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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

5 year old girl & boy 'playing'!!

23 replies

sonnysmum · 08/03/2009 18:15

have not felt the need to post on here for LONG TIME, but we just had a funny 'incident' round at friends...
DS 5 & friend (girl) of same age were playing sweetly & then we heard lots of giggling & my DS ran down to tell me he had seen her 'doing a wee' & she had watched him!
This continued & then in the car on the way home he told me they were doing 'bottom kisses' & it made his tummy go funny.
i am trying to be cool about it, but feel really strange??! For the first time ever I feel like I don't know how to handle something! He said can she come round at play at ours next week! They are both completely sweet, lovely kids, but I feel like maybe she shouldn't come round - coz they are just gonna continue this sort of playing & where's it gonna go...?
I am usually quiet open minded, but am quite shaken by this....maybe it's just me or maybe to do with loosing my "baby"!?
Anyone else had this sort of thing? Tried to search on mumsnet, but didn't really know what to type...

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bigTillyMint · 08/03/2009 18:19

Have you talked to the other mum about today? Maybe you should check out how she feels about it too. And then have conversations with your children about what you feel is appropriate / not appropriate behaviour.

It is probably completely innocent, but could easily be misconstrued by someone else. Something similar happenned with my DS and the fall-out was pretty bad.

shatteredmumsrus · 08/03/2009 18:26

I have walked in on my son and his friend (also a boy) and they looked very guilty with big smiles on their faces. The other boy had no clothes on. I told him politely to get dressed and mentioned it to his mom. She said he oftens does this. Don't think there is anything to worry about, they are just intrigued. I would let them play together again with all doors open or eevn only allowed to play downstairs. Innocent IMO

RedOnHerHead · 08/03/2009 18:31

could you have a conversation with your DS about private parts? explain what a private part is and who can and can't touch those parts - we had the convo with our DS because he wouldn't leave his willy alone - we told him that it was one of his private parts and that he could touch it but other people wouldn't want to see him doing it etc... and nobody else is to touch it except mummy or daddy to help to clean or a doctor or nurse if mummy or daddy is there.

I think its important to have a chat with children about it because you hear so much about awful things going on and if they know it is a private part then they are able to say no when people, children want to touch it. Yes, its probably innocent play, but it wont hurt to bring the subject up. I don't think I would be comfortable with my DS (age 4) being touched by another child either and vice versa.

Original poster

sonnysmum · 08/03/2009 18:33

Yes - i can imagine the fall out i COULD have had with a different mum, especially since I have the boy (even though it was the girl who instigated he whole thing).
Luckily the other mum is a really good friend & very open minded. we were both at a bit of a loss really.
The trouble with having a conversation with my DS about I feel is appropriate / not appropriate behaviour, is that I don't really know. I said "it's quite a private thing,etc" but he said - "it's okay - we really liked it". GULP!
I said to him, it's really only when you're much older that you kiss & cuddle girls, when you're little you don't really have to do that stuff..
didn't really know what i was on about. I just don't want this to happen with one of my more 'conservative' friends....!

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bigTillyMint · 09/03/2009 08:13

I'm glad the other mum is in tune with you and like I said, I'm sure it's innocent.

But some mums might not see it that way, which is what happenned to us We had that conversation and nothing untoward happenned again!

frogs · 09/03/2009 08:19

You need two lines here:

"Bottoms are private, we don't let other people touch our bottoms, and we don't touch other people's bottoms. And we don't show our bottoms to people outside the family."

and

"We don't play any games that involve taking off your pants."

Rainbear · 09/03/2009 10:21

What's the big deal, it's perfectly natural for children to explore their bodies and sexuality at this age. I don't think there needs to be any shaming or telling them that it's not appropriate.

RedOnHerHead · 09/03/2009 13:17

Rainbear, I agree with you to a certain extent.... but what happens if an adult (it does happen) wanted to play those games? The child wouldn't understand that it is wrong. That's why I had the conversation with my son. It happened to my DH by a then close friend of the family (who happened to be babysitter also) and I NEVER want it happening to my DS. I think although you need to protect their innocence, you do need to tell them that some things are not to be done.

smallorange · 09/03/2009 13:22

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - just tell them to keep their pants on and check on them occasionally.

dearprudence · 09/03/2009 13:32

I once found my DS and another boy of the same age doing some willy touching - they were 5 too. I was a bit shocked, and posted about it on here (different name). My gut instinct was that as Rainbear says, it's perfectly natural curiosity, and I remember doing similar things myself as a child. I overheard them talking before I saw them, and I'm pretty sure the other boy instigated it, but DS was a willing participant.

