What are your views on teaching your children stranger danger?

[scrooged]

I took ds to the park, in the loo I overheard a mother tell her children (about 5+6) that they must stay with her at all times or someone will take them away. I thought this must be scary for a child and would it make them paraniod for their safety in the future. I know that it's possible that this might happen but the chances are tiny so is it wrong to teach your child that everyone is a bad person that wants to take them away or is it wrong to teach your child that there are a couple of people who are not nice and to know to run if someone offers them a lift/sweets/to see their pet? Where's the middle point?

What do you think?

I teach ds to run if someone offers him a lift/offers sweets etc. Am I wrong in teaching him that alot of people in the world are nice?

I teach mine that 99.999% of people are nice, but there is the odd scary nutter out there, so they should check with us before wandering off, accepting sweets or whatever.

There are times children need the help of strangers, and they should feel confident about asking for help, and learn to judge character a bit. You can't develop these skills tied to your mother's apron strings the whole time. The best protection for a child is the ability to trust their own judgement and be assertive. Overly compliant children are much more likely to be enticed away and/or abused. So I encouraged mine to question authority a bit and generally think for themselves.

Frankly I am more worried about them being involved in a road traffic accident, because statistically that is a lot more likely.

Thinking a bit deeper, the thing about stranger danger is that it is actually all about the parents and their potential guilt, whereas with RTAs they can blame the driver if so inclined ...

I haven't really started with my 4 yr old yet. I say things like 'Don't leave the playground without telling me' or 'Don't go off where I can't see you' in Tesco etc, because 'you will get lost and I wont be able to find you'. I haven't mentioned 'bad people' yet, really.

Are you sure she wasn't so fed up of having her darling DC run off and ignore her etc (as many do at this age) that she was going for the desperate, wrong but often used line "if you don't stay something bad will happen".

I have always emphasised staying with me because it is scarey for both of us if we get lost/seperated.

I have never really done stranger danger although I do talk through scenarios with them like - if you got lost who would you go and speak to about help.
I have also talked to them about privacy and secrets. That their bodies are private and that if anyone ever tells them to keep a secret from me then they must tell me.
I am far more concerned about them being abused by someone we know than by them being snatched - which is highly unlikely.

Good points Pagwatch, about the known abuser and also never keeping secrets from your parents.

Well voice of experience and all that .

The downside is I have been told every surprise birthday and christmas present for the last ten years

I'm not sure. She was very calm about it, questioning them about what they should do so it sounded like something that was being hammered in IYKWIM. It was the 'you know you must stay with me always' that was . I just wonder what these children will grow up to be if they are afraid of adults. I'm not judging her, I just didn't know if I was in the wrong being more lapse then this. I do teach ds who to go to if he's lost, bad secrets, people he shouldn't go with etc.

Oh pagwatch

Sorry to hear that, Pagwatch.

Thanks scrooged - but its ok now

and Boffin

Sorry OP - sidetracked your thread a bit

It's OK.

I have tended NOT to over-stress stranger danger because I would hate to think of my children being lost or scared and too frightened to ask any adult for help. So I concentrate on the kind of people you should approach: eg, mothers with children, grandmother-type women, as well as policemen (har!--not many of those around here).

So it's not just me then. Pfew!

I agree with BoffinMum and always stress that most people are perfectly nice.
I would never ever tell them that someone would 'take them' if they didn't stay close to me.
I always stressed that they were not to go off with anyone, with offers of seeing puppies etc.
We also went over what to do if they were lost-that paid off as DS2 had my name announced over a loud speaker when I had only just missed him!
I also made sure that they knew it was OK to be assertive and make a fuss if they didn't like something.

I was in a public loo in London a few months ago and this woman went into a cubicle telling her son of eight or nine to wait for her outside the cubicle door. He started to panic, telling her not to leave him outside 'because someone will take me away'. I thought she had probably made too big a deal of stranger danger.
Personally, I don't tell my children not to talk to strangers, but I do tell them about sensible strategies for if they lose sight of me - eg go into a shop and ask for help from an employee etc.

I say to my 4yo DD to stay close as I don't want to lose her. I've not mentioned strangers yet as I wasn't sure how to approach it without scaring her, but there are some very good posts here that I'm going to learn from!

Blimey, LGP, what a sad situation for the little lad to find himself in. I don't think my kids would have done this past the normal age of separation anxiety.

