Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

All those that have a 'naughty step/spot'

31 replies

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 16:48

At what age did you start using it?
Ds is 19m, is that too young?
He keeps trying to hit and kick the new baby and obviously I can't always anticipate the next move so sometimes don't manage to block him.
Atm, I am just telling ds sternly "no" and turning him away from the baby, but need to do something else. I don't think he understands that he's being told off.
I like theidea of the naughty step in stead of me always shouting at him, or tapping him on the hand.
Also any other ideas?
TIA

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ChopsTheDuck · 04/03/2009 16:52

not sure what age we started at, but I'm sure it was by then, we've been using it as long as I can remember with ours. I think it works really well as it defuses the whole situation once they get the hang of it.

I think you need to deal with the root causes of his issues too, sounds like jealousy.

Toddlers hate to be ignored, you'd prob find payig extra attention to the baby when he is misbehving would work well. And rewarding him with extra attention when he is being kinder to his sibling!

Sawyer64 · 04/03/2009 16:55

Alot of people may say this is too young,but IME the earlier you start the better,as often just the mention of "Naughty Step" is enough to deter.

We started it with DD1 at 18 mths,and felt dreadful as she would cry,but 1 minute is fairly quick,and after the first 1-2 times,we didn't actually get to putting her there,as she stopped whatever was wrong.

Started around that age with DD2 as well, with the same result.

Even "made an example of" DS (13)the other day,DD's couldn't believe it,neither could DS!

Well,whats "Sauce for the Goose".....!!!!

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 16:56

Absolutely Chops Ds1 gets lots of praise when hedoes something good, like putting a toy on the floor nicely instead of throwing it across the room, he also helps with the baby, passing the nappy and cotton wool, putting a wet wrapped nappy in the bin, I also try to give him a hug and a tickle or something when I finish feeding and we then have a little play together, if I have to see to the baby when we are playing I tell him why I'm leaving but he doesn't understand. It is so difficult to try to find the time for both of them

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 16:58

Thanx Sawyer I might give it a go then, I've seen it done on Supernanny so know to just keep putting him back when he walks off, but do I start the 1 minute from the begining every time?

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 04/03/2009 17:05

IMO 19 months is too young for the naughty step, especially in this situation, when DS1 is fearing you have rejected him.

DS1 was 2.5 when DS2 was born, and also used to hit him. This came as a complete shock to me as he had been a very non-aggressive child up to that point. I don't have all the answers, because I know how distressing this is, but looking back I see how angry he was (furious, in fact), and had no understanding of what had happened or how to express himself any other way. He may look huge to you now, but believe me, he is still a baby himself.

Try to remain calm, keep your voice low, get down to his level, look him in the face and say "do not hit". Then offer him an alternative eg say "this is how the baby likes to be touched". Give DS1 as much attention as you can, especially when feeding the baby. Try not to worry that you are not giving the baby as much attention as you would like, or you gave DS1. In my experience, they get as much out of watching you play with the older one.
Don't expect DS1 to be very interested in the baby, but give him lots of praise when he does, and is kind.

I wouldn't advice a tap on the hand, as this is giving a mixed message about hitting. I know that this is not designed to hurt, but I really don't think it works
Never leave them alone together.

Do not fall into the trap (as I did) of worrying that DS1 has turned into a monster, or will always be like this.

I think that the naughty step will bring more heat to the situation. I read a book that advised trying to sound like a bored policeman when you tell them off!

Good luck. I know how hard it is, but it will pass. Mine are now 5 and 8 and get on really well (most of the time).

Sawyer64 · 04/03/2009 17:06

Yes!
That way as he gets older and understands the "time" idea,he'll want to get the "punishment/Time Out" over with quickly and not keep making it longer.

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 17:15

scream you have some valid points there too actually. I don't like the tapping on the hand for this situation as it does give mixed messages, I have used it when he has put the toilet brush in his mouth......
I don't want to do anything ese to make him feel unloved or pushed out, if anything I'm making more of an effort with him now, but I know he must be so angry and frustrated and doesn't even understand his feelings.
This is really upsetting for me (and ds1), I just don't know what to do, it is all day every day and I hate not being able to spend as much time 100% focused on him.
I know it';ll get easier, it's just hard at the moment...

Sawyer I thought so, just wanted to check.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 04/03/2009 17:23

LOL at toilet brush!

This too will pass.

Actually, I wish I had known about MN when mine were little. I didn't know anyone else whose child was hitting the baby. They would all say "Oh, little johnny loves his baby sister!"

One day DS1 actually said to me "Mummy, can you go out so I can hit Charlie ?" Oh, how we all laugh about that now

screamingabdab · 04/03/2009 17:26

BTW, I am a fan of the naughty step for slightly older children, worked a treat with DS2, who hated to be away from the action for a moment.

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 17:28

They are funny aren't they.
I get so frustrated too because I'm trying not to be too hard on him, and remember that he's still a baby himself, but the cold hard truth is that he has to learn doesn't he? It's finding the best way of doing it.

I just don't know what to do now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 17:30

I don't want ds to feel that he is being pushed out or that we don't love him as much, and most of the time he is very happy, but I need to spend a certain amount of time with the baby too and am finding it reaaly difficult getting the balance right.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 04/03/2009 17:36

Maybe try it and see. Follow the Supernanny model. Don't be too angry when you do it
Just do the "love-bombing" thing as well.

