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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Feeling awful and tearful after ds has refused to come home with me after nursery today.

31 replies

tiredandwornoutmum · 13/02/2009 16:38

All the staff were looking at me is if I was the worst mother in the world.

Just recently he has been refusing to leave nursery (school this is, not childcare nursery) and come home. Says he doesn't want to come home and doesn't want Mummy. He has also done it once to the childminder who picks him up twice a week.

Dont know how to tackle this, I left him perfectly happy this morning so don't know why he would NOT want to come with me.

The staff must think he has a terrible home life (which he doesn't btw) to not want to come home with me

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SixSpot · 13/02/2009 16:40

Of course they won't think that!

Lots of young children have difficulties with the transition between one thing and another. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want to come really, or that you're a bad mother .

ninah · 13/02/2009 16:41

No they won't be thinking that at all. Sometimes children do this. I used to cry when my mother came to pick me up at this age there's an odd clash between wanting independence and needing attachment which can make for strong emotions. If I were you I'd talk with the staff. Is it a recent thing? it's nothing personal to you, and I bet no one is worried about his home life. Why not go and give him a hug now and plan for a lovely half term?

Lizzylou · 13/02/2009 16:42

Oh, they do make you feel bad, don't they?
DS2 asks to go to his CM's every morning (he goes 3x a week), when he's supposed to be home all day with me and when he is supposed to be at PIL's (he spent the 1/2 hour car journey to PIL's last week saying "I don't want to visit Grandma and Grandad they are stupid and horrible". He adores them.

I understand how upsetting it must be for you, but at least you know that your DS is enjoying nursery.

ninah · 13/02/2009 16:43

yes, that's it, transition between one thing and another. It's not uncommon to see preschool/nursery children crying when carer appears, staff will have seen it before, honestly!

TheProvincialLady · 13/02/2009 16:44

I imagine he has picked up on the fact that the nursery staff look at you (VERY unprofessional IMO) and is manipulating the situation to get some attention. He is just testing your love for him and knows darned well that you love him and will take him home. It is nothing to do with not liking/loving you or home, though at first he may have been enjoying his day at nursery so much that he didn't want to leave - which is a good thing as you want him to be happy there.

So, not a nice thing to deal with for you and I understand your feeligs, but a quiet word with the staff/childminder about not paying him (or you) any attention and you just being quietly cheerful and purposeful will soon show him that this particular attention seeking device no longer works!

(Am assuming you are not a horrible and cruel mother BTW, in which case scratch all the above advice and be nice)

Lotster · 13/02/2009 16:48

Ahh, don't feel bad, I was literally just talking to my friend who said her little girl cries when she turns up and says "but I want to be at nursery for aaaaages! I don't want to come home with you." And I know for a fact this little one loves her mum to bits.

It hurts you obviously, but it's a good thing he likes nursery and you're not leaving him somewhere he's miserable...

Original poster

tiredandwornoutmum · 13/02/2009 17:05

Have spoken to the nursery and they have a sticker chart for encouraging the putting on of coat/shoes and going home..but it still feels so 'personal' expecially when he is the only one doing it, and I'm the only parent left waiting in the playground for their child to be sent out. I just soooooo know it's because he is refusing to come out to me, or put his coat on.

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Original poster

tiredandwornoutmum · 13/02/2009 17:05

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Original poster

tiredandwornoutmum · 13/02/2009 17:40

Thankyou everyone, you've made me feel better!

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cheltenhamgal · 13/02/2009 17:47

I wouldn't worry my dd used to run off onto the school playing field when I went to pick her up ! She doesn't now though lol

ProfYaffle · 13/02/2009 17:49

Whenever one of dd1's friends comes over to play she has the screaming abdabs and refuses to go when it comes to home time, despite the fact that for the last half hour she's been constantly asking for her Mum.

I'm sure the nursery staff have seen it all before and aren't judging you at all.

purepurple · 14/02/2009 09:53

as a nursery worker I have seen this hundreds of times if not thousands!
they don't want to come in then they don't want to go home
they just don't like doing what they are told!
just turn round and make as if to go out the door and say "well, stay here then".Most kids will then run after you. Mind you, then you do get the odd one that will just dig their heels in and you have to do the whole "Well, we're going home soon and then it will be dark and you will be all on your own" routine. That normally gets them moving.

Coldtits · 14/02/2009 10:05

bribe him with sweets

Heated · 14/02/2009 10:17

Well, at least you know he likes it there! I use to do this to my great aunt when she used to collect me from playschool I did grow out of it... promise!

