I envy people who say they love being a mother. I love my boys, but find being a mother the most stressful thing ever.

[Notanaturalmother]

They are 9 & nearly 6, I am a single mum & find it really hard coping at times. I see other lone parents on here hating it when their children go to their dad's but I don't feel that at all - I enjoy the break.

DS1 is being assessed for special needs but doesn't have a dx yet. He can be impossible to deal with.
Today I have a friend's DS round who & he at first wouldn't interact with him at all, but played on his ds (which he is obsessed with) so I asked him to come off it while he had a friend round. He was very rude & wouldn't do as I asked so I told him he would lose it for the rest of the day if he couldn't do as he was asked. He continued to back chat & ignore, so I took the game from him.
He later went out on his scooter up the road with his friend. I asked them not to cross any roads or go up any alleys. His friend was sensible, but DS argued that he was going up the alley & that was that. In the end I got him to come in & he bashed his metal scooter roughly against my walls as he did so. I told him to be careful of the walls & he swung the scooter so it bashed the walls again.
DS2 has been on the step twice for hitting his brother & throwing a toy & then refusing to pick it up. It is just one thing after another & I feel stressed out. It is hard more often than not & I don't feel I enjoy being a mum at all. I know that is an awful thing to say, which is why I have name changed. I wish I did find it pleasurable, but I just feel stressed. I feel out of my depth at times with my boys & don't know how best to deal with their behaviour.

Any suggestions as to how to make it easier?

I'm sorry no suggestions as my DS is much younger, and also no experience of SN so far. Just didn't want to leave this unanswered as MN seems really slow today. I do think how you're feeling is normal though, but you have a lot to cope with, especisally on your own. Does your DS's dad get involved? Do you have any help and support?

gin?

But seriously, it feels hard to me too, and I probably have more help than you do.

Just remember, you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be 'good enough' and that includes occasionally getting it wrong and cutting yourself some slack.

Sorry, obviously can't read today - your DS's do see their dad!
I think it is completely normal to miss them and still enjoy the break. I have it easy - 2 of us and only one small child, and I love being a mum but I do find him hard work and tiring.

cut yourself some slack - that's what I was trying to say. You love your children and are doing the best you can. Take any help and relief you can get.

You know what love, I feel exactly the same most of the time.

I love my DD fiercely but I feel constantly stressed and worn out. She is a delight, and rationally I know that. But I feel most of the time that I am on the very edge of reason. The stress I feel gets to the point where I find it hard to breathe.

We get no support of any kind from her dad which doesn't help. I honestly don't know the answer - I'm looking myself! But I find the most helpful things I can do are...

Lower my standards - so what if she watches TV all afternoon every now and then, or has ice cream for lunch, if it stops me going crazy.

Take every opportunity to get a bit of time to myself - just reading, or going for a pointless walk, or having a nice bottle of wine in the evening.

Get company round - we often have friends and their DC over for the night. Kids play, we drink chat.

And believe you are doing a good job - nobody is perfect and coping alone is very very hard.

I get to the point where I am so stressed I find it hard to breathe too - infact I felt like this earlier today. I have another child round today, which is fine when DS chooses to interact with him, but he was off in a sulk earlier & the friend ends up playing with DS2, who is much younger. I expect some of their behaviour is to wind me up, so attention seeking, and I'm afraid to say it works more often than it should. I just hate school holidays & they are my only break from work.

i think if your ds is being assessed for sn dont expect him to act like another nt child and this will save you alot of stress when he doesn't reach your expectations

my ds is 3.9 and has ASD i learnt not to expect him to act like other children as he wasn't like other children he doesn't understand his being rude he just doesn't know how to interact appropriately

are you having much support regarding the dx at all is there any sn groups near you or check in on the sn forum on here if you havent already its so supportive and can give you alot of help and advise in dealing with him and knowing your not alone

its ok to not feel completely happy all the time but maybe if you get the right support you can understand your ds better and find it less stressful with your expectations of him

also pick your battles if its nothing to major but something that just annoys you ignore it and praise any good behavior no matter how small

When they are like this (which is quite often), I just think "where have I gone so horribly wrong?"

