Bossy older sister (4.5 years) - anyone have tips on dealing with this?

[Astrophe]

DD is 4.5, DS is almost 3. DD has always been fairly bossy - loves organising things, loves words, loves rules. DS has always been fairly easy going.

Lately, DD is getting worse and worse. She is CONSTANTLY telling DS what to do. If he picks up a toy she races over to him and starts telling him what to do with it, or grbs it from him and takes over the game. She tells him what spoon to use, what colour cup to have etc etc.

She is really a lovely girl - bright and fun, and she loves DS...but they used to play well together, and now that DS is getting more independent they are starting to clash more.

I want to help DD to control her urge to control others, and to be more dipolmatic. I don't want to crush her, or to label her as being 'bossy' or bad - not do I want to intervene too much and teach DS that he is a 'victim'...but what to do?

Any tips for preserving sanity and preserving DS and DDs relationship - which has been so lovely up to now?

I know it's differnet but I babysit a little girl two days a week and she is very bossy with my son. She is nearly 4 and my son is just over 3. On Monday afternoon, when she comes over to my house for the first few hours it's awful she tells him what to do all the time... but I am persistant and tell her plain and simple that my DS can make decisions on his own, and play games to 'reverse' the roles - ie my son being the 'pretend teacher' and she is the 'pretend girl at school' etc etc. After a little while she gets used to it and is not so bossy anymore.

It might be a good idea to create a few games with your son being the 'leader' it can be a zoo keeper and your daughter is the visitor, or he is a doctor and she is a patient, and really encourage and praise him for being in a leading position. Maybe your DD will realise that it can be fun too.

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Sounds to me like she's trying to be helpful but overdoing it a bit. Maybe try getting her to ask your DS for his opinion such as "DS what colour cup would you like today?" then letting her get it for him.

My dd1 knows that grabbing toys from dd2 is not acceptable and results in the naughty step after a warning. Maybe you could pick specific things which annoy you and DS most to concentrate on changing specific little things rather than everything at once. Is she at school yet? If not, she may calm down a bit once she's surrounded by children a bit older, who don't necessarily do as she says.

Ds is 5 and dd 4 and we do much the same as Pitchounette. One other thing which helps the relationship along is to reinforce the message with dd that she does not have to do what ds tells her and if he annoys her, she can (and does) walk away and play on her own. Ds then knows that to get her to come back, he has to compromise with her.

Thanks for the ideas everyone. I need to give it some more thought and target a few things at once - its all got a bit on top of me and I am a bit shouty with DD atm, which I know is counterpoductive. Its hard to explain quite what she is like. She is bossy, but also controlling - so even asking DS what colour cup he would like sems to be a way of controlling him (she would just hate for him to get the cup himself!). Having said that, I know she adores him, and he adores her too. There has been a lot of change in her life recently, so I think it is a control thing for her. I do undersnatd, but still feel a dit desperate as I don't want their relationship to deteriorate.