How to stop the older child 'controlling' the younger one?

[2pt4kids]

I've got 2 boys aged 3.4yrs and just turned 1yr.
They get along very well. I was amazed at how well DS1 took to the baby when he was born. They can play lovely together and can really make each other laugh.

BUT Ds1 is driving me crazy with the way he tries to 'control' DS2 and I just cant seem to get him to stop!
He never hurts DS2, but he often tells him what to do or stops him from doing things which makes DS2 cry.

A few examples..
DS1 wants to play ball with DS2, but DS2 gets distracted (as babies do!) and starts crawling off. DS1 will put his leg up in front of DS2 and not let him out the room, until DS2 screams and I step in.

DS2 wants to play with a different toy to one which he has been playing with DS1, so DS1 takes it away and says 'NO, we are playing with x' and DS2 screams.

DS2 is happily pottering about playing by himslef, DS1 just follows him about insisting that they play together until DS2 gets fed up and screams.

Sometimes DS2 just wants to play by himslef and unless DS1 is watching tv, he just cant seem to let him. He always wants to join in and ends up trying to direct what they do.

I though babies were supposed to interrupt the older childs play and cause mayhem when they started crawling, but mine is fine on his own, rarely interrupts DS1. Its DS1 that just cant leave the baby alone!!!

I just dont know what to do. Its not as if he is hurting DS2 and his intentions are not bad, in that he just wants to play with DS2. It just drives Ds2 (and me!) crazy!!!

I've tried telling him gently, telling him firmly. I've tried sitting him on the naughty step every time he blocks DS2's way or takes a toy from him. I've even lost it a couple of times and ended up shouting 'Just leave him alone!' but nothing is working.
It happens about half the time. The other half Ds2 goes along with the game that Ds1 wants (or appears to) and both play really happily and enjoy themselves.
At the moment, they are both charging round the living room batting balloons to each other and giggling, which is lovely. I dont want to spoil the fun they do have at these times in the process of trying to stop the controlling behaviour iyswim.

Is this normal? What can I do to improve things?

MY 2 do this too, although they are a little older now (3.10 and 23 months).

My strategy is to try to interfere only when things have gone far enough, and keep talking about it with ds1 in quieter moments. I also praise them for working well together, so ds1 knows what to aim for. (e.g. 'I really like the way you are playing together right now/ I really like the way you are letting ds2 get on with his toys while you play with your lego. well done')

It is one of the less appealing aspects of being an older child, imo. But you say that they get along great most of the time, so that is something to be grateful for! Ds1 batted ds2 on the head for about 6 months, but adores him now.

Thanks.

I've tried the quiet word with Ds1 but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Good idea about praising him when he lets Ds2 play on his own. I will try that.

What do you do when you step in? Do you punish? or just tell DS1 to stop and seperate them?

stop and seperate-- try not to punish unless there has been an injury or I have simply had enough of their bickering (not very consistent but I usually give a warning first, 'if you can't share then I am going to give you a time out because I am not going to listen to your brother scream because you keep taking his toys for another minute!!')

have you ever read, how to talk? very useful, and they have written one on one about siblings too.

HTH

The book about siblings talks about the importance of not interfering too often, otherwise they will never develop their own way of sorting things out with each other as adults: seems to be the case in dh's family, where 3 of 4 siblings can't stand each other.

And that sibs book also makes the good point that children notice and remember what feels like unfair adult intervention more than sibling argybargy. The focus can be shifted onto a kind of competition for love and approval, not good for either of them.
Agree with oregon, try to intervene only when it's really necessary. Ds2 will learn how to protest and make his own case for what he wants (little children are good at that) but maybe less so if he expects you to sort it out every time. And try to model 'not controlling'
for ds1!

Sounds like DS1 is frustrated with his baby brother and who could blame him!

He's been waiting patiently for a year to play with him and now when DS2 is on the move and looks as if he might become a playmate, it's still not happening...

Maybe just sympathising with DS1 about his disappointment and explaining how it won't be much longer before DS2 will be able to join in would help?

I would distract the eldest.

How about 'DS 2 wants to play alone right now but I can see you want to play with someone. Can you show me how to play the game?' or 'Shall we go and do xxxx together'?

Then hopefully your DS2 will learn from your example and say 'I want to play alone right now' rather than 'Leave me alone, get out of my room' when he is older.

My two are just like this - DD 3.5 and DS 18 months. She just doesn't get it that he can't sustain play the way she can - which is especially hard for her now he'll "obey" some basic commands during play, like pretend to go to sleep in the play bed she makes up, or go and fetch a ball she throws for him (good doggy!) - but to her that's just the starting point - for him, it's the whole point and now he's on to something else!

To be fair, he also does interrupt a lot of her games too - like tramping through her tea parties like King Kong. I try to just explain to DD that DS doesn't quite understand how to play like she does, but that he's getting better (he is, visibly). But when she pushes at him I intervene. Firmly if she's doing it in a cross way. Most of the time though, she's just battering him about, pulling him over because she's trying to hug him or drag him somewhere. I just tell her he's still a bit like a weeble and not as well balanced as us.

DS gets his revenge every morning though when we go in to wake her up and he climbs in her bed and all over her - gives her big snotty hugs and sits on her head

My controlling child is No. 3 out of 4: honestly, he spends his day bellowing orders at the others and throwing huge strops if they don't do as told.

No solutions, just commiserations. It's partly an age thing, DC3 is 4yo.

Thank you all.
It actually helps to just know its normal and there are others out there experiencing the same thing!

I have read the 'how to talk' book (well bits of) a while ago, so will dig that out again and see what it says. Have also just ordered that sibling book too. It looks very good, thanks for recommending.

Othersideofthechannel - I like your distraction idea. It sounds so simple, but I havent actually done that. Sounds like it would work well.

hmmm sounds like my 5 yr old dd.
She bosses ds 2yr about. She complains when he annoys her or they fight but then a second later she asks him to go and play with her. my favorite one is when she tells him shes going for a poo and does he want to come with her and go too, where he dutifully follows her and sits on his potty!!

I guess to them they want to play with the younger one and dont realise that sometimes they want to play on their own. If I can see that DD is annoying DS I may say to her to leave him alone as he wants to play with xyz and suggest something for her to do on her own ie colouring.

Theres a reason why they say first borns are head strong and assertive. Its all the practice they had on their younger siblings