Is it normal for a 3 y.o. boy to be this angry and agressive?

[MabelMay]

Am hoping for reassurance more than anything...

I have two boys, 3yo and 12mo. My ds1 seemed to cope okay with the arrival of ds2, but over the past 2 or 3 months his behaviour has got steadily worse and worse and he has become less and less secure.

Basically, he just seems so angry so much of the time (there are plenty of times when he is happy and calm too so it's not constant). He is very, very agressive towards his little brother - hitting him, stamping on him, biting him, - he says he doesn't like ds2. Any time we have to reprimand him for any reason he takes it out on ds2 or he hits or bites me instead. Sometimes I genuinely worry that it's abnormal behaviour, not just a toddler throwing a tantrum. It's the anger that gets me. Does this sound remotely similar to other's with 3 yo boys? Esp to those with younger sibling/brother...?

He is also insecure about other things. He goes to nursery 3 mornings a week but always makes a real fuss about it and screams and runs away and says he doesn't want to go (this is after 5 months of being there. I've talked to the nursery they say he seems perfectly happy there). He hates it whenever I'm not around (I work 2 days a week). His sleeping has become terrible. He wakes constantly and comes running into our room.

But most worrying of all is this new aggression. He just seems so cross so much of the time. I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong. Should I ignore his aggressive episodes or punish him for them? I can't possibly ignore it when he is sticking his teeth into his brother's cheek...

any reassurance/advice/thoughts??

Poor you. Bumping for you. Sure someone will be along soon.

Sorry, you don't want to hear this. I have what I consider to be a quite volatile short-fused boys, and neither of them would have been as short-tempered as you describe at that age.

A lot going on there, like the bad sleep would contribute to grumpiness. And I'd be all over my DS like a plague of locusts if he tried to
treat the baby like that (actually, DSs have both been quite tolerant of the baby).

I would say you don't ignore or aim to punish, you try to pre-empt. Maybe he just has to stay close to you as much as possible? Look at every situation as potential flashpoint and be prepared to act to prevent violence. Alas, I know how difficult that can be.

How do you cope when he bites etc..?
I wouldn't ignore it - i think at 3 they do need to learn that its not acceptable.

When he bites of course I pull him away from ds2 and tell him it is unacceptable behaviour etc ask him to say sorry to ds2 and warn him if he does it again I'll put him on the stairs for time out, or put him in his bedroom.
Sometimes, though, when I tell him off - he seems pleased. As if the attention is exactly what he was after. He occasionally smiles...

okay, now i'm making him sound like Kevin (aka we need to talk about etc etc)

Just to balance it out. He doesn't hit other children at nursery, or in the playground, nor does he bite them - in fact he is not aggressive with other children at all as far as I have seen. He has occasionally been at the receiving end. He is definitely saving all this behaviour for me, my dp and my ds2.

MM.

bumping in desperation

Hi Mabel

I also have 2 sons - ds1 is 3.3 and ds2 12mo so quite similar in age to yours.

My ds1 most definitely jealous of ds2, and this is getting worse now ds2 is older and more openly 'competing' with him for attention, toys etc etc This jealousy manifests itself as messing about, whining, tantrums, shrieking 'NO' at ds2 if he so much as approaches a toy and general fuss-making. Luckily he is by nature non-aggressive physically (ironically unlike ds2 who is a little thug, tho not a malicious one obviously).

I don't think you should ignore the hitting/biting - I wouldn't even give a warning tbh - straight into timeout plus lots of fuss to the little one. Twice in a day would be a really big sanction (no TV etc) but I agree that premption is everything.

Other than that the things I do to try and minimize jealousy are as follows:

• baby ds1 when he wants it, lots and lots of cuddles and verbal reassurance. Not very much emphasis on 'being a big boy' esp. when tied to demands for better behavior but lots of emphasis on things he can have that ds2 can't "you can play with this toy/eat these sweets but make sure ds2 doesn't have any because he is too little" (he loves being praised for not sharing )

-Let ds1 tell me he hates his brother and sympathise (even though it cuts me to the quick). Am trying to give him words - annoying, frustrating, jealous - to express how he feels.

-equal praise - to a ridiculous level. So I praised both boys for building towers of bricks today - ds2 cause its the first time he's built one and ds1 even though he's been doing it for years.

• point out often that ds2 is watching, smiling, admiring etc what ds1 is doing (often true). Commentate on ds2's behalf 'he thinks you are so clever' 'he wishes he could do that too'

• I try and find things that we can all do together, where ds2 can't interfere with ds1 (a problem when playing with toys as ds2 always wants the same as his brother). Today washing the car was good. Lots of emphasis on what great, helpful boys I had, what a lucky mummy I was to have 2 such wonderful boys etc Lay it on with a trowel

-Encourage ds1 to cheer ds2 up and make him laugh (he always can but usually by making rude noises or putting a pair of pants on his head or other such behaviour). Keep reminding myself that any positive interaction is good.

• Keep reminding ds1 that ds2 won't be a baby forever. Agree that babies can be annoying but its not their fault cause they don't understand (useful if ds2 has pulled his hair, grabbed a toy etc) I show ds1 his baby photos often and remind hijm that he used to be a baby too.

• Any spontaneous positive interaction b/w the 2 of them gets praised to high heaven naturally, even if it is just ds1 letting ds2 play with one of his numerous cars.

Phew, what an essay! Hope some of it helps but anyway you are not alone.

It sounds very much like attention seeking now his little brother is more mobile/ maybe demanding/ more competition.

I definitely think you should be doing more than a warning for the biting. There needs to be a sanction that really gets to him. So if it's attention he wants, he needs to be told he's going to get less attention with biting e.g. by putting him in his room for time out.

I'd also get a star chart for him. Not for his little brother, just him. Make half the categories pretty easy for him to get so that he feels good about himself but then the others should be the things you really want to change e.g. no biting, asking nicely rather than whining etc.

For x number of stars he could have a tiny reward (ds gets a single smartie if he gets all of his).

At the same time, as others have said, lay on the praise with a spade, never mind a trowel when he does do something good.

I think that's a brilliant post from wb - such very good advice IMO

The only thing I wanted to add was that the aggression he displays DOES sound very normal to me. My ds had very aggressive outbursts at age 3 and 4 but they have completely disappeared now (he's 6). I'm sure I've read on here about surges of testosterone coming at this age.

also many children this age don't like nursery (or rather, don't like the seperation from mum!) and can show lots of anxieties etc. All very normal. The world is a scary place and they are finding their place.

He sounds very normal to me.

Do agree that he needs very firm and clear boundaries btw, with regard to any hitting or biting.

In the Guardian today there's an article about a woman who had triplets. She blithely mentions that she occasionally hears one of them squawking, and runs in to find her 3yo son sitting on the poor baby.

Small boys are quite physical in how they interact with most people.

Do you manage much one-to-one with him? Some quality time, to get him onside, can do wonders in other areas.