my dd (3.5)often hit/pushed/hair pulled by friend's ds(3.2) - what to do?

[Annabel1]

My lovely gentle friend has son couple of months younger. dd Loves playing with him, but when issue of sharing comes up, even when on "neutral" ground like park he will hit, push or pull hair. Sometimes just hits for no apparent reason. Friend has different approach to me - I favour for actual physical harm a firm "we don't hurt people" followed by a consequence for repeat behaviour. SHe discusses it and often there is no consequence othere than brief removal from situation (sometimes). Has got to the point where yesterday the only consequence was her explaining to my dd why her ds had hit her (didn't want to share, even though dd had startted playing in that particular patch first) and I responded by taking dd away from that area to avoid further physical harm. I really am trying to understand the situation, and know that might be ds hits when can't communicate feelings in words, but increasingly I feel dd who is usually gentle is being disadvantaged when she has not hurt anyone and the other child is getting the message that hitting etc works. How can we stay friends? It upsets me when dd hurt but I love being with friend and dd keen to play with her ds.

I was in this situation, and got so frustrated that I just started telling friend's ds off myself. She would let me, but tbh I do think it set up some tension between us. She clearly thought my dd was just a big wuss, and I got increasingly angry with her little boy - not really fair on either of the children, both of whom were behaving well within the normal continuum.

I did consider stopping seeing them, but she was my only mummy friend in the area and I would have been lonely without her company. I told myself that it was good for dd to learn how to deal with it but - rather undermining that argument - kept leaping in to save her.

In time it resolved, in that the children are now at the same nursery (where they DON'T play together) so friend and I can get together for coffee without involving the children. I do kind of regret how I handled it, though. dd has become a bit too fond of pushing and shoving herself, and expresses a lot of aggression in her play, and I do wonder if I sacrificed her a bit for my social needs.

Sorry, you didn't get much in the way of useful advice from that, did you?

very helpful - just to know someone else has had it too!

I told my DD that if I ever heard of her not giving as good as she got she would be in trouble from me. I don't think she ever implemented it but it is a position I would have defended to the last tooth.

I would find it hard not to tell off the other kid. I wouldn't see my kid hurt by another and not tell off or remove the other kid from her/him.. I think you should stand up for your daughter, why should she be brutalised by this boy?

Thanks - was brave the other day and had a really good chat with friend about the situation. Also - realised I can do nothing about how this parent chooses to deal with her child but I can talk to my dd, listen to whenter she still wants to play with x, which she does, and let her know that I don't think she is being fairly treated and we can exit the situation if she wants. Also (mixed feelings on this too but I don't know her child so well as she does) she thinks x isn't readly to understand saying sorry, but she has started to apologise to dd on his behalf. That seems to help - dd often says that's not fair when x hits and someone needs to acknoledge this cos it isn't. I think lots of children go through the hitting/pushing stage - dd did, short lived fortunately in our case so I'm not worried by the hitting itself or suggesting he's not a nice little boy- rather how it affects how safe dd feels and whether she still trusts me to look after her. And when dd pushed him back the other day, I really felt inclined to let them get on with it for both their sakes so I did - thanks Fallinfstandards for making that feel okay - I don't want dd to be the nice pushover (she is not angelic but I think quite kind - who knows how rose tinted my glasses are though!)
Too much - thanks for messages they really help

Also, have you tried giving your DD strategies for handling the situation herself. DS was a bit of a walk over... he's only 2.8 so younger than these children so this strategy should work. I have spent a lot of time teaching DS how to say "no, stop, I don't like it. It's not nice to push/hit/kick" and putting his hand up in a stop-like way. I've seen him do it in action and it often works, stops the other children in their tracks, but hopefully gives DS the skills to get through when other kids are mean. Sometimes he still comes running to me, but frequently I will send him back saying "you tell him to stop, tell him hitting is not nice" - if it continues of course I go an intervene. Also makes it clear to the other child and parent that you aren't happy about it.

And I think it's tosh that he's not old enough to understand it's wrong and being sorry...

Ooh thanks - makes me realise that she does handle it often! Saw her put her hand up (which I had interpreted as pushing but thinking about it she only pushed him cos he kept on coming!) and shout loudly that's not fair the other day. Perhaps she is actively learning something from this as long as I help her. Thanks!

I have a very similar situation to you- almost exact to be honest and it makes me so sad, as I am really starting to "dislike" her ds which is both wrong and sad as he is only 3 ffs but I cant help it.

It does not help that I am 38 weeks pregnant and hormones dont help.

It has got better recently, and I try to supervise them when they are together as much as I can and try to prevent any violence before it starts iyswim?
I also have no qualms about telling her ds off.
She does recognise that he is not being ver well behaved, but imVho she is not strct enough- however, we have discussed his behaviour and she like me to help her discipline/control him when he is doing nasty thing.

They are both due to start nursery together after easter, and I think that the nursery school will NOT tolerate this behaviour, well I hope not anyway

the really sad thing is that dd starts to tell me she does not like her ds and he is "naughty" which of course I tell her is not true and not to say things like that- but she has picked up on the fact that he hurts her and she does not like it.

thanks! dd also says he is "naughty" and not her friend but bizarrely still always says she wants to play with him. I know what you mean about disliking the child - hard not to, even though the rational part of you knows they're only three and learning how to treat people, when you think about what we base liking or disliking people on is really how they treat us.
Nursery won't tolerate it, will probably take a firm, gentle approach but there's no way they'll actively tolerate physical harm.

just bumping in case anyone else has words of wisdom!