Habitual hitting

[Nattie]

My 5 year old ds has had a 'challenging' school life and, with the help of his school, he is gradually calming down. I do still dread picking him up, though - if his chest isn't covered in stickers, then I know something will have happened.

Today, his teacher took me aside to say that he'd had a brilliant two days but that the last half hour had just disintegrated. I promised his teacher that I'd talk to him about it at home.

He was VERY reluctant to talk about it but, knowing how he behaves I gathered that he'd hit out at someone and then hit somebody else on the head (with his hand) when they were supposed to be gathered together on the carpet. When the teacher tried to discipline him, he then lost control and went into a rage. I don?t think the initial hits were intended to hurt - this ?hitting? is habitual and is some form of communication peculiar to him (I don?t think he realises he?s doing it half of the time) but when we try to stop it, then the situation escalates.

I don't think the teacher should stop disciplining him for it but I?ve no idea how to stop it and neither does he. He acknowledges that this behaviour is unacceptable and I think his rages are because he?s let himself down and he wishes he hadn?t done it.

I did explain to him that the only person who can stop all this is him and he admitted that that made him feel quite scared - so now I hope that I haven?t piled on too much pressure!

Nattie we had this problem loast year wit ds1 who is 8. Everyday we would get called into school to pick him up because he was hitting other kids. I began by putting him straight to bed It didn't work. Then I thought what activity does he like most.Aaah football.So as a way of bribery WE enlisted him in a local football team.It worked.We use this as way of if he is good at school he can go to football.The school has noticed a definite improvement except for the odd occasion where he does not go to football. See if this form of discipline works for your child with an activity that he enjoys.Hope it works out for you.That is all I can suggest.He may be frustrated aswell.Is all his schoolwork done.He may be bored in school.

Nattie

I have the reverse problem with my ds nearly 7.
He is an angel at school, quiet, shy, quite bright but at home, he is aggresive and from being sweet can turn into this other person and you can see it coming. Once he does this you can't reason with him or control him in any way. He was really bad last summer, running away if he was told off, or couldn't do what he wanted and I ended up having to bolt the front door to stop him.
We ended up seeing a counsellor who said that he didn't have any of the disorders, ADHD or OCD etc, and suggesting a parenting course for us, two hours on a weekday, pretty easy eh!!!
We have found the same solution as doormat either we stop him going to thing the other children are going to, e.g we were all going to a Country Park for the day with my parents, so I went and my dh stayed at home with ds. It really hurt to have to do it and I wanted to back down, but this is the only way of getting through to him. He has also started football and we use the same tactics as doormat. I wonder if it is just their energy and frustration coming out in this way.
Good luck, let us know how he gets on.

Thank you doormat and kkgirl. He'll be starting at a drama/theatre group thing after Easter so maybe that'll help - he's not a sporty child. I've been on two parenting courses and, generally, I don't think I do too badly - laying heavy emphasis on the positive, etc. I sit him on the stairs for 5 minutes (with an egg timer - one minute for each year of his life!) each time he does do something wrong, which can sometimes progress to no children's tv and then no bedtime story.......... by which time nobody's talking to anybody!! And at school they have a yellow card and red card system where if they have a red card, then they miss out on 'golden time' on Fridays, when they can have an activity of their choice for three quarters of an hour. But there have been times when he hasn't had any golden time and he's even missed out on playtimes for the whole day.

I don't think he realises he's hitting out - initially it isn't to hurt, it's some sort of communication/contact, but the receiving child protests, then ds gets into trouble and that's when the rages start because he realises he's done it yet again and wishes he hasn't.

Nattie I hope everything calms down for you and I am pleased that you have found that liitle"bribe" I had to laugh about golden time. My son never had any for months. Take care.