Even though I think it's natural, I would hate the idea that DS would get caught doing this at someone else's house and be 'in trouble' - and that the mums might start to talk and this could kick off a lot of awkwardness and bad feeling.

I had a talk with DS about willies being private, and told him I didn't want him to play these games. I'm nowhere near convinced I did the right thing - just sharing my experience, really. In a way, I wish I'd never found out, as I really do think it's a normal part of development. But in the past, I've seen the fallout from this type of event within my group of friends and I wouldn't want to be in this situation.

I've rambled. Sorry. I guess I'm just saying try not to worry too much, and it's really up to you to decide whether you want to tell him stop him or not.

dearprudence · 09/03/2009 13:33

Oh, and I did allow them to carry on playing together, but I kept a much closer eye on them and I'd occasionally remind DS that he wasn't to play any silly games with other boy. He knew what I meant. They are nearly 7 now and still play together often - I've not seen any sign of this type of behaviour for ages now.

gladders · 09/03/2009 14:00

this has happened to us loads recently - ds (4.6) and his friends seem to strip off all the time! i don't think there's any touching, just looking and i pretty much leave them to it!

i just think it's a phase they'll grow out of - i can remember playing similar games as a child... - and i don't want to make a big deal out of it by intervening...

Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 17:46

eeekk. Such a tricky one - i do agree with you Frogs - those 2 sentences sound like a simple solution, but I am also inclined to agree with Rainbear....
I do agree with " we don't play games where you take off your pants", but then again, i really don't want to make a big deal about it. I don't want him to think he has done something naughty (because I definitely don't think it is) and I absolutely don't want him to feel embarrassed about it.....
If he thinks he has done something naughty - he will just feel like he can't talk to me....
My only worry is that i don't want this 'adventure' to continue...or escalate.
We have agreed to have our next playdate in the park!

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Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 17:51

Thank you dearprudence...your feelings are so similar to mine i.e. you know that it's absolutely fine, of course, but the thought of another mother taking offence & blaming MY DS is awful.
Good to know your DS is now 7 & still playing with the friend happily

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Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 17:51

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screamingabdab · 09/03/2009 18:04

sonnysmum I am similarly torn. DS1 has done this with boy and girl friends, but seems to have lost interest recently (he is 8).

All the books I've read say - not to worry, perfectly normal etc., but discourage (why?) Hard to do that without shaming them. I never did it as a child so have none of my own experience to go on.

DH is completely relaxed about it, as is the father of DSs (girl) friend with whom he was playing mummies and daddies. DH remembers playing with his 2 girl neighbours and touching was definitely involved!

screamingabdab · 09/03/2009 18:05

BTW DH has not turned into a pervert of any sort as a result of his childhood . In fact, very intune with the ladies !

screamingabdab · 09/03/2009 18:10

dearprudence just agreeing with what you said - I too have asked him not to do it, but not sure I've done the right thing. I wonder if it's hard for us mums to come face to face with what we see as our boys' sexuality?

Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 19:03

funny that my DH is also very casual about the whole thing, and so is the dad of 'the girl'! Almost like "what's all the fuss about"...so maybe it is us mums...loosing control of our babies that we know - moving into a world we know nothing about!?
Spoke last night to my DD2's godmother (age 21) - she is ace & said "oh yeah...I used to do bottom kisses all the time with my friends...we even had a song for it"! LOL! She is lovely & very well adjusted!!!
Also just told DS we are playing at a friends on weds - he said "ooow, can't we play at E's" (the girl)...I said a few things...all probably wrong...& he said "it's fine mum - she said she liked playing those games". When I said that some people wouldn't like it, coz it's private & some people might get cross etc etc. he said "That's ok - I'll just play those things with E, and no one else".
Am on my way to get a bucket of cold water.....

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screamingabdab · 09/03/2009 19:40

LOL sonnysmum

This is where the whole problem about private parts being private falls down. It's completely not done under duress and they both like it !! (I have spoken to both my boys about adults not touching their private parts, though).

Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 20:27

Blimey, just seen RedOnHerHead 's post on an ITV program about Jade Goody/smear test! Not sure how to post you directly RedOnHerHead, but hope you saw it!!

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RedOnHerHead · 09/03/2009 20:49

Eh? What was I on?
Was it a good thing about smear testing I do hope so, because I always urge my friends to get theirs done???

Original poster

sonnysmum · 09/03/2009 21:11

It was called "Jade Goody, The legacy" on ITV - anyway they were saying about "The Jade Goody Effect" about getting smear tests & they said they had seen on various websites the positive effects it had had...anyway, then the name RedOnHerHead was shown with a post about smear tests (you couldn't quite see the whole message - it was a snap shot really). Just funny as I had been reading your posts just a few mins before!!

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