3 y.o. has turned into a nightmare at night - constant waking. What should I do??

[MabelMay]

Our ds1 has just turned 3 and over the past month has steadily got worse and worse at night.

He has previously generally been a good sleeper at night from when he was a baby. But, obviously, in recent months - as his imagination has got more vivid and he has become more obsessed with dinosaurs, monsters and pirates etc, he has developed more of a fear of the dark. So we have a nightlight, leave the door open with the hall light on outside, have his soft toys cuddled up next to him etc.

Recently, his wakings have got so bad that he will wake pretty much every half hour, if not more often; he shouts/screams for us - then asks for water, or for another cuddly toy for his bed, or to come into bed with us. Sometimes he seems half delirious and often his behaviour is terrible - throwing things; kicking me, screaming at me if I tell him he can't come into our bed, etc etc.

This is now really affecting his behaviour in the day. Sometimes he just seems so angry, so aggressive that I really worry about him.

I really don't know what we can do to stop him waking all the time. Last night we were so desperate (we are at each's others throats, dp and I, because we are just both so worn out and sleep deprived) that we gave him a large dose of antihistemine to get him to sleep. It worked. But sedation is obviously not a happy solution.

Can anyone help???

ps don't know if it's relevant but he has a little brother, ds2 who is just 12 months - his anger is more often than not directed towards him, or me.

Poor you and poor him. Is there space in his room for you to put a temporary bed on the floor. If you're in his room he'll soon become calmer as you're there the minute he wakes, and as he becomes calmer he'll wake less. Once he's not waking you can get back to your own lovely bed. You and DH could take turns, so at least one of you gets a sleep every night. We solved it this way and it does work. DS calmed quite quickly once he'd appreciated we were so close.

Does he have a toddler bed? Is it an option to put this toddler bed in your room with you so that he is no longer afraid. I have a DS (2.11) and a DD (11m). Both are terrible sleepers and therefore in with us. I make sure DS never naps in the day and if he is in with us, he will sleep properly for around 10 hours.

Do you have your DS2 in with you or was he in with you recently? Might this have upset DS1?

Thanks for those suggestions.
Honestly though I'm trying to find a solution that doesn't involve sharing a room, be it his or ours. I worry that reversing that sleeping arrangement will be even harder than sorting this out.
Also, our bedroom doubles as a kind of office which I have to occasionally do work in after kid's bedtime so having him in with us would not be great. Going into his room is another thing, I may consider it although really what I want to try and do is figure out what's really bothering him and trying to fix that. If he's scared, is there another solution. Have any of you found something that worked that didn't involve bed or room sharing?
I think he's feeling v insecure at the moment, but I'm not sure why...

Sorry MabelM, I haven't got any other answers. Sharing a room was all that worked for us. I never worked out why it was happening, just somehow needed to stop it and being there was the only way we could think of. Hope you find a fix soon. Trouble is, the more tired he gets, the harder it is to find one.

thanks smee. was your ds a similar age when this happened to him?

A bit younger I think, but yes. It's all about growing up and being a bit more aware of things we thought. DS was so genuinely scared, we just decided we had to be there for him until he got the hang of it all. He's four now and sleeps fine and we don't still sleep in his room. Haven't for over a year.

smee again - how long did it take of you sleeping in his room

Well probably the bed was on the floor for 9 months, but we didn't actually sleep there all of that time, he just needed it to be there for security. To start off with it was every night, but then gradually we used to use it to lie in until he'd gone back to sleep, then go back to our bed. I think maybe we only had a week or maybe a bit longer of actually sleeping all night in there, so it really wasn't forever. It was amazing how quickly he calmed down. Honestly it made a massive difference from the very first night we did it.

We have been having an almost identical problem with our DS who is 4. He was a reasonably good sleeper as a baby (but always an early waker) and only really started having problems in the last 6 months or so (apart from a blip when he was moved into a big bed). He also has a lot of anxieties (dark, house burning down etc) and dreams, although not nightmares as far as we can tell. He has a very active imagination and seems to find it hard to switch off at bedtime, despite a good bedtime routine. I would agree with Smee that at around this age they are getting a much greater awareness of growing up and what that means (and I wonder if we have overplayed the role of being a 'big brother' to 10mo DD?).

Last week we started a sticker chart (in desperation more than the expectation that it would work - I thought he was beyond such things). He has improved a lot the past week, with the incentive of a (small) Playmobil toy if he got enough stickers. We have also bought a roll-up futon to use if he has a really bad night. I saw this recommended on here (possibly by Smee on another thread). We haven't yet resorted to it but it's nice to know it's an option. He seems to want a lot of extra reassurance, and has said he would like to sleep in our bed but on the few times we have given in, none of us have had any sleep. I'm not sure whether it would be better for one of us to sleep on it in his room or to offer it to him to sleep on it in our room (where we have more space).

Finally, today I went to see a Homeopath who has given us a homeopathic remedy which is meant to promote restful sleep, but we have yet to discover whether this works! She was also of the view that the MMR vaccine (which DS had nearly a year ago) could be a factor, but personally I'm sceptical about that.

I hope this helps a bit. I think it could well be a stage that will pass in time, but I know how frustrating it is.

We went through this a bit with DD1 when she was about 3 (and she had slept through 12 hrs a night since 2 months old so it was a BIG shock!!), I think with her it was linked to fear of the dark (so we started to leave her door open with a v dim night light outside - as you have already done) and also fear of wetting the bed (she had come out of night nappies a few months earlier with no trouble, but then had an accident and although i made no fuss about it, it really freaked her out). Like Fadingfast the thing that REALLY worked for us was (I thought quite surprisingly) a sticker chart. I sat her down and explained that Mummy was tired and grumpy and needed her sleep, then we went to a shop and chose loads of stickers and if she didn't wake us in the night she got a sticker. within about 10 days it was all fine again. I then moved DD2 in with her (they are exactly 2 years apart) and funnily enough I have found that to be a great help in relation to both of their various sleeping issues. I think they find it v comforting not being alone. Now a year on at 4 and 2 they HATE the idea of sleeping on their own in a room. I know you say your DS is taking out aggression on his brother (but I think that's pretty normal at aged 3 and aged 1), but have you considered them room sharing - I found it did a lot not only for my DDs sleeping, but also for how they got on - with their own little bit of time together (DD2 jumping up and down in the cot and DD1 throwing toys into her etc and giggling together in the mornings) it seemed to help their relationship, which like yours had previously been really quite agressive and jealous on the part of DD1.

fadingfast, let us know how the homeopathic treatment goes. DS finds it impossible to switch off too, so is often still awake at 10pm (after going to bed at 7.30 ). I've tried craniosacral therapy, but that did nothing other than give us a nice couple of hours out of the house .