Arghhhhhh......I want to let them resolve their own conflicts, but I hate they way they speak (shout) at each other

[claricebean]

I have 4 DC, aged 8, 6, 4 and nearly 2. In general they are pretty good kids. The most volatile relationship for a while has been between the second and third (DD2 and DS). But now DD1 seems to be entering the tweenie stage and her changing priorities in life seem to be driving a bit of a wedge between her and DD2.

So it seems that not only the arguments are escalating, but the tone of voice / shouting / generally bitchiness in the older threes' attitude to each other is deteriorating. My instinct (and everything I've read) tells me to back off and let them resolve their own issues, only stepping in if they really need adult help to finding a solution or are in danger of physically harming each other. BUT, I hate the way they shout at talk to each other. If I ask them to talk in a civil tone, I end up getting embroiled in the arguments. Is this just an inevitable part of growing up, or can you instill decent behaviour between siblings? Should I insist (and consequently have to police) civil arguments, or allow them to belittle / threaten / demean each other?

all part of growing up, I think. I totally agree about letting them sort it out themselves, excellent skills to have. But if you can't be nasty and horrible to your siblings when can you let it all out? I wonder if it is healthy in an unhealthy sort of way to experience this sort of behaviour in the comfort of your own home? Does that make any sense? You can always tell them afterwards, in a rational way that you didn't like the way they spoke to each other, sort of shame them. Or you could always record them and show it back to them!

Yes, I think you are probably right, purepurple. I remember being pretty mean to my younger brother and sister when we were young. I think it's just that it's a new thing for them and seems to have nose dived so quickly. But I will not be able to mumsnet keep my sanity if I am having to run in and sort things out for them all the time. I like the idea of talking to them after the event though.

But on occasions make sure you wade in!

You then become the common enemy and bring the siblings together in a very effective manner.

Sometimes I can't help myself, gagarin, so am used to being common enemy number one. It just depresses me to hear their attitudes at times. I think for a while there were moments of anger followed by longer periods of bonding / solidarity. Now, it seems like the nastiness is the most prevalent. I just don't want to miss an opportunity to up the getting-on behaviour too.

4 is good so they can pair off in different ways as they grow up though imo (don't have another!). It's normal for siblings to be vile to each other isn't it? I remember despising one of my brothers for years.

Yes, sadly I think it is normal. I had got used to the physical fighting (DD2 and DS) but now that DD1 has pitched in to the fray too, it's just a bit grim. Sigh. You are right about the pairing off. That was always a big plus for me about having 4, and it does work pretty well. Perhaps I will look back at this and think it's nothing as DD3 is becoming more verbal and has always been able to defend herself physically, so god help us when she joins in!

growing up as the oldest of 4 I remember being really mean to my younger brother, until he got bigger than me! He did stab me in the arm with a fork once, but I probably did deserve it! we get on great now though!