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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

10 yr old temper tantrums

15 replies

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:21

My 10 yr old has had an escalating tantrum. Started off with me taking a sling shot thing off him he found in the street. No questions, I took it off him, he knows why it's dangerous. Fast forward 30 mins-he's sworn repeatedly at me/us, trashed his room, been really spiteful to me calling me old , rescued his tv from our room where we put it, banged his bed hard so it comes through the ceiling again, doesn't f/ing care.! I lost my temper and smacked his bottom, hard. He was asked to unplug the tv, which he shouldn't have had and he wouldn't. I counted to 3 calmly and then lost it. I'm sorry, but I'm not taking any *** off a 10 yr old. He's doing all the classics of a toddler, ie, shut your door (don't have to) just calm down and stay in your room (why the f should I).

Any ideas as to how not to kill him? He's already looked through the phone book for Social Services but flipped totally when his older brother (trying to help me as well as him) asked what he was looking bfor. He's forfeited a trip to London tomorrow and two weeks fencing so far. He does care, I know he does, but it's hurting me now. My firend's kids wouldn't dare do this, I feel like a failure. All my kids have had tantrums but even the 15 yr old thinks we should get him anger management. I'm full of cold, tired and really, really wanting to stick his head under the tap for swearing at me.

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SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:26

It sounds like he has no respect for you. You were wrong to smack him and I reckon you know that. I would ignore him until he can be calm.

Is this a regular occurence? If I were the parent in this situation he would have a room with a bed and his basic clothing, and could earn the rest back gradually. Just what I would do though, everyone is different.

Does he get angr at school too? Are you aware if he goes into school and tells an adult you smacked him that they will have a duty to report this info to SS?

Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:27

He's just sneaked down and got a packet of crisps because just for 3 mins I wasn't sitting outside his door. I've tried ignoring him but we have a landing shelf with 3/4 hard lumps of rock/lava on it and he's thrown them downstairs. If it had hit someone, honest to God, it would have killed them

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Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:31

Of course he has no repsecpt, that's the problem. I'm not getting into a smacking debate and no, I don't feel guilty about it. He's ten, not an adult. When he's 18 he can make his own decisions and pay his own way. This was about something dangerous and doesn't need a full blown baby tantrum. School don't report smacking FGS unless a child goes in consistently covered in bruises. He's fine at school but I am not going to be sworn at by a l,ittle kid in my house. He's got big brothers but they know when to stop and how much I'll take. He's part of the family and needs to know his boundaries. He's got an old portable tv that just does PS games, a really old gameboy and a new game thingy he got for Xmas. I've taken them all off him, of course and he's not getting them back.

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Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:32

Excuse the spelling but I've lost my glasses to type with.

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SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:33

How old are your other children, do you just have the 15yr old? If he is like this I would just have an agreement with the rest of them that you all sit in another room together kitchen/lounge/dining room, and have a drink and read or something and stay out of his way until he has calmed down.

I feel for you, you sound at the end of your tether.

I would move the rocks if I were you! How scary!

If you are concerned about his temper, and issues of danger how about going to GP and asking for a referral for either an assessment or counselling?

Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:33

TYou can ignore a child but if his bed is coming through our ceiling 'cos he's bouncing on it, he's smashing his door with rocks and ripping off the handle, he's ripping the wallpaper outside his room, then what?!!

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Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:34

DS19, DS15 DD13 and hell boy.

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SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:36

StickyJ - they do report a child tellin them they have been smacked, they have to to cover their own back. I wasn't telling you to have a go, I mentioned it as I know a parent wh this happened to!

Please do not think I am a preachy perfect parent as I am not - I have smacked my son too.
"He's part of the family and needs to know his boundaries." I agree completely. Some kids know when to stop,some prefer to continuously push the boundaries and tire their parents out in the process!

SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:40

All those boys! I thought I was outnumbered.

It may be a dramatic idea but I would tell him calmly that if he doesn't stop damaging my property I will call the police. If he called my bluff I would call the police. Even if they send a community PO to have a word it may have more effect than you.

Ignore him anyway. He can help to repair or pay through privaleges/pocket money.

SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:40

All those boys! I thought I was outnumbered.

Ignore him anyway. He can help to repair or pay through privaleges/pocket money.

Original poster

stickyj · 19/02/2009 19:43

My DD's just called from South Africa where she is with my firend on 1 a 2 week hol and I'm now sitting here blubbing. I miss her, she's a real moo too but at least it's another female in the house!!

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SammyK · 19/02/2009 19:48

Aw! When he has calmed down I would explain he will get no attention or respect from you when he is behaving like an angry 3 yr old. Explain what his behaviour has cost him and how he can get it back.

I would bring up the rock throwing too as that is scary and very very dangerous. Ask him what would have happened if you had walked below as he threw it.

Have some wine or beer or chocolate, whatever floats your boat and try to repeat 'this too shall pass'.

LoveMyGirls · 19/02/2009 19:53

I have girls and they are younger so can't offer advice, you need custy by the sound of it tbh.

I don't think this is your fault I'm sure you are doing the best you can, it must be so hard.

I hope you find a solution.

I think (and lets bear in mind I've never had to put this into practice) that if my child were to behave like that I would go and strip his room completely until all there is is a mattress and duvet and pillow, I would sell his stuff on ebay to pay for the damage he has caused then I would make him earn the stuff not worth selling back bit by bit. Until his behaviour improved there would be no nice treats at all (no going to play, no friends round, nothing he wants on tv or what he wants for dinner_ then everytime he did something good I would praise and reward and I would tell him I love him because no matter how he has behaved he needs to know that you love him but you do not like his behaviour and will not accept it and he must respect you and you home.

MarmadukeScarlet · 19/02/2009 19:54

Not that I have any experience of this, but have read other posters on here who have removed the contents of their DC room (apart from bed or mattress, wardorbe and clothes) for extreme cases of agression, violence or disrespect. Their DC had to 'earn' back their belongings with good behaviour.

Seems extreme but if he is throwing/breaking things perhaps it might work?

Agree with Sammy 'this too shall pass'.

Dingbatgirl · 28/02/2009 17:46

It's been a while since you posted this message stickyj, I have no experience of temper tantrums at this age, but my ds is 6 and went through a terrible phase of awful tempers, was hitting children at school, punched me and screaming and shouting at every little thing.

My ds was finding Y2 at school really difficult and frustrating, and this was his way of coping with his feelings. Is it possible that he is being bullied at school/friendship problems/deep resentments at something or somebody and is unable to express his feelings?

I would make an appointment with your GP and talk through his behaviour, and perhaps he can refer you to somebody who can help, I was referred to CAMHS and spoke on the phone a few times to a family therapy worker who made some brilliant suggestions. But of course your DS is alot older than mine and the way of dealing with him would be completely different.

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