10 yr old losing control and running off A LOT

[Slambang]

Any ideas or tips on this? Please help!

Ds10 is highly sensitive, bright and very well behaved at school. The problem is at home. When things go wrong for him in even the most minor way (for example yesterday his favourite pyjamas were in the wash) he throws a major tantrum and this ends in running out of the door (sometimes down the road), screaming and shouting.

We try to keep calm, tell him to take ten minutes out to calm down, we have talked through how he can deal with his emotions, talked about safety, we try to follow through punishments e.g. he loses time on the computer if he hits or refuses to do as he's told. Nothing works and it's happening more and more!

What on earth are we doing wrong? Anyone got any really good techniques

I dunno if what I suggest is ok - but why are you putting up with this? unless he has SEN issues Id put my foot right down on this behaviour he is too old for it and you are daft to put up with it.

Well I would be inclined to lock the door firstly as you would if you had a toddler in the house. OBv hang keys on hook by the door so you are not locked in in case of emergency.

What happens if you ignore him ranting and shouting? It sounds like he has learnt to push your buttons big style, so turn your back and walk away if he goes into one.

Attention of any kind is what children really want, so can you try to turn things around by

Doing more stuff together;
Praising him and his achievements;
Ignoring the behaviour you don't want more of;
Talking to him in a calm moment is great, you could introduce the notion of a pillow fir punching to get his anger out safely if you want.

Maybe at home he is not given as much to do as he is in school?

do the meltdowns happen about things that are hampering him in some way? Possibly he needs much more in-put into what happens to him and his things now and if HE has chosen to put his stuff in the wash, then it's not a big hoo-ha to him.

Is it time to give him more responsibility and talk to him more as you would an adult; ask his opinion on things?

just wondering if that might knock these histrionics on the head a bit.

Perhaps a combination of that approach, with a more zero tolerance approach of the running off might help. You could allow yourself to get REALLY angry about it and threaten him LOUDLY with the police next time he does it. I do think he needs to know where the boundary lies on this one, very clearly.

thanks for the super fast answers

well nickschick, I don't think we are putting up with it really. Ds does get a punishment for unreasonable behaviour and he usually accepts this as fair once he's calmed down. It's just avoiding the situation before it gets to that that we seem to be failing at.

Boys are like zombies - yes the door is locked usually. Twice (coz ds is cleverer than me) he has remembered the 'spare' key when I think he can't get out. And yes to the doing more stuff together. Dh currently making spag bol with him.

Gotta go

I recommend a book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" which is often mentioned on here. It may just give you a couple of things that might work, as it's all about changing the way we use language in order to diffuse situations etc.

Also - may be worth speaking to the school/GP: some of his behaviour seems quite extreme and I'm wondering if he struggles with a less controlled environment, hence the fact that he's okay at school where there may well be more specific rules and routines.

hmm some food for thought here. Often thought about taking him to GP but I suppose completely honestly I feel we should be able to deal with this ourselves.
Like Leo's suggestion of giving him more control/ responsibility. Thinking about it the trigger is most often frustration with his brother (petty squabbles/ sibling rivalry). Not sure how to remove ds1 from the equation though!

I'd go with janeite's recommendation of 'How To Talk ...'. It's very useful. I've just started reading a book by the same authors 'Siblings Without Rivalry'. Perhaps if it's related to his brother, that would be a useful start.
Also - is there any link to diet? A friend of mine has just done an exclusion diet with her son which cut out certain types of chemicals in food. It was developed at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital in Australia. (Lots of links from google.) She found that her son's reaction to frustration is far less extreme when he's on the diet. She also found that she is also sensitive to Salicylates which for her results in insomnia. It's very interesting and has had dramatic results for her. She said her husband and daughter are not sensitive to the chemicals - they knew within a week as the results are so fast.
Maybe a comination of a few things will help you all. Good luck.

The Explosive Child by Ross Green.

This book, and then reading around similar child/adult relationships such as Consensual Living, Taking Children Seriously and The Natural Child Project have helped me so much with my DS, who sounds a little like your son.

I was very very skeptical of the Plan B approach, but it can help create better outcomes for everyone.

Basically, Plan A - Parent in charge no matter what. Plan C - Child in chare no matter what. Plan B - no one 'in charge' - both parties have concerns to work through and reach an agreement without any pre-thought outcomes.

It needs TIME and effort, but well worth trying.

you say about trying to help him deal with emotions and taking time to calm down

at 10 there is no need to be runnnig down the road screaming
tell him straight, dole out punichsment and stop being too soft to how he is feeling as it seems that it is a performance...