Are boys 'naturally' aggressive? How can we nip this in the bud?

[Marthasmama]

Dh came home from dropping DS (5.5) at school and told me that while they were waiting to go in, another child had run to his mum crying that DS had headbutted him. DH questioned DS about it and DS admitted that he had done it on purpose. The other boy's mum then went on to say that her DS had come home a few times saying my DS had hit him for no reason. My DH has seen the boys play fighting and said that he was rather shocked at how aggressive they BOTH were. He thinks that it is mostly likely boys being boys and that the other boy has either started the fight or has in some way fought back. He thinks that boys are naturally aggressive. I think this is rubbish and that boys end up aggressive because they are expected to play fight etc. DH play fights a lot with DS and I think this has contributed towards his now aggressive behaviour. DH denies that his behaviour has contributed and is sulking with me about it.

I think that I need to address the behaviour of both the males in this house but don't know how to go about it without alienating DH. I am also unsure about how to deal with the more pressing issue of how to stop DS fighting with his friends when I know that this is part of their usual play. Any ideas would be gratefully recieved. If I have been unclear about what I am asking, let me know and I'll try to clarify. Cheers m'dears.

No. I think they can be more boisterous and more into physical games than girls (generally not every one)

Agressive is NOT the same as boisterous and you should help them to change this.

headbutting and hitting is 100% unacceptable and your husband should not be attempting to excuse this.

you need to find a way to get your husband on board, he needs to scale back the play fighting. You both need to teach your son the difference between playing and fighting and how to make sure he doesn't go too far and how to tell when he has accidentally hurt someone, what to do (starting with apologising!) and how to play without hurting.

And as for deliberately headbutting someone - big big punishment needed! That is totally out of order.

I think boys do tend to be naturally physical in their play, and play fighting etc is normal for them. What is important is that they learn to stop short of hurting each other in the process! So, play fighting with your DH won't make him aggressive, but it's better if they establish some rules about it, so things like headbutting are out of bounds. Also if he's playing with friends, he has to learn to see the difference between a good-natured tussle, and deliberately hitting or headbutting a friend.

One thing I've seen suggested for boys who are getting too rough is to get them involved in a sport or martial art, so they can learn to channel their physical energy into something while being taught about control and appropriate behaviour. Sports and martial arts have strict rules to stop them actually getting harmed, so it teaches them to remain in control.

Yes I agree Hecate. He does need a big punishment. I'm just so angry with him at the moment he has not been bought up to think that hurting someone is ok, but I do feel that DH lets it slide too often. He was such a calm boy until he started school. I am sure he'll be very upset that he hurt his friend and I have no doubt that he didn't really mean to hurt him, but that does not take away from the fact that he did it.

AmuminScotland - I agree he needs a hobby. He wants to play rugby but he can't start that until he is 7. We have talked to him about martial arts but he isn't keen.

I think as long as your DH is not being aggressive then playfighting with DS is a good thing. He will be teaching him how to be physical without hurting (ifyswim). He will be learning that as an adult although his dad could, he never does hurt him, and that he is aware of his actions and controllling how much strength he uses. This is a really important thing to learn.

I do this with my boys because my DH is not one for wrestling, or tickling type games.

As for are boys agressive - I think yes sometimes - they have surges of testosterone at some developmental stages which makes them more physical and usually the things they do are not intended to hurt - they just don't think about the consequences. That is what they need to learn - to tone down the force so that no-one gets hurt.

As for the headbutting incident - I would sit an talk to him about what things are ok to do and what aren't - and why. Eg - you can't headbutt someone without hurting them - and why would you be wanting to hurt them ? How would you feel if I hurt you by headbutting you ? that sort of thing.

by the way - I have 3 boys who also have always been tought not to hurt deliberately- but at 6 and 7 they still do on occasion.

And a lot of this behaviour is picked up from peers at school in the first year or so - and you need to keep reinforcing what is not allowed - hopefully by 8-9 that message will be ingrained and such incidents will be rare.

