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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS distraught and looks terrified if I go out of eyeline since first day at nursery on Friday

11 replies

cheekychopsmum · 09/03/2009 14:24

DS (15 months) had his first day at nursery on Friday (he'll be going 1 day a week). When I picked him up he cried when he saw me and ran over and wouldn't let go of me. He clung on to my arm all the way home and I had to coax him to let go so I could get my key of of my bag to open the door. He just looked terrified.

He has been the same all weekend, even when DP has tried to play with him, as soon as I go out of the room, DS screams and sobs and runs over and clings to me demanding to be picked up. He has never been like this before, usually quite independant (for a 1yr old) and doesn't like to be carried. This isn't just his usual cry when he doesn't want me to give my attention to something else ie cooking, you can hear the fear in his cry. I don't know what to do and how to reasure him. At the moment I am cuddling him everytime he cries and picking him up (which I'm finding difficult as I'm healing from a broken back). He won't be comforted by his dad and just screams for me.

Yesterday in the suppermarket he was hysterical when his dad was pushing the trolly and I went out of view behind another person.

I feel so guilty for leaving him if it has had this affect on him and don't think I can face taking him to nursery this friday (I return to work on thursday after 18 mths, my mum will look after him on Thursdays). I've already asked DP to take him as this my be better, though I can't imagine it will be.

What should I do?

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 09/03/2009 14:26

How many days is he going to be at nursery?

It may be better for him (not a comment on anyone else's choices) to be with dp, your mum, a childminder.

sorry for you though

He may settle in after a few days. Can you do half days to start?

Original poster

cheekychopsmum · 09/03/2009 14:49

He'll only be going 1 day a week, as I'll be working 2 days. My mum will have him on the other day, but she can't do both.

OP posts:

HSMM · 09/03/2009 14:58

It's probably just the age that he started at? He is kind of aware what is going on, but not really, so every time you leave the room, he needs to know you are coming back. A day feels like a lifetime at his age. He should soon settle. He may still cry for a while when you leave him, but if he is happy when you pick him up, then he has probably had a good time. Just bear with him being a bit clingy for a while .... sing when you leave the room, or something, so he knows you are still there.

purepurple · 09/03/2009 15:02

this is a perfectly normal phase, all children go through it, look up Bowlby and his attachment theory

bluepanda · 09/03/2009 18:27

My ds (same age) was like ths when he started nursery. It wore off quite soon, but it was really wearing while it lasted. He has been going to nursery two days a week for about six wks and still sometimes cries when he is dropped off, usually cries when dh picks him up (even if dh has spotted him happily playin moments before - it's like he does it for effect!) I was told once he gets used to you going and coming back again he should get better - good luck though, there's nothing like it to add to those feelings of guilt!

Annya · 10/03/2009 12:19

My son started nursery in Jan aged 22 months and it was quite an upheaval. He, too, became very clingy to me - I think as the one who dropped him off and didn't want to be left alone, even with his adored Dad. Two months on nursery is still a bit difficult but the general clingyness has subsided. I would have thought tho that at one day a week, your little one may take a while to get used to it.

gigglewitch · 10/03/2009 12:27

talk to him, lots and lots of the same conversation,Mummy's going to the bla bla (we have the "blue office" ) and give him something to take with him that's "yours" or you have identical ones - if that doesnt make a word of sense, I'll explain what we do. Each of mine have been on a shopping trip with me the week they went to nursery or wherever, chose a soft toy thing on a keyring, we bought two of them and one got attached to the dc's bag and one to mine [see, twins].We say that when dc misses me they give the little toy a hug or keep it in their pocket, and I do the same when I miss them.
With dd it has worked slightly differently as the one (scary yellow fluffy duck!) that hangs on my handbag gets un-attached from me and stays in her pocket instead and she puts it back on my handbag when I get to nursery to collect her. It works for us - maybe have a think and do your own version? A little girl who I teach was missing mummy horribly during her dancing lessons, so I told her about our thing and her mummy got a photo-keyring and put a picture of little girl and mum in it, again it attaches to her bag, now all is fine

Original poster

cheekychopsmum · 10/03/2009 14:42

Thanks for all your advice. I was going to take ds for an hour today and stay with him, but he is not well and spent the day sleeping. If he is well enough to go to nursery on Friday dp has taken the day off, so will take him and stay for a while. (Thought that because ds is used to dad going to work and coming back, this may not seem so bad...).

Also I hadn't thought to take anything of ds with us to the nursery when he went on Friday, so this probably made things worse because he didn't have anything familiar around him. Poor thing, I feel so bad.

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madwomanintheattic · 10/03/2009 14:50

don't feel bad - it's totally normal. i wouldn't do the 'staying' thing tbh - it just prolongs the agony and he won't get used to the fact that you leave him there and then go back. he'll be thinking 'i wonder if she's staying this time' and even subconsciously 'blimey, that worked, if i scream blue murder again she'll stay even longer'.

all 3 of mine did survive nursery lol. honest. with dd2 the settling in and staying with her was making it far far worse. as soon as she got used to the routine it was fine. you can use whatever 'new routine' you like eg like gigglewithc, but staying with him won't help imho. time will sort it!

crumpet · 10/03/2009 14:57

Lots of talking about the nursey in v simple language may help eg "x going to play the nursery soon, and see Y. Mummy going to the office then mummy come back and x and mummy go home"

Even at 28 months my ds likes this sort of repetition and will tell others - mummy going to work, then mummy coming back

Gemzooks · 10/03/2009 16:09

my DS was the same. it's heartbreaking at the time. but one day a week is not long. I would also not stay very long before saying goodbye. agree with other posters about promising him when you will return. and having a toy from home to go for naps with.

in our case it was a bad nursery, we moved DS after 3 months where he cried every day, and he was totally happy in the new one after just a few days. Now he is 2.5 and as happy as Larry. In some ways 1 day a week is harder as he will have almost forgotten about it by the time it comes round again. If poss could you do 2 mornings at nursery and the 2 afternoons with your mum?

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