I was going to say like Coldtits, bribe him -ds loves sitting in the car when I pick up dd from nursery as he knows there's a Gameboy Advance in the one of the compartments. Maybe hometime with mummy could be unpredictable fun - go via the park, choc buttons in pocket, ride home on scooter?

To use the MN mantra: it is a phase, it will pass.

Pruners · 14/02/2009 10:21

Message withdrawn

Miaou · 14/02/2009 10:46

My ds1 is like that, will often burst into tears when I come to collect him, with wails of "nooooooooo mummy go away!!!!" - I can usually distract him by saying that ds2 is waiting for him and would love a cuddle (he loves doing that), but it's often still a battle to get him into his shoes and coat.

I try and take comfort from the fact that he loves nursery so much. I always get a big kiss and cuddle before he goes in and the nursery staff know that it's simply because he loves being there that he complains about going. I also know (as do they) that at the end of the session he is tired and emotional therefore any removal of "power" in his eyes (ie, you must go with mummy now even if you want to play in the house corner) will frustrate him and he will take it out on the one person he feels most comfortable with.

Nursery staff will have seen this time and again, year in, year out. What you feel is them staring and judging is more likely them seeing what's happening and inwardly sympathising

doggiesayswoof · 14/02/2009 10:55

DD does this 50% of the time

The transition thing is hard, and worse when they are tired, and that's inevitable at the end of the day

Best tactic for me is to try not to show how annoyed/upset it makes me feel and just start to leave, while blithely talking about going home to ds/sweets in the car/cuddly toy she left in the car etc

Nursery staff have seen it all before.

MegSophandEmma · 14/02/2009 11:00

DD3 is doin the same thing at the moment, with her CM.

She grabs onto the childminder when I walk in, then starts crying and calling CM mama I have three DC and have been through it with each of them.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2009 11:02

Oh DS2 and DD do this to me all the time. It is embarrassing, I agree - I just smile at the staff and say "he/she does love me really!" and they laugh. they both also used to run off without a backward glance when I dropped them off and had to be hauled back for a hug and a kiss.

Sawyer64 · 14/02/2009 11:11

My DD's have done this,mainly with the CM.

Mostly its because they have had a good time and don't want it to stop.

Sometimes if you have things planned for the afternoon,that you speak about before Nursery,and then remind them of it,it helps them to remember home is "fun" too.Also the Nursery teachers pick up on your cue too,and start being "impressed" that they are going to be doing this and "aren't they lucky" etc.

Its just a phase IME,and as long as you don't appear to be too bothered by it,it will wear off.Just don't make it a "weapon" they can use,as they get older they do have a "radar" for things that upset you,and use it when they are cross at being "interrupted" !!!

Its no reflection on you,or your Homelife,and no-one is thinking that or judging you.

Its a bit like when you are in a supermarket and your DC is having a tantrum,you think that because people are watching they are judging you,but in reality they are all feeling for you, and sympathising.

rachels103 · 14/02/2009 14:50

I'm sure no one is judging you but my ds does it to me too and it's horrible, when all you want is them to run over and give you a big hug and kiss.

I try and think of something to promise when we get home (anything from play dough to visiting someone - I try not to make it treat food related) to make him excited about leaving.

I'm sure it will pass. My ds also plays the same game when I've been at work and he's been with ds - he won't let me do anything for him. I try not to take it personally as he does exactly the same the other way round.

tankie · 14/02/2009 16:23

Are you sure the staff look at you? LOADS of children do this, up to the age of three they cry when mum drops them off, after the age of three they cry when she picks them up! It's really not unusual at all.

ABetaDad · 14/02/2009 16:39

Oh don't worry about it.

Wait until he gets to Reception class when he is in proper school and just lays on the floor at the end of the school day screaming "I hate you Muummy go away".

Happened to me with DS1. I ended up dragging him on his stomach out of the school hall with several sets of parents and the headmistress looking on. I felt just the same as you that they were all looking at me and judging the 'home situation'. I am sure they were not.

The annoying thing is that just the week before he cried the place down when I left him in after school care for an hour and everyone thought I had abandoned him.

[Sorry I posted this story the other day but it is so relevant here]

Wallace · 14/02/2009 16:49

Argh, ds1 used to do this when I tried to get him to come home from friends' houses

Original poster

tiredandwornoutmum · 14/02/2009 18:29

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you everyone...you have made me feel SOOOOOOOOO much better.

I really really appreciate everyone of your stories. I was still feeling so down today about it and when I've logged on here there were all your posts, making me feel so much better. I can go and enjoy valentines day after all!

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