Thank you throckenholt - the problem I have with the play fighting is that DH never stops DS from hurting him! I have seen DS kicking DH pretty hard in the shins when they're playing but DH never says anything to DS. It's usually me that has to!

hmm - I can see the problem there.

you need to talk to DH and talk about his role teaching ds to control his strength. Suggest he might not like the idea of an adult DS lashing out at his wife when he is angry, or hurting his children, or maybe getting beaten up because he got into a fight with someone who was really out of control.

It is really hard to unlearn habit, and much better to instil the right habit to start with.

What Throck said, OP's DH needs to teach his son where the limits are, how to playfight without going too far.

I have 2 DSs, and one is much more brutal than the other; DS2 likes to say 'Hello' by running up to a mate and pushing them over. It's not deliberate malice, he's just very physical and impulsive in his physicality. DS1 lashes out when angry, but that's a different problem.

DH and I have had a chat about the play fighting and he agrees that he needs to give DS some limits. We are going to sit down with DS and talk to him about what's been going on. He has been off school with conjunctivitis and the boy he hurt is one of his best mates. I'm am definately not making excuses as he was in the wrong, but I feel that it might have been over-excitement on his part as he hadn't seen his friend for a couple of days. I anticipate that he will do a lot of crying when we have a chat and think he'll probably be feeling terrible about it already.

You could easily soften it if DH will let you by saying that it was fine when he was little, but it's your fault as adults for letting him do it now he's so big, as he could (and has!) really hurt someone. I think physical play is important - my son and DH do it lots, but the reason it's important is for them to learn with the right person (ie a trusted adult) how not to hurt.

• are they allowed to play like that at school - ie play fighting? It's totally banned at DS's school, even in the playground and that seems to work well as they all understand it's a rule not to be broken.

I agree that it shouldn't be allowed in the school playground. They play Power Rangers etc . DS has never watched Power Rangers or anything like that so the only way he knows about them is from school. The boy DS hurt regularly gets injured at school from play fighting and has been accused of deliberately hurting another child in the past. Again, I'm not saying this to suggest that DS wasn't in the wrong, he was, just to give you a background of the circumstances. The irony is that DS used to avoid playing with this boy as he was so into play fighting and DS didn't like it. It was banned at nursery when he was there but the school seem to let it happen. We're both going to pick him up this afternoon (DH is off work studying) and will have a good talk with him when we're home. Thank you ladies for your help. You are, as ever, the fountain of all knowledge.

Sounds like he's just trying to fit in then. Be gentle, he's only copying

It is really refreshing to hear you want to combat the problem! that boys will be boys attitude seriously rubs me up the wrong way. I have 2 boys and they are not allowed to behave aggressively to others.

A punishment for aggression is good, as well as a heathly dose of Empathy. Try to get your son see it from the other side. It works wonders for mine...

Good luck

I have news. DS came out of school with the boy he hurt this morning. Turns out, and they both agree with this, that they were mucking about in the queue to go in and DS accidentally hit his mate on the nose with the back of his head. The friend agrees that it probably wasn't DS's fault. DS feels very bad that he hurt his friend and only agreed that it was on purpose this morning because 'Daddy was angry'. We asked him about the allegation that he had hurt his friend for no reason and he said that he hadn't. Now I know that he was BOUND to say he hadn't so I don't know if that's ture, but I suggested to him that it is probably best if he stops play fighting at school as it isn't a good idea. He agreed that it was probably best as he sometimes gets hurt too. He has lots of female friends so he thinks he might play with them for a while. We had a long chat about fighting and how sometimes it can go too far and people can get hurt, but how much went in I don't know. We will conintue to monitor his behaviour and raise the issue at his parent's evening next week.

So good to read this thread as my DS is in his second term at school in a class of mainly boys and the teacher is having a terrible time with them all either fighting or rolling around on the floor on top of each other. Seems the testosterone is getting the better of them. If has now come to a head though as a number of them are getting hurt. My DS came home with a severe pinch mark on his arm a week ago and it is still there now! Other mothers are concerned too. I note that other schools have banned play fighting altogether, but not sure that the school will run with that....tough to police....but will talk to them about it. At home DH always advises DS to hit back if he is hit, whereas I advise DS to tell the teacher but not to hit back. DH says he thinks we must teach DS to defend himself and not get pushed around.
Is this just normal stuff I ask myself and just part of life learning?