dd, 5, says nobody in school will play with her

[hazlinh]

what do i do if dd, 5, says nobody in school will play with her? i think it probably stems from the fact that she looks different? she was born with a large mole on her forehead, and she has to wear glasses. other than school, she is an extremely independent, confident and bright girl. shd i speak to the principal?

Poor little sausage. Can you talk to her class teacher about it? Some schools have a buddy system where older kids buddy up with younger ones, I'm guessing that your dd's school doesn't have that and it can be a great idea - good for older kids to have some responsibility and nice for the little ones to have a friend.

My dd hasn't made any friends yet either. She has a buddy system at her school which she seems to love. All of the other little girls seemed to pal up with each other after the first two days. It is sad but I am forcing myself not to panic yet as it is very early days. My dd has come home from school with a fabulous fake Australian accent as she is trying to fit in with the other children. I have asked one of the other children to come round to our house on Friday after school as an attempt to help her! I asked the teacher who she was playing with and went from there.

hazlinh - speak to the teacher and ask for some feedback on her social interactions during the day. Explain your view of her social skills and see if the teacher sees that at school.

You say she is bright and confident and extremely independent? You might find that "no-one will play with me" actually means "no-one will play my games"?

It's a hugely difficult task for the very shy children to find friends but equally it can be a shock for the confident children to find that not everyone wants to do things their way.

Just as shy children have to learn how to join a group (it's agony for many) equally there is a skill for confident children to learn - how to approach a group of children playing and join in without making the mistake of taking over and watching the group move away from their confident intructions!

Hi Hazliinh.

Yes, speak to the teacher so they can either reassure you or keep an eye on the situation.

I recently had this with my ds, but it turned out that he isn't playing with anyone particular, he is playing with every child in the class and is a social butterfly.

Your dd sounds like she is a lovely little girl with bags of confidence and self awareness. This sounds to me more like a child who is well-liked and playing with everyone rather than a child who is being ignored by her peers.

Let us know what school say.

I would speak to the teacher. Also try inviting children home to play on a one to one basis.

my dd, 4.5, came home from school saying she had no one to play with so invited friends round on one to one basis, but having spoken to teacher, teacher says that lots of children of this age play along side or have no particular attachments and that she is perfectly happy so perhaps is same for your little girl? I would be surprised if any of children thought negatively of glasses or mole. I teach Reception and have found little kids to be blithely unaware of physical appearences. Once I took a photo of myself into school as a child and asked who it was and one child suggested it was another teacher who happens to be a different colour to me.

Good post gagarin. Very often children will say that no-one will play with them, when they actually mean that no one will play the games that they have chosen.

ah thanks for all the good advice...will definitely speak to the teacher and try to figure this one out.

the buddy system sounds interesting. i suspect the school doesn't practice this system, cos it's a rather small school, with not that many children.

inviting children home to play was also an option i was considering, but she doesn't seem to have any particularly good friends that she wants to invite back. she did have two girls that she seemed to mention a lot, but she says they've moved to other schools? sigh.

isittooearly, i thought children this age wouldn't care about physical appearances either, but it seems nowadays they're very 'advanced'. apparently one of the kids said they didn't want to play with her because she was "dark". i don't know if this is true but it doesn't make sense for her to have made it up.

gagarin, sounds plausible! heh. dd can be erm a bit bossy when it comes to playing with her younger niece and nephew...hmmmm

will report back after having discussed with the teacher...

Because she was "dark"?! Now that's another thing all together. Unless of course they mean dark hair and she is from the same racial/ethnic background as the other dcs?

At this age I believe that dcs do see differences between people - but rarely mention them.

If the scenario was/is that your daughter's endearing bumptiousness put the other dc in a mood and she made tha comment about "being dark" in the same spirit as "you wear glasses" or "you have a horrid yellow jumper on" then I would be forgiving - sometimes dcs that age are just being clumsily observational.

But sometimes not (parental influences...).

See the teacher and widen the discussion to cover this topic if you feel you need to.

oops i mean MY younger niece and nephew.

not sure, i'll have to investigate the "dark" issue...or maybe just ignore it, and hope it's just a one-off or a phase...

the good news is that the teacher has split up the class into small groups, kind of like a buddy system but with more than 2 kids in a group, to encourage friendship and bonding, i suppose. she did say that dd seemed happy enough at school and didn't seem to have any problems. anyway, we'll see how the new system works out!