2 year old behaviour and my reaction to it

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My DS2.3 has had shocking tantrums since he was 16 months. They've now become rarerthey start he can usually come down from them faster. The thing I have more difficulty with is when he abjectly refuses to do what I ask. I can take all the time in the world with him on some occasions and at others life intervenes - we have to be somewhere or DD7 months needs my attention.
My DH keeps saying we need to 'do something about him refusing to do things'. He has not come up with any suggestions. Yesterday I ended up throwing my own tantrum and flinging a shoe across the room when I couldn't get it on him (after 10 minutes) when we were trying to go out. I then left for a walk with DD leaving DH to deal with the hysteria that followed.
Firstly - is the behaviour normal?
Secondly - any suggestions for dealing with it without throwing my own tantrum?!

Oh life with toddlers - so much fun eh!?

I think him wanting to exert control is very much normal for his age, I've still living it with both of mine (18 months and 38 months). I have no amazing solutions (beyond copious amounts of wine in the evening! )

The big thing I've found is just to try to give them as many choices in different aspects of life so they feel they have more control...silly things like do you want the blue cup of green cup?...do you want to put your shoes on first or your hat on first?....do you want to brush teeth before or after bathtime? Everything we do pretty much starts with a choice - it does not eliminate the problem but it does reduce the quantity. Don't know how verbal your son is but it works even if they can't talk that much....which plate do you want - this one or this one? iykwim.

And as for mummy's temper tantrums - you are most definately not alone...I've thrown some wobblers myself over the last 2 years, not my finest hour indeed

Totally normal.

As well as choice you can use silly games eg you try to put his shoe on yourself or on his hand.

Also if there's time when they refuse, go off and do something else and try again 10 minutes later (they have short memories at this age).

Or distraction, like start singing a nursery rhyme with finger action with child on your lap and when they are doing the actions with their fingers, grab the shoes and get 'em on before the realise what's happening. Singing all the time of course.

Oh, and as a last resort there's always television . Just 10 mins of Fireman Sam is enough to get socks, shoes and fleece on without any resistance.

Agree with Pepa that giving choices helps to make them feel more in control. Also, use days where you don't have a fixed schedule to ignore tantrums and unreasonable behaviour. Ignoring screaming, feet stomping etc, and just walking away - mummy will come back once you've stopped screaming/kicking etc - has made a big difference for me. It's hard not to get worked up, though, but it's best to walk away and count to 10. Toddlers know which buttons to press, and they'll keep on pressing them if they get a reaction from you.

Sorry, meant to add that while ignoring the bad behaviour, it's important to make a big fuss of him when he cooperates, even for seemingly minor successes. I've also started running through the good behaviours when DH gets back from work, and we tell him about our day, eg 'DS was REALLY good at sharing at the library today' etc. DH then makes a big fuss of him as well.

I try to distract my 19 month old DD when she doesn't want to do sth and I can see a tantrum on the horizon. She hates to get dressed at the moment so I get her to dress her dolly while I dress her. Same for hairwashing, brushing etc. Also when getting ready for a walk I get her to put the dog lead on while I get her coat on. So far is working for us!

Thanks for all the ideas and support. At least I know I'm not alone and I'm on the right track (minus my tantrums!).
pEPA - There is definitely more resistance when I don't give choice or I'm too tired to take that path. Lots of choice is definitely the way to go. DS is very chatty so I can use all of that with him. I try to allow as much choice as possible (to the point that my grandmother tells me to stop giving him choice and just make him do things - oh if it were that easy!)
Good idea Whiteorchid! I hardly ever watch TV with him but that means it's even more powerful-he thinks it's fantastic! He watched 2 episodes of Bob the Builder on loop 8 times on a long-haul flight last week! I will put that one to use next time I'm about to lose my mind.
Elizap - think I'll get a dog just so I can use that distraction! Good idea!
Thanks again.
I am feeling better now despite the fact that DD7months had us all awake from 4am-6am!

