Help - 8 year old started coming to my bed during the night. What do you think?

[LeighNic]

Hi. I know lots of kids do this, but my 8 year old has never done this before. A few weeks ago he started waking up during the night and said he felt afraid/worried, so wanted to get into bed with me. At bedtime he tells me he hopes he doesn't wake up during the night as he lies there feeling alone and becomes frightened by anxious thoughts. I've put a nightlight in his bedroom and he has a couple of teddies around to cuddle if he wants to, but he doesn't seem to get any comfort out of doing that. I don't want to send him back to bed if he's feeling afraid but it's starting to drive me nuts because I'm losing sleep and I've gotten cranky with him about it a few times. I've tried talking to him about the problem, reassured him over and over that me and dh are there for him, and tried to allay any fears I think he might have.

My question is, do I allow him to get into bed with me/dh and hope that this will run its course, or will this only make things worse by becoming an entrenched habit? I used to get into bed with my mother when I was young but it went on for years, and I don't want the same thing happening with my son. I need my sleep and so does he! I want him to feel secure but somehow I don't feel I should be encouraging this habit. I've set up a bit of a rewards system for him if he can stay in his bed and go back to sleep without getting into bed with us. What do you think? He is a restless, mobile sleeper and I get woken up constantly if he's in bed with me. Any input appreciated.

Hi, I don't know the answer to be honest, but I'm experiencing the same. My ds is 6 and has started having troubles sleeping 3 weeks ago. Before then, he hardly ever had a nightmare and fell asleep a few minutes after switching off the light. He now wants one of us to be by his side when he falls asleep (otherwise it takes ages) and calls for me in the middle of the night (instead of coming to our bed). I now go and lie beside him... I'm developing a stiff neck!
I think it is pretty normal to develop anxieties at this age, and clearly remember that I needed my mum beside me in order to sleep when I was around 6-8 yr. So I decided to go with the flow, he is clearly troubled by something and he is too young to explain his fears.
I feel your pain though, I thought we were finished with sleepless night, but, with anything child related, never say never!
Sorry I don't have an answer on how to deal with it best. I feel that for us at the moment being close to ds is the best thing. Hopefully!

I can see the problem. It may just be a wee phase he's going through, maybe saw something on tv which has spooked him, or his imagination is doing a bit of overtime at bedtime. Have you tried taking him back through to his bed and lying with him till he drops back off. I know it is a bit tiring, but at least it keeps him in his own bed and better than all hell let loose by sending him back through on his own. He'll maybe then get the message that he does not come to your room, and his wee alarm clock that's going off during the night might switch off. Good luck.

its what you think that matters not what we think.if your ok with it go with it,if not dont.simple.

Just asking for opinions as I haven't been through this before, and I don't want to be adversely affecting him by sending him back to his room if he really needs the security right now. Other parents might've had a lot of experience with this kind of thing and may have gotten some good advice/ information that they could share. I'm not at all keen for him to be coming into my bed but I'm unsure of how to handle it best. Not really that simple in my mind!

Anyway thanks for the posts, mej3 I might try the idea of taking him back to his room and getting him to fall asleep in his own bed again. It might work so appreciate the suggestion.

I'll keep my fingers crossed LeighNic.

my gut feel is that I would do whatever he needed to feel safe and secure in the night.
if that meant coming into bed with me then so be it.
BUT, that said I do think that it's worth saying to him that you'll take him back to his room and sit with him for a mo and see if that helps, just so that it doesn't become habit

I wouldn't offer rewards for staying in bed, because if he is genuinely worried/scared then what you're saying is you can have a treat if you ignore that and stay in bed alone. and I am not sure that's the right thing to do also not sure it'll even work if he really is worried about something.

also worth a try sitting down with him during the day and asking if there is anything particularly worrying him (without mentioning the night wakings) and see what he says. Then ask him when he wakes at night if there is anything in particular that he thinks about... see if you can put your finger on the proble,
and then see if he can come up with any ways round it. problem solving with kids involved is great cvos both parties end up hearing what they need to. You can explain to him that it is hard for you being woken up at night because you need sleep, whilst reassuring him that you would always be there... but that maybe you can both together come up with a plan to help him stop waking up. see what he comes up with

Agree with Thisisyesterday. I would be inclined to let him come into my bed or lie with him in his- I couldn't bare the thought of him lying awake and worrying at 8. I think I might've been a bit scared of the dark at that age and ones imagination can run wild can't it? My DP is scared of the dark now.

For the time being let him come to you. It is important that he feels secure, knows that he has a never-fail strategy to solve this problem - even if you are that strategy.

Make no comment about it for a couple of weeks, then come back to it. Maybe by then he will be willing to return to bed by himself. Maybe he will be comforted by having a sleeping bag on the floor in your room where he can come if he needs. Advantage of that is that it's there if he needs it, but is hopefully less comfortable than his own bed.

We have our 8yo and 6yo in our bed intermittently. If they feel safe and welcomed, then they generally return to their beds when they are ready, sometimes even without our asking them to do so. They understand that we have our own beds, but may visit each other if we need.

Thank you all for your messages. PrettyCandles that is a fantastic idea about having something on the floor in our room that he can sleep on. I've been trying to work it out because dh and I have both lost sleep over this and it's wearing on both of us. I want ds to be secure but at the same time dh & I need our rest. So having a mattress on our floor seems to be a brilliant idea for the time being. Thanks as well Thisisyesterday for your thoughts.. I agree with you too. It's great to be able to get others' ideas when you desperately need them. xx