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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how do I manage ds as he starts on the terrible 2s? he's pushing and hitting other children. pleeeeeease help

19 replies

BocciBalls · 15/02/2009 13:49

ds is 21 mo and on our own he's lovely but with other small children, he is simply horrible, and I hate having to say that about my own child.

He absolutely cannot bear there to be another child in or near his space and will push, stamp, scream and cry if he doesn't get his way - not just to not share a toy but for another child touching a toy or being within a couple of feet of him. If I try to distract him or say "no" to him pushing, grabbing, hitting etc he goes into tearful meltdown and remains on the edge of tears for the remainder of the time we are with other children.

It seems that the over-3s can hold their own against him / move away and do their own thing. But with his age group it becomes a fight, and I simply won't tolerate him being "mean" to those younger than him. This morning he kept going over to my friend's 10mo and trying to take a swipe at her because he couldn't cope with the fact that she was even playing near him.

I got to the point of feeling like I was being horrible as I just had to keep saying no or telling him not to do things or moving him away from the other child etc and it was thoroughly tedious for everyone in the room. Are these the right things for me to do or is there anything else anyone can advise please?

Right now we can't go to the playground if it is half-busy as ds can't even cope with another child being on the same bit of equipment as him. Feel like we'll end up just staying at home for the next year in social isolation!

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inthenarkynonk · 15/02/2009 14:04

dont ya just love the shame of 2 yr olds. Sounds like yours has reached it early I bet he is a clever kid . It is a phase be assured it will pass the only way to deal with it is to just be consistant even though it is soooo boring to constantly be saying no! right ok Im going to do this over and over

barnsleybelle · 15/02/2009 14:25

When my ds went through this i used to get down on his level, tell him where he was going wrong and give him a warning that if it continued one more time he would be taken to his cot, or we would leave the playground. The trick is to actually follow through with it when you say you will. Lots of threats never work unless you do it. Don't avoid places. Make a point of arranging pleasant outings so if he misbehaves then he sees that the good time ends. We used to leave so many fairs, bbqs etc, and he got taken upstairs so many times when friends came around. It didn't take him long to realise how much fum he was missing out on. After a while the threat of leaving worked as he knew i would do it. If i did take him to his cot i used to leave him 2-3 mins and then if he'd calmed down i let him come down, and start again with one warning and back up should he have to.

Be reassured that this is completely normal behaviour and shows he is developing how he should be. Be consistant and firm and he will soon move on..

Original poster

BocciBalls · 15/02/2009 15:26

thanks for the support and advice! It does feel shaming, even though I know that it is a normal phase. it is so horrible to see him lashing out at friends' children and making a massive scene all the time.

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BlueSapphire77 · 15/02/2009 15:37

Give him away and collect him when he's 21 and outgrown the strops
'Tis the only way

Mind you, he's male so maybe 21 a bit early for collection

Original poster

BocciBalls · 15/02/2009 19:55

bump in case there is any more advice out there please. have had another hellish spending every other moment seemingly saying "no" and dealing with constantly tearful and screaming toddler.

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Original poster

BocciBalls · 15/02/2009 19:55

hellish day that should be

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WowOoo · 15/02/2009 20:01

It's shaming isn't it?

This was the case for ds at playgroups. He didn't bite (that was just me!) but pushed, snatched and shouted at other children.

When he did this I would say 'OK, don't like you being nasty we're leaving'. took him from friends' houses too. horrible, but it seemed to do the trick and he's better now.

I also took toys away from him. Now, I just have to remind him that if he wants to keep his cars and trains or watch TV he has to behave. He's 2.8 now

He will shout and wave his arms at people but no violence.

A phase, I think. Sounds like you're doing the right things.

WowOoo · 15/02/2009 20:02

Biting - i mean that he bit me, not I bit him.....

OlderNotWiser · 15/02/2009 20:13

Sorry no advice but plenty of sympathy...my DS is 3.4 but has recently started a semi-covert version of this and it is mortifying since he picks on smaller children. He shouted 'No' in a small girls face at a playground this morning (she dared to approach the slide he was on) then when running around later, he 'accidentally' bumped into her in passing and sent her flying ie he bears grudges!! Cue me grovelling to other mum...

I suspect consistency in dealing with it is the key for us... my sons behaviour is mostly aimed at his younger brother, altho is now spilling over it seems elsewhere with other similar aged children, and I need to nip it in the bud more effectively...but there are so many shades of grey of his antagonistic behaviour that its hard to know where to start. I would be challenging him constantly, as you are with your DS. But do you know what, it is half term here this week and so I have him all week and I am going to blitz it...I will be taking him home in screaming tantrum mode all week I can promise you. But it needs to be done. I will report back and let you know how we get on!!