Once when I was 9 nobody came to pick me up from tennis as usual. My mum had had to take my brother to A and E as he had sliced open his hand. Dad was in the middle of a call out in a field somewhere, so he radioed for a colleague to come to fetch me. When the colleague arrived I scoffed and refused to get in his car, telling him I had heard about people like him and I was going absolutely nowhere until my parents arrived, excuses or no excuses. This caused great mirth amongst all the engineers over the radio system, and eventually we came up with the idea of me radioing my dad (I knew his call sign) and discussing the situation with him until I was happy. This worked OK and everyone was very pleased with me afterwards, although they still chortle about it 32 years later.

BTW I am interested to see how often sweets and puppies feature on this thread - are we all thinking of the 1970s 'Charlie' public information film?

Agree with boffinmum and pagwatch. I hate to think that everyone's telling their kids that all strangers are dangerous, society will break down! It's ridiculous that an adult can't address a child or vice versa. reminds me of that programme a while ago where they sat a little girl, obviously lost, about 6 years old in a shop doorway of a busy street, and videoed passers by, and NOT ONE MAN stopped to ask if she was OK, only women. Yet the men did look worried and glanced at her, but were obviously not wanting to be seen to be talking to a little girl. This obsession with strangers and paedophiles isn't shared in most of the world, which is very refreshing, probably they also have similar levels of child abuse etc but it's just the hysteria that gets me and the way it builds yet more walls between people in society...

Lollystar, just tell it how it is. There is the odd nutter out there (not just paedos, btw) as well as the odd rubbish driver incapable of controlling their vehicle properly, and kids need to be aware of both, just in case they encounter problems when out and about. That's reasonable enough, isn't it? It's like warning them that sometimes there are bullies, or about stroking dogs they don't know.

Gemzooks, that is very sad indeed.

In one of my academic books at work it makes the point that we have moved from child battering (1970s) through child neglect (1980s) and towards child sexual abuse (1990s onwards) as centres of moral panic.

yes, it makes you wonder what the next trend is. I think it's shifting responsibility for children's problems, obesity etc, on to them, a kind of ueber individualising trend towards not distinguishing them from adults at all. discuss!

We have talked about what to do if you get lost, go into a shop and ask some one who is behind the counter etc. We also talked about people to ask for help if you have to, a mother with children if possible etc.

I have stressed that they are surrounded by people who love/care for them and would never hurt them but that there are a few odd people out there who do hurt children and so it is important to keep safe and know what to do if you are scared or afraid.

We also talked about keeping secrets and also about our bodies and how they are ours and nobody must ever make them do anything they do not want to.

Obviously, we did not discuss this at one time but slowly as they have got older ( now 9 & 7 ) we have raised appropriate issues and how to deal with them.

I do not want them to be scared of the world, I want them to be confident in it and assertive when necessary and hopefully make good decisions when they need to.

My DD1 is 5, and I want her to have freedom and responsibility but also to balance that with ensuring she is safe.

She knows that some people are not safe - she was aware of the Maddie McCann case last year, and I kind of said that Maddie went off with a stranger, and now no-one knows where she is, so from that aspect she knows that not all strangers are safe. She also knows what should be said if a stranger offers her sweets/a lift / told she must go with him/her etc...

That said, I tend to emphasise boundaries more than stranger danger, so for example, if we go to Mothercare world, I'll let her run off and play in the ELC bit whilst I look around, but the deal is that she is not allowed out of the shop without me. She knows that and so would not do it. I also let her walk round to the childminder's house alone (three houses along, next road), because again she knows the boundaries of what she is and is not allowed to do - not talk to strangers, cross the almost dead end road safely, walk (and not run) there and back, no diversions etc etc.

So yes, she is aware of it, but I emphasise her safety and her boundaries, making her take responsibility for what she is and is not allowed to do - and I know she loves being given the responsibility and does not let me down. I think this is more important than just emphasising stranger danger, because there are so many other ways that they could get lost or hurt, not just through stangers.

my son is 4 and i have not spoken to him about stranger danger for the reason that we live in a very small town (as relative newcomers) and strangers say hello to us all the time! so it would confuse him!

so i have went down the line of talking about what parts of your body are private, not keeping secrets.

if you google GAVIN DE BECKER you will find a whole load of helpful stuff.