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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS prefers his nanny to me

17 replies

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:10

we have an absolutely fantastic nanny for our DS 19 months who is everything we could dream of - she has been with us about nine months now and we love her to bits. But i am worried my DS is getting too attached to her and she may be starting to "replace" my role This hasn't been an issue before but is now really worrying and upsetting me.
She has just been on holiday for us for 7 days during which she looked after him for most of each day, so has spent an unusual amount of time with him - normally she works 3.5 days a week - and this seems to have brought the problem to a head. I rushed home from work today to do his bath and bedtime routine, so looking forward to seeing him, and he didn't seem that interested to see me and went into a complete meltdown when our nanny left I've never witnessed him having such a tantrum and i'm feeling very shaken.
obviously this situation is my "fault" for not spending more time with him (i work full time, not by choice) but blame issues aside, now what? does it matter? should i just get over it? is there anything i can do about it other than try and go part time? i can't criticise my nanny in any shape or form - it's almost like she's too good at the job.
has anyone had any similar experiences?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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singyswife · 05/03/2009 20:15

No but am bumping for you as you obviously need some advice.

compo · 05/03/2009 20:17

I'm sure he doesn't prefer her to you
If you work full time I imagine you probably want to spend all your holidays with your child so how come she looked after him for most of the day while you were away? Maybe next time don't take her?

EffiePerine · 05/03/2009 20:19

How would you feel if this were a grandparent rather than a nanny? And DS had git upset after they had been visiting for a few days then left? I'd say it was a good thing that your DS loves his nanny, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. There is plenty of room for all sorts of people in his life

lisad123 · 05/03/2009 20:19

I think you have a choice, you can either try and spend more time with him, or just exspect the fact thats children get very attatched to adult that thery spend most of their time with. Please dont be rejected he still loves you but children are all for living for the day HTH

EffiePerine · 05/03/2009 20:21

(DS1 is somewhat peeved that he doesn't get to see his CM as often now I'm on ML. I like to think we have a strong bond but he loves spending time with her too - I usually work 4 days a week)

Acinonyx · 05/03/2009 20:21

I thihnk you have to accept this as your nanny is one of his primary carers. My dd is very attached to her childminder and we had a few difficult days over Xmas as she missed her and kept asking to go. It did make us both think about how we could improve the quality of our time with dd. It's hard to compete with someone who, frankly, is much more genuinely engaging and takes much more pleasure in being with children (and isn't trying to do other chores at the same time).

Overall I am comforted by the fact that I know dd is very attached to her CM.

I think next time you should try and spend more of your holiday with your dc - I know it's very limiting to take a young dc on holiday but a child's love isn't quite THAT unconditional. Leave nanny at home or just have her babysit in the evenings.

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:29

yes, on reflection perhaps we got it wrong with the holiday. it seemed a real success at the time - everyone really enjoyed it. but if it upset my relationship with DS that is obviously too high a price to pay

OP posts:

noonki · 05/03/2009 20:30

Can I ask why if you work fulltime you took a nanny on holiday with you.

When I worked full time (I hated it as I missed DS1 too much so dropped to p/t) I used every bit of al to be with him.

Does your nanny look after him when you are off work at the end of the day?

If so can you get her to only look after him when you are working and you do the rest?

The worry is, is if she leaves it will be pretty upsetting for him. But if she is around for the longterm, it would be the same as a lovely relative.

You need to think about your priorites, if work is a important part of your life then you need to realise that you will miss out on being as close to your child as some other parents. But maybe you can look at rearrange the time you have at home to be more quality iyswim.

It is also a really positive thing. It's womderful that she is so good with him, be far worse if he didnt like her.

My CM is a wonderful positive influence on my DSs and they gain so much from her.

Hope you sort something out

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:38

thanks noonki. we took her on holiday with us because it was a skiing holiday, organised at the last minute after i suffered my third miscarriage in eight months. we love skiing and thought it would take our minds off things and give us a real break and some fresh air etc to try and get over things. i would never use a babysitter or holiday nanny we don't know and so it seemed a good solution and in fact he had a lovely time, and was very happy throughout our time away, playing in the snow, sledging etc. we all looked after him but she was in sole charge while we were actually skiing, for obvious reasons, which was a large chunk of most days.
given the situation now, perhaps this was a mistake, and we won't do it again.

OP posts:

wobbegong · 05/03/2009 20:39

Sorry to hear your about this tantrum- it must have been horrible for you.

This happens to me too, and I work part-time. It happens to all of us I think.

I wonder if we should try to see it more from your DS' point of view. Maybe he misses the nanny when she is gone. But maybe he missed you in the day too, and now when you are back, he remembers that you left him. And he feels safe enough to express that anger and annoyance that you left him. Unfortunately he directs that at you! It means he really loves you, not the opposite.

It is part of growing up, that figures of attachment come and go, and a baby has to make sense of it all. Maybe it is particularly difficult for him at the moment perhaps, trying to make sense of all the changes which came with a holiday- new places, new people, new moods, new routines. And then he has you rushing home all excited to see him, maybe at a time when he is a bit knackered from a long day and so you aren't able to judge each others' mood and energy levels and so on.

Please don't feel it is "your fault". That makes me really sad to hear another mother say that. There will be many more tantrums to come I am sure, and it is part of growing up- for both of you.

Does this help?

leaflet about separation in the early years

wobbegong · 05/03/2009 20:41

X-post

Sorry to hear about your mcs

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:45

thank wobbegong

OP posts:

oregonianabroad · 05/03/2009 20:48

My older one begs to go to nursery during the hols. part of the reason is because he genuinely loves it, but part of it is, I am sure, to get attention from me.

It's great that he is so attached to the nanny, and I'm sure he is well attached to you and others in his life also. Don't feel guilty about the holidays, especially as it sounds as though you needed a good break (sorry to hear about your mcs). We have too much to feel guilty about the rest of the time!

Look at the time you have available, and what you think best for your family now, as well as what is actually achievable, and then don't beat yourself up.

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/03/2009 20:55

Oh dear. This must have been very hard for you.

Totallu understand why you needed the holiday after three miscarriages, and it was very good parenting for you to take a nanny who your ds knows and loves rather than use ski holiday childcare (grim).

Please don't feel that your DS prefers his nanny. he hs just got into a routine which, being the age he is, he wants to continue. I worked FT from when my dd was 3 months, and I had hell pains because I was convinced that dd preferred to spend her time with the CM or my mum. However, it all went through stages - sometimes she looked horrified to see me at the end of the day , an at others she was overjoyed to see me. DD and I are now extremely close (she is now 13) an my working, and being apart from her from such a young age, have had no effect, believe me.

Please don't flagellate yourself. It is a lovely thing that your nanny is obviously so good at her job and close to your ds.

noonki · 05/03/2009 21:05

so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.s In the long run the holiday was probably the best thin gfor all of you.

My ds1 behaves FAR better for his cm than me. part of that is because he knows that no matter what he does I will love him.

At sixteen months they tantrum because of ANYTHING! it will only get worse!

goodnightmoon · 05/03/2009 21:11

love is not a pie. he can love both of you.

it sounds like a good problem, mostly.

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 21:21

On the plus side it is lovely to know that he has such good child care so I think you have to accept he loves you both and try and spend more time with him.

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