Sorry for long waffly post, I hope you get somewhere with it soon...I will be watching this thread for further advice too!

Original poster

BocciBalls · 15/02/2009 20:57

Thanks again for support and ideas - am keeping on bumping as this is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with as a parent so far and I need all the help I can get please.

Poor ds is not 2 until May so still very little and I veer between being utterly embarrassed and exasperated about his behaviour and then coming down on him like a ton of bricks at the slightest movement made in the direction of another child and feel like I'm overdoing it. [weary]

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LolaLadybird · 15/02/2009 21:02

One other tip is that when he hurts another child by hitting/pushing etc, make a big fuss of that other child before giving DS a telling off so that he isn't getting all the attention (albeit negative attention). I read this somewhere and used it when DD went through a similar phase and I think it did help.

The phase will pass but you have my sympathies until it does - I still remember the mortification the first time I saw DD push another, smaller child over and my profuse apologies to the mother ...

Dillydaydreamer · 15/02/2009 21:24

Time out every time he does it, so he learns that this behaviour means no toys for him and he sits on his own.
Give 1 warning ' if you carry on hitting/kicking etc you will sit in the buggy'
If he carries on then time out every time.
Time out at toddler group- strap in buggy facing the wall. No conversation just say 'No, don't hit/kick/push etc and strap him regardless of tantrum. Say' when you are calm you can get out'
At someone elses house sit in hallway if its gated/ strap in buggy in hallway out of eye contact range.
At soft play, same.

After a few weeks he will realise that his behaviour will not be tolerated and that he will be isolated.
Say 'I put you here because you kicked and hurt x, you need to say sorry.' Take him to the child and if he refuses a sorry or gesture put him back in the buggy for 2 mins then try again.

This seems harsh but it quickly resolves the problem.

noonki · 15/02/2009 21:32

the only thing that worked with my DS
was removing him from the situation with as little fuss as possible.

And if he tantrumed to completley ignore him.

Then praise him for being nice and sharing.

The more I told him off the worse he got.

good luck it's tough but remember he is still very very young. My DS2 is 20 months and I look back at how hard I was on DS1 in horror sometimes!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/02/2009 21:50

I did the same as dilly, very firm from the start, dd has time out then has to apologise, if she snatched a toy the toy was given back and she was not allowed it.

Out and about I think if people see you dealing with the situation and acknolegding that he has done something wrong they are far more understanding than you think ( I certainly am).

Don't be mortified be proud that you are giving him good firm boundaries and rmember THIS TOO WILL PASS

mummysaidno · 17/02/2009 08:03

I do the same as dilly only sometimes my ds will wack another child and as he is doing it will say sorry!

mummysaidno · 17/02/2009 08:03

I do the same as dilly only sometimes my ds will wack another child and as he is doing it will say sorry!

wilbur · 17/02/2009 12:50

bocciballs - just wanted to say you are definitely doing the right thing in repeatedly distracting him, moving him and telling him that hitting etc is not accceptable, so well done you for that - there's little worse than mothers who just laugh while their child is going through this hideous phase and never try to guide them towards better behaviour. I do sympathise though, it is hellish - I had a hair puller (ds1) and a biter (dd) who were both monstrous at times, although fine 1 to 1. They are now 8 and 5 and really quite lovely ! One thing I found helped was developing a low, ultra calm but very serious voice - not raising my voice, as that just hyped them up more. Gradually, they got to realise that when mummy was crouching next to them using The Voice, they needed to listen or the fun would stop. Didn't always work, but often it helped. Apart from that, I spent a lot of time apologising to other mothers...

naomi83 · 17/02/2009 12:59

Our son was the same a few months ago, (for now) we've solved it with a two pronged attack-

giving him power-helping him voice his fustration in words-are you angry when that little boy touched your toys? How about you give your friend 1 toy to play with and then you have the rest? Or, you don't want that girl to go on the slide with you? Ok, so how about you have your turn, and then she'll have her turn. Also limited choices- do you want to go on the slide or the swing? Wear the brown hat or the green hat? Use lots of praise and encourage individual attempts at tasks, even if you have to help in the end.
Strong limits, enforced consistently. Before you go to a friend's house warn him that if he kicks/bites he is going straight home. Repeat several times-we don't bite or kick, we play nicely. If he plays nicely for a few minutes, comment on it. Lots of praise. Hopefully with these two tactics your son will feel more in control and understand exactly what he can and can't do.

Original poster

BocciBalls · 17/02/2009 22:02

ahhh thanks ladies. been at work today so he's been someone else's problem. but of course he is much better behaved for the gps! so lovely to have your advice and support.

thank you

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