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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Someone please advise me on this sibling rivalry (long rant sorry)

22 replies

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:09

I have 2 dd's aged nearly 6 and 8. They have always had an argumentative relationship but they play together when it suits the older one.

Basically dd1 is in control of when the play, what they play etc and thinks nothing of suddenly ending a game by screaching 'thats it get out of my room'. We have tried to tell dd2 not to go in and play as this will happen in the end but she loves being invited in to her sisters room so much that she keeps going in and then keeps getting upset.

Anyway, lately dd1 has had several play dates (including one today). When the friend arrives, or we meet them out somewhere dd1 instructs the friend 'not to play with or talk to her sister as you are my friend and you are not to play with dd2'.

I had dd1 and 2 of her friends after school today and we went to the park with dd2. Whilst there the other girls wanted to include dd2 in the games and dd1 threw a complete mental because they are her friends and her sister is trying to steal them etc eetc etc. This was not the case dd2 was quite happy playing with another little girl at the park and dd1's friends invited her to play with them

What do I do???? Be as blunt as you want to.

I should add that I have always tried to give them individual attention and activities but dd1 seems to be taking this to the extreme and does not want dd2 involved in anything.

What do I do????

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Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:12

Sorry just bumping myself.

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Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:14

Realy need advise here.

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Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:22

Okay wiill try posting later when its a bit busier

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LilianGish · 24/02/2009 17:23

Invite friends over for dd2? Probably wouldn't force them to play together (not sure how you can actually) as this might only reinforce dd1s resentment. Your children are almost the same age as mine, but I have one of each. You say you have always tried to give individual attention and activities, I have actually always done the opposite - tried to get them doing the same things (for my convenience as much as anything) and in fact they get on really well. Not sure if any of that is useful - at least it gives you a bump!

Hassled · 24/02/2009 17:26

Well you said you wanted blunt - I think you need a long hard talk with DD1. At 8 she is well old enough to know better and to understand the consequences of her behaviour - i.e that DD2 feels very upset.

Tell her that she is not allowed to behave that way, that you understand there are times she doesn't want to include DD2 but she cannot be mean or unfair about it. Point out that she will have her sister for the rest of her life and it would be nice if they could be friends. If she carries on like this DD2 will never want to play with her.

And then follow it up - whatever sanctions/punishments you use, use them when she behaves like that. She's being a brat.

NormaLeighLucid · 24/02/2009 17:28

Mine are a little more aged apart from yours but have always encouraged joint play dont give either of them that much individual time unless the oportunity arises.

My mum used to go beserk if me and any of my siblings displayed this kind of behaviour and she would never tolerate any kind of sibling jealousy there were 5 of us and we never had the chance to have individual time. As a result we are now all grown up and still there is no sibling rivalry or jealousy and we are very close.

Encourage playing together led by you, all of you enjoy something together and tell her this behaviour wont be tolerated or no more play dates until she does.

Have you exlained that she doesnt need to be jealous of her friends playing with her friends or how it might make her sister feel?

Runoutofideas · 24/02/2009 17:32

I agree with Hassled in as much as the 8 year old needs to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable, however I think she should be allowed to play with her own friends without her little sister being involved. Maybe having a friend for her at the same time might help?

Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:33

Have tried talking to her and telling her she is being a brat. I feel that I have made a rod for my own back here because whenever dd1 had a friend over I would organise other activities for dd2 to keep her out of the way. DD2 is a very demanding child and is very cute so people think she is lovely and want to talk to her and she tends to monopolise peoples time (god this sounds like my children are horrible they are lovely kids honest). This I always thought was a good thing for dd1 as it gave her time just with her friends. But now it has all backfired and I dont know how to fix it.

I have said that there will be no play dates if she continues to behave like this and if she is mean to her sister at home then things will be taken off her. I have said that I dont expect her to play with her sister all the time but she can tell her in a nice way and doesnt need to just yell at her etc.

