have one more minute on the climbing frame while your sister and I watch your really good climbing, then we're going to go to the park and have an ice cream.

OP I really enjoyed watching your climbing ds! Lets have a chat about your climbing while we get in the car and go to the park for an ice cream.

That's roughly how I'd play it. It would really annoy me too if I was right in the middle of some important game and with no warning I had to stop and do something different.

EachPeachPearMum · 10/03/2009 07:55

So Lawks... which one are you... Adele Faber, or Elaine Mazlich?

Umlellala · 10/03/2009 08:07

You could try fantasising/being silly too. Ohhh, wouldn't it be funny if we stayed here aaaall night, and you could sleep here and have your breakfast here, etc...

Agree with Lawks though, it's the empathy that works.

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