Behold how screamingabdab contradicts herself in the space of one thread!

screamingabdab · 04/03/2009 17:38

Mum of two = guilt. You are clearly a thoughtful loving mummy!

But it is so worth it. I'm so glad I had 2. Is DC a boy or girl?

MrsMerryHenry · 04/03/2009 17:41

Ordinarily I wouldn't say it's too young, but since he's possibly feeling rejected I think it would be unreasonable and unhelpful. You need to attend to his feelings of jealousy or whatever it is. Could you try distraction or removing him from DD without saying anything or punishing - here I mean removing him and occupying him with a new, fun activity?

I realise that with two young-uns in tow this is a tall order, but perhaps you could prepare a list of 3 distracting activities in advance so that you don't have to think of one on the spot!

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 17:47

screamingabdab Baby is also a boy, so am well prepared for years of fighting!! I have told ds1 not to hit ds2 until he's big enough to hit him back!!

MrsMH Atm, I am turning him away from the baby and maybe passing him something that is near me, but if I'm in the middle of changing a poo filled nappy, there's not really too much I can do, but agree distraction may be very helpful, but there is no reasoning with a toddler is there, distraction doesn't seem to work, but think maybe I need to come up ith some more ideas. They just get so bored so quickly with their toys.

OP posts:

MrsMerryHenry · 04/03/2009 17:50

Yes, a tricky one. Could you change the baby on a higher surface where DS1 can't reach easily? Then give him several fun things to do whilst he sits at your feet, but do this before you start changing? Or, failing that, switch on Thomas The Tank Engine? (bloody Thomas, mutter, mutter...) - guess what sex my DC is?

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 17:53

Yes, bloody Thomas. And Bob. And Postman Pat!.......
Yes, Icould do all of that, I find changing easier on the floor tbh, but maybe I could get a few 'special' toys for the living room and feeding/changing time.

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 04/03/2009 17:53

About 3 years old and only for about 3 minutes. We increased the time by 1 minute for each year of age and hardly use it now. They only get sent when one needs to be separted from the other after things have got out of hand - which is rare.

MrsMerryHenry · 04/03/2009 17:56

Thank goodness we've managed to mostly keep Bob and Pat (and Sam) at bay.

What about favourite books? Drawing things?

OOh, I know - pasta!

Buy a bag of dirt cheap economy pasta. Give him some pasta, a washing-up bowl, some cups. That's it. Now go and change your baby.

Works like a dream.

bohemianbint · 04/03/2009 18:02

Is the baby brand new? I have two boys exactly 2 years apart, the baby is now 6 months and I know how hard it can be, especially if you've got a "spirited" DS1.

FWIW I tried the naughty step around the time the baby was born , so DS1 was just turned 2. It was a bloody nightmare, he wouldn't stay on it and we had 20 mins of screaming before I gave it up as a bad job, I just didn't have the time with DS2 to look after as well.

I tried it again recently after he hit the baby (it's rare that he does that, he had the devil in him that day) and I found he would sit there and understood what was happening more.

If it's any consolation now DS2 is a tiny bit older and can laugh they seem to really get on and have a giggle,and DS2 is generally speaking brilliant with him and very protective. So it might improve with time! Really is tough though, I'm only just starting to feel I can cope, and that's still not every day.

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 18:04

I'm sure Postman Pat was better when I was a child, and I'm sure he wasn't such a crap postman!!!!!
Have been trying the book thing when feeding. Story time follows nap time in this house, but I have been trying to read him pop up books at feeding times, but he soon gets bored, we do drwings together mostly, but he likes to eat the crayons
I love the pasta and plastic bowl idea though. Will try that tomorrow.
He has his own room and all his toys, book, teddy's are in there, he will bring out some toys at random points through the day but it's always the same ones. Maybe I should dig out somefrom the bottom of the box and bring them through to living room in the morning and maybe change toys that are out through the day, might stop him getting so bored

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 18:06

Hi bohemian baby is 4 weeks old now so think ds1 has just realised that he's here to stay, this has been going on for just over a week.
I know it'll get easier, it's just getting through one day at a time isn't it?

OP posts:

bohemianbint · 04/03/2009 18:08

Well done - I really struggled at that point and went to stay with my mum who really helped us with DS1 so we could relax a bit and enjoy DS2. Do you have much in the way of support?

MrsMerryHenry · 04/03/2009 18:09

PMSL at 'crap postman' - maybe the show's become reality TV?

Good luck!!

Original poster

SomeMightSay · 04/03/2009 18:17

bohem My family and most of my friends live in London, I am in North Surrey, so it's not far but I'm not brave enough to do public transport with 2 of them yet, not for that long a journey, and parents keep saying they'll try to get over but visits seem few and far between, it is me that makes all the effort. I'm sure they'd be here if I asked for help but I told my mum late in pregnancy I was findong it difficult with ds because I had some pains (maybe mild SPD) that were making getting out difficult, and she said something like "you'll be ok" but didn't offer any help, and when I did ask her to come over to help me with him when I was getting really uncomfortable she said she didn't really have time but maybe next week....
Dp's here, but he works sometimes 60 hours a week, these past 2 weeks he's been on nights so that's been hard, he does as much as he can.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2