dd is upsetting me :-(

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

She keeps telling DH she is naugty because she doesn't want to live with me anymore

She wants my sister to be her mum.

I have half a mind to let them live together when dh's house is done. I can guarentee that dd1 would want to come home within a week and might learn how much I do for her.

Why is she doing this to me? I am not mean to her, I spend time with her, I take her places, we bake together, if she wants to do a new activity I will do my upmost to make sure we can afford it, which causes arguments with DH.

My sister wouldn't do any of that for her. She would lounge in bed leaving dd to her own devices untill at least noon. They would barely have any food as sis would drink/smoke it all an they wouldn't leave the house, let alone walk to the park.

I am just so fed up of things. It's like it's never ending

how old is she? Must hurt a huge amount

I am sure she doesn't mean it, I used to want to live with my Nan because she gave me treats etc. I knew that it was never oging to happen so it was ok to say that is what I wanted IYSWIM.

Is there a reason she wants to live with your sister?

She is five.

No I don't think so, my sistr doesn't treat her. As I said she spends most of her money on drink.

What is it she says, exactly? "I am naughty, I don't want to live with Mummy?" Because if she's describing herself as naughty for having these thoughts, it's recognition that they are not OK but it's also quite worrying, I'd have thought.

OR is it normal (albeit horrible) 5yo 'I hate you Mummy' when you tell her off?

do you and dh live together? Just you say 'when dh's house is done'. Have you split up and is she insecure?

Another thought, sorry, is she just seeking reassurance that you love her even when she's naughty or not nice? Maybe she just wants to hear you say "I love you all the time even when I'm a bit cross" or something.

No DH asked her why she is always winding me up and not doing as she is told he reply was "I am naughty for mummy because I want Aunty X to be my mummy and I want to live with her, not my mummy"

Yes me and DH live together but we are renovating one house while living in another.

Maybe it is just reassurance she wants, but I tell her everyday I love her.

Oh that is upsetting, but she is still just a little kid. She doesn't understand what she is saying. She proabbly said it once. It got a reaction so HURRAH lets say it again.

I remmeber DSS kept saying that he was going to die soon (great reaction)

If I react to DS1 telling me to 'go away' he says it again and again.

I always used to tell my mum I wished my bf mum was my mum (she would always retort that she wished my bf was her dd!) I said it because mums are annoying (apart from me of course ) , but never in a million years did I mean it.

At 5 they have no understanding that you have feelings (if they ever do )

I am sure its just something that she is saying.

I find the "naughty" because of it bit more strange. Could you ask your sister whether she has spoken to her about it, maybe DD has said "I want to live with you aunty x" (perfectly normal sounding thing to say for a 5 year old) and your sister has said "Oh dont say that thats naughty, you'll upset mummy" so now she is telling you? Just a thought.

No. pamelat my sister is not v mature. She is the one who has put the idea into dds head in the first place She is spoilt and only capable of thinking of herself. Apparently she has been telling dd1 that they should live together without me.

Which again tempts me to just let them test out their little fantasy. My sister would get sick just as quick as dd1 does, without my mum there to do her shopping and her washing

Oh dear, definately sounds like your sister is the cause of this then. She could have been saying "if we lived together we could stay up all night/eat chocolate, not go to school ........ etc etc".

Poor DD, it must be confusing for her, and very selfish of your sister to do that

I feel for you, its the sort of thing i would take personally but it sounds like your sister is just putting ideas in to DDs head and her imagination is running riot, poor mite.

Your sister sounds horrible. What a thing to put into a little girl's head! Very nasty indeed using an innocent small child like that. Poor dd must be very confused.

Your sister sounds nasty! Having seen that it makes sense, have you spoken to your sister about how inappropriate comments like that are?

I have seen your other threads and you are all under a huge amount of stress at the moment, maybe this is her way of coping with it.

I doubt talking to her would help. When I say she is immature, thats a bit of an understatement. If I talked to her and told her it was upsetting me and confusing dd1 she would only say it all the more.

Me and sis are not really on good terms atm, but thats a whole other thread, so she has limited contact with dd1 anyway. I can't really stop her seeing her all together because she still lives with my mum who helps out with childcare while I work.

Have you spoken to your mum about this?

Oh dear, sounds like you've got two children there to cope with. I think the only way to deal with this is to keep reminding yourself that whatever your sister and dd are, you are an adult and cannot possibly be at this level. The right response to your dd is a brisk "yes, dear, but I am your mum and I'm going to carry on being your mum - now let's get going". Don't let her see that you are upset by her remarks; just carry on acting like the one strong and reassuring person- she will be thankful in the end.

And try to remind yourself that saying these things (I don't want you for a Mum, I hate you, I'm going to run away) is a perfectly normal thing at her age. If you are having a stressful time, it is likely to be exacerbated, but it's something happy and well adjusted children do anyway, even without someone like your sister to put ideas into their heads. Children, sadly, are not put into this world to make us feel better about ourselves.

Just ask your sister to tell her she is naughty when she's naughty. Maybe she thinks its only you that thinks she's naughty. % year old logic is tricky. Try not to take it personally. She is just working stuff out and won't realise how much it hurts you - or maybe she wants to se if she can hurt you. DS does that occasionally.

Do you talk to each other about feelings? Yours and hers?

Yes. Edam. DS hates being told he's a naughty boy. I try to say 'that was a naughty thing you did' instead, but sometimes it just comes out.

I agree with cory - just make sure she knows you want her to be with you, you love her very much, and you're always going to be her mum and look after her. you can acknowledge the fun she has at your sisters (try not to be snide) I would DEFINATELY say don't send her to stay at your sisters, she will feel abandoned for being naughty - she needs to feel secure that you love her and will be her mum no matter what.

our dd sometimes says she wants to live at her granny's, it is upsetting but she always forgets it after a day or two. i explain to dd i understand it must be great wearing fairy princess outfits and watching DVDs and being the centre of the attention all the time but that is nanny's job to spoil her a bit and give her lots of treats and its my job to be her mum and make sure she doesn't grow up a spoilt madam with no friends!

as my mum says 'its not your job to be popular its your job to be responsible and act like the grown up' (even when you don't feel it

Aunty's / Granny's / uncles priviledge to be the popular one, maybe you'll get your turn one day?!

I feel you're pain! My 5 yo dd said much the same thing the same thing to me last week. It was after a coversation about trading the cat in for a new rabbit. I cried secretly but did not rise to it, figuring that she was just testing the boundaries. And her cousins DO have a trampoline!