What do you say to your DC when "'so and so's not their friend" ? I'd really appreciate some advice. I know it's probably no big deal and might be forgotten about by tonight, but it was upsetting DD (4.8 yo) this morning and I think it's really important to show her that mum will always listen to her problems. I'd like ideas about how to react in future.
My problem is: I don't want to be one of those mums who thinks their kids are angels whose word is gospel (who knows? DD might have instigated it?), but neither do I want to belittle her problems or discourage her from talking to me about them. I think encouraging her to tell me her worries now is the way to go for the future, but I don't want to encourage her to be oversensitive or a drama queen either.
This morning, she said to me that one of her friends told her she's not her friend anymore. To us, it's petty, I know, but it's their whole life. It was obviously on her mind and she was a bit worried about facing this girl at school again today.
I tried to follow the advice of the books I've read, which say listen and encourage the child to explain, rather than jumping in with advice. I restricted myself to 'oh dears' and 'how did that make you feel?' and she elaborated. She said it made her sad and upset and it sounds to me like a typical girls' friendship triangle has developed already. We had a cuddle and I let her tell me all about it. But then I got the feeling that she realised it was a winner in the sympathy and cuddles stakes and started to milk it a bit? Or maybe I'm just too sceptical as we've never had any trouble like this before.
DD is one of the youngest in her Reception class. She's always been an incredibly sociable little soul who loves going to school. At the last parents evening her teacher described her as being friends with everyone, getting on with everyone and having no enemies (the teacher's word) in the class at all. She's been in nursery/reception for 1½ years now. We've always encouraged her to take things lightly and she's never once mentioned any problems with her peers although there have been many between other class members - AND their parents - eek! This came out of the blue and I just didn't know how to deal with it.
I asked her what she'd said when 'x' announced she wasn't DD's friend because she was 'y's' friend. She said she'd said, "Fine, I'll go play with 'z'" Which I thought was great, especially as 'z' is much nicer anyway, but she was obviously still worried about the day ahead, particularly as she has to sit with 'x' throughout the day. After the listening and cuddling, I couldn't resist advising by telling her that it's not nice to say you're not friends, to be nice to the girls even if they weren't nice to her, but to just go play with someone else if they didn't want to play with her. It's so hard to simplify things enough to help a naïve-even-for-that-age 4 yo.
I have no idea whether I did the right thing. Maybe I should just butt out completely? I know it's only 'trivial kids' stuff' but it's a big deal when you are a kid, isn't it? My main concern is fostering a relationship where she wants to turn to mummy with her troubles, without encouraging oversensitivity.
(Thanks. Sorry for long post - brevity and me have always been strangers!)