They do see their dad & these breaks are the only thing that keeps me sane half the time. They would never behave for him as they do for me.

if it helps my ds is also is glued to his ds console rather than interacting but thats his way of coping and dealing with things so i leave him and dont expect anything of him as life is more confusing for them and stressful without being expected to interact in a way your not comfortable with or not knowing how to

is he being assessed for ASD as social interaction is as key point and im told never to force my ds to interact as he doesn't know how to and isnt comfortable

maybe you could check out any sn group helld in holidays in your area and talk to others and get support also see if there si=any therapies he can join to help with interaction with others his age

wre tend to stress more at them than we may realise and this can affect there behavior not understanding there behavior can also be upsetting for them

take deep breathes walk away and pick your fights praise and try to do fun things together

on bad days i snap i pick at silly things and have the most awful time as ds doesnt understand qwhy im nagging and this affects his mood i have to pick my battles stiop nagging about everything and try to praise and have more fun

And always remember its nothing you have done but there is always room for improvement so if any help is offered dont take that as a badness on your part by all means you are doing a great job but it helps to have someone on the outside support every now and then

I'm not getting any extra support, bubbla. As I don't yet quite know exactly what his problems are, I find it difficult to understand him. I look at other 9 year olds & they appear so much more sensible & grown up. My friend came round earlier & said how easy her 9 year old DS is & how he is good company & I felt such envy because I just can't say the same. I love my boys, of course I do, but I find motherhood one big struggle.

He has been assessed for AS but we didn't get a clear answer as he ticked some boxes but not others. I am fairly sure he does have something like that though. He has always struggled to interact properly & does the whole hand flapping when excited etc. He is having some intense ASD test done soon.

can you contact the health professionals involved with the dx and ask for support with him

go onto sn forum on here and lots of wonderful people who have helped me out of some very dark places and feel human again with there support

you sound like your doing great so dont worry about that but look into getting some support regarding the behavior the sooner you can understand it the easier it becomes to deal with it not easy in the all will be well but easier to stop expectations that may fire him up etc and you will feel more at ease to have the support and see things from your ds view

my ds is my best friend his hard work every day is a struggle but i learn about him more every day and know what to expect and what not to expect from him and this helps with his frustrations

i have down days he doesnt sleep and i wish he was like other children his age but his not and his my son and i love him regardless so the best i can do for him is get the help for him and myself to make our lives easier

Sometimes he appears a rude unpleasant child. Not sure this is SN related or just the way he is, other times he can be the most gentle loving boy.

are the school involved with getting extra support could this be something you can discuss with them? im not clued up with all that yet as ds doesn't start till sept and just been excepted for a statement but still don't understand it all fully

He just sees a peadiatrition every 6 months atm. He is being observed by the ed pysch at school soon & we will get called for this test at some point. He is too old for a health visitor etc. I don't know where I would turn to get more help.

its all about not understanding how to act appropriately but also can be normal behaviour in chilren

my ds when tired or stressed can be really unpleasant when well rested he is the most loving jokey fun little boy on bad days i barely see him he shuts himself away with his games console but i know to leave him alone as this is what he needs to cope with the day

could you look up any sn groups in your area? post on sn forum on here also im sure ther are others with children your ds age who could help you and alot going through dx also and the rest of us with our every day struggles do post its full of lovely people who will offer you all the support and advise you need all on our own persoanl experiences but more or less all been at same place one time or another its just nice to vent and be understood makes you feel less alone

Thanks, bubbla, I will look on the SN forum. Have posted on there before, but not often as DS doesn't have a dx yet.
Taken boys to the park to get rid of some energy. DS1 wandered off as there were lots of children in the park & his friend had met up with some friends from school & was playing football with them. DS2 then fell off the balance log, so once the friend's dad came to meet him, we came home. Children are calmer for the moment & I am not quite as stressed after some fresh air!

im glad your feeling better your ds doesn't need to have dx to be on there , i was on there before ds had dx lots of others are going through the same stages as you so don't feel alone go on and get some advise and talk to us lot we are a nice bunch

Notanaturalmother - I feel for you.

My DS1 and DS2 are exactly the same age as yours and there are two of us.

Your visit to the park this afternoon provides the key to your problem.

We find that 2 hours of good hard excercise per day makes a world of difference to behaviours. Ours are obsessed by DS as well.

We make them go out and play on bikes, football and any good hard excercise. They come back sorted in their minds.

It really is a mjor difference between boys and girls - boys need masses of excercise.

If you can in some way ensure that happens your life will feel happier. Judo clubs, swimming, football clubs, scouts. I know they cost money but there are often quite cheap local clubs if you look around.