11yr old dd - what to do when met with point blank refusal to do what I ask ??

[CrackerNut]

Dd1, 11 going on 21, thinks she knows it all and doesn't give a toss about anything.

So, her room is a pigsty which is nothing new but it is getting on my bloody nerves.
I went in this morning to ask her to strip her bed so I could wash the bedclothes and she said 'no'.

I lost it at this point and said that she had until this afternoon to have her room spotless else whilst she is at her dads I will empty it of all of her stuff except essentials (I will too).

That was about an hour ago and she has just waltzed down here, still in pj's (she has been asked 4 times to get xdressed), and hasn't touched her room.

Well I think you have the right idea..you have warned her what will happen and you should definitely carry it out if she doesn't tidy it up!

It sounds like she is testing you and doesn't believe you will do what you have threatened IMO.

She might just have to learn a valuable lesson here.

Okay - breath!

Now - time limits, spelled out clearly.

I want the bed stripped by 12.00. If not, I will remove your cd player.

I then need all books put back on shelves and toys in correct boxes - by 1.00. If not, -.

Etc.

Praise when each stage is done. If it isn't done, follow through with the given consequence and walk away.

I think the main thing is clear, short term consequences and fast term praise if that makes sense!

I have tried that jane and she just refuses.

Don't worry, i will empty it if needs be.

Yes agree you have to carry through threats promises! So don't threaten anything you are unwilling to carry out. I have an 11 yr old dd and she knows how far she can push me (tbh it's not very far at all - am a mean mummy ). If I tell ask her to do something and it's not done she gets treated to my paddington bear stare and she knows she will not be allowed to NOT do it. (Have been known to put my nose up to hers to deliver message of what will happen it said misdemenour happens again ). I do emphasise being disappointed with her etc and she gets oodles of praise. Having said that though she might moan a bit but she does do what she is asked, she is a very good girl really and we do have a fantastic relationship, she doesn't actually like to disappoint me!

I think that's a good idea for the future janeite but the CrackerNut has already given the t & cs here.

Breathe deeply CrackerNut and wait. She may have a last minute change of mind. If she doesn't do what you've asked, do exactly what you've told her you'll do. (I hope this will include some 'essentials' such as iPod/phone/erm....girly stuff?)

And don't give it back until you feel she'd earned it!

Good luck.

Meant to add dd1's bedroom was a mess and she wanted her friends round today, told her unless it was tidied it simply wasn't happening. She now has a beautifully tidy room with her friends in it.

The problem is, if she doesn't get short- term smaller consequences then she has several hours of not doing what she has been told to do, with no instant consequence; therefore she is being "allowed" to ignore the instructions. I expect instant action if I give an instruction! Otherwise it looks like the poor behaviour is being ignored (even if there will be a consequence later). Smaller consequences, shorter-term I think, rather than big threats longer-term.

She has just come downstairs with her dirty bedclothes so we may have lift off.

If she doesn't do it though then the only things that will be left in her room is her bed, empty desk, and wardrobe.

Will leave her tv and stereo but remove the fuses.

Trouble is Janeite, I have tried smaller, short term solutions and nothing sems to work with her. Her attitude at home is awful th.

She is nothing like it at school and gets nothing but priase from her teacher and all other staff.