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abbierhodes · 24/02/2009 17:33

I wouldn't allow her to have friends over if she behaved like this. And the minute she screamed at her sister to get out of her room, I'd bring her out of her room as well. Either both have fun or no one does. She is easily old enough to understand that you have to be nice to people.

I agree with not forcing them to play together, but she can't be mean about it. If she invites someone into her room, they stay until they want to leave...I'm sure she's never seen you scream at a guest!!!
If she doesn't want to play with her sister, she must tell her in a nice way, "I'm going to my room for a while, I'll play with you later."

Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:36

This is what we are trying to get her to do. We are trying (and failing at the moment) to make speak to her sister in a nicer way.

I have to admit (and I will be shot here) but I often yell at her sister because she is a pester power child and she wants everything done 5 minutes ago. I often have to yell her name to get her to stop demanding long enough to hear my answer. Maybe this is where dd1 has got it from. Hhhhmmmm, goes off anf hides in the corner for being a terrible parent.

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Original poster

singyswife · 24/02/2009 17:47

Thanks all, will dish out some serious talk and offer punishements which I MUST stick to.

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Hassled · 24/02/2009 21:03

It doesn't sound like you're a terrible parent at all - apologies if I was too blunt and made you feel like that. It wasn't what I meant . It's a tough situation - being fair to each child is so hard sometimes.

screamingabdab · 25/02/2009 18:57

singyswife, are you me?!!

Very similar story with my DSs. Very similar personalities to your DDs

screamingabdab · 25/02/2009 18:57

Oh, and very similar reactions from me!

Original poster

singyswife · 26/02/2009 12:54

No screamingabdab I am not you but maybe wwe could get together and discuss how to handle this? Lol. Or we could just leave them all to fight and drink lots of tea.

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Dingbatgirl · 26/02/2009 13:03

This may be helpful, but there is a book that helped me enormously called How to Talk so Children Listen and how to Listen so Children Talk. The same authors have written a book called Siblings Without Rivalty. Maybe worth a try?

Original poster

singyswife · 26/02/2009 13:09

Thank you I will have a look maybe in the library for it. Thanks

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Shylily · 26/02/2009 13:34

I just read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' and found it really helpful. I've also read 'How to Talk ...' and would suggest that it's worth reading both. Neiher book advocates punishment and offers other suggestions to try instead. My 2 are much younger (2years3months and 7 months) but so far I've had far better results with the techniques in these books than traditional things like rewards and punishment. Worth a go anyway. Good luck!

spots · 26/02/2009 13:42

Please don't punish your DD. You can't stop her feeling insecure about her little sister by punishing her and it will just drive her resentment underground.She is behaving like this partly because she is scared that her friends will prefer her little, cute, savvy sister to herself. Help her by talking about how much her friends enjoy being with her, endorse her feelings of comfort within the friendship group, let her feel that allowing her sister in is something she CAN afford to do. And read that book, absolutely!

MorocconOil · 26/02/2009 13:51

I'd tell DD1 she won't be having any more friends to play until she is kinder to her sister.
My friend has a similiar dynamic going on with her DS and DD. Whenever her DS is being horrible to DD, she showers her with positive attention, and ignores her DS. She swears by this method.
I have tried it with my own two DSs and have found it really tiring. Usually I try praising DS1 when he is being kind to DS2, when he's horrible state clearly that I don't find the behaviour acceptable, and try to get him to put himself in his brother's shoes.
It works a bit, but I kind of think sibling rivalry is inevitable for some personalities, and you just have to get on with it. I am quite confident they'll be good friends as adults when they've grown tired of competing

choccyp1g · 26/02/2009 13:56

I think you need a long hard word with the LITTLE sister. You say yourself how "in your face" she can be. At 6, she has to start to understand that Big Sis needs a bit of peace sometimes. (Can you tell I have a little sister exactly 2 years younger than me?)

Original poster

singyswife · 26/02/2009 14:54

Thanks guys, all these suggestions are very helpful.

I will have a word with the little sister but in fairness on the day I posted she was quite happy playing by herself and it was the friends who invited her to play, she didnt push herself on the group.

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