We also say things like 'I bet (best friend) can put his shoes on'

Or 'let's see who can get ready first, you or daddy'

Message withdrawn

The silly games thing works really well like Otherside suggested. With getting shoes on we always do the "where do shoes go game"...

me: Do shoes go on your head (puts DD's shoe on my head)
dd: laughing NOOOOOO!
me: Do shoes go on your nose (puts DD's shoes on my nose with lots of "pooh smelly shoe faces")
dd: laughing NOOOOOOO!
me: Do shoes go on your tummy (puts DD shoe on my tum)
dd: NOOOOOOO!
me: Then where do DD's shoes go? (puzzled face)
dd: On my FEET! (and nine times out of ten she holds up her feet for me to put her shoes on.)

i have a stepson aged 2 and a half who i have been with since he was 6 months.

We have the same problem, and its so hard not to get really upset with them. when asked to do something he often says "no" or "in a minute" or "you do it" or "i cant!". its even worse when asking him not to do something! he puts on this teasy voice and says "yeeesss i caaaannnnn"

its so fustrating! i empathise with you. ive often thrown tantrums myself or full blown fell out with him! Its hard to pull yourself away and think "stop! They are the child, im the adult!" because sometimes it feels like they are doing it to purposefully spite you!

But yes, Im pretty sure its normal. Just keep at it, keep the rules constant and be consistant. Terrible twos eh?

the games are good ideas. When dressing if he wont put an item on we say something like "ok dogga will wear your shoes (toy dog) and go to put them on him" Our littleun is so possessive over his things that he usually screams for his shoes back and puts them on no problem!

def all about choices, with each choice given having the desired result of course. Also, pick your battles, if he won't put shoes on but will wear wellies or even slippers does it really matter? Ds has to know what is going on all the time too so life is a constant stream of chatter "are we going to go out later to toddlers? Shall we go and play with all your friends at toddler group? Are we going to see if they still have the slide at toddlers?" etc so by the time the event actually occurs he is dying to get ready for it.

You arent alone.I have a 3 yr old and a 19 month old.It feels like a days work to get out of the house some days.
I try to tell them that morning what we will be doing so they are prepared mentally.It helps in our house.We say 'story is..' then go through the days plans with them, (like Balamory in reverse'

I get in terribly bad tempers when my tow are kicking off.I count to 10 or I sing.But I have been known to scream louder than either of my two DD's (and then hang my head in shamce) on embarassingly regular occasions.

I was in Tesco carpark the other day and both girls were going ballistic about getting back into the car.After the obligatory tussle they were both in, but still yelling blue murder.I shut the door and had two minutes in the relative silence outside of the car.Oh the relief.When I looked up the Mother two cars down was doing the same So it does happen to eveyone some time or other.

I got some advice sheet through from the health visitor when DD1 turned 3 at Christmas.It was mostly obvious stuff but one thing stuck out at me.'Dealing with her tantrums isnt about stopping her being angry.Its about coping with how angry she makes you feel' which did strike me as being a good way of looking at it and has since been how I have approached it.

Just to let you know I used 2 of the suggestions tonight. We dressed teddy in the dirty clothes as they were removed before bathtime (before that it was close to a stand-off) then did silly dressing games to get pyjamas on (over the favourite shirt which had come off for 1 minute of bathing!).
I realised tonight that in the rush to get things done I forget to be creative and have fun and end up having unnecessary battles.
Good reminder Scootini - I'll tell myself that next time there is a tantrum brewing and just concentrate on my calm reaction!
(Re picking battles - We've been in Australia for 2 months. He refused to get dressed every time we went out and I'd just say 'OK, off we go then' and take him in his nappy and put his clothes on at the venue. No drama. No problem in 35 degrees but not really the way to go in 9 degrees!)

"in the rush to get things done I forget to be creative and have fun"

I often feel that there isn't enough time in the day and I would be a better parent if I had another hour to take things slowly with my children every morning and evening.

Or maybe an extra hour of sleep so I could actually think clearly during the difficult moments wit dc's!

Oh yes, that helps too! So we need another three hours in the day.

Sleep definitelty would assist the whole process!
I'm trying to pretend that waking at 4am is perfectly adequate and that I feel fresh as a daisy - I'll see how that goes!

"Dealing with her tantrums isnt about stopping her being angry.Its about coping with how angry she makes you feel"

That is great advice TheGreatScootini.

'Dealing with her tantrums isnt about stopping her being angry.Its about coping with how angry she makes you feel'

This deserves to become part of Mumsnet lore. It's the single most sensible piece of advice I have seen about the terrible twos.

Maybe we can get morningpaper to publish an addendum to the Toddler Guide!