DD getting a bit slap happy- it needs to stop, but how?

[tigermeow]

DD (very nearly 4yrs) has suddenly got very slap/kick happy. Sometimes the slaps come from no-where and there is nothing that provokes her, other times when she is frustrated she slaps out. She isn't hitting with force, it is more of a 'go away' slap.

I have talked with her that this isn't the right behaviour, I've given her ideas on what to say instead of slapping, I've removed myself from the room without drawing attention to the slap. Yesterday the cat hurt her and she cried so we talked about how it hurts when she slaps/hurts people, I've pretended to cry at being slapped which made her then cry but nothing is stopping it.
Today though I lost my calmness and really went off on one. I'm fed up with being slapped and kicked. We have never slapped her and she doesn't watch violence on the TV. I know she is tired right now (needs half term) but even when well rested she still does it. I spent all afternoon with her playing so she isn't after attention. Her personality is very loving and kind, except for this blip. She is very verbal but finds it hard to express her feelings without a slap or a loud grunt (that could be a whole new post).

How can we stop this, the last thing I want is her slapping at school. I am now getting quite upset by this as I feel I have tried everything, but obviously I haven't as she is still doing it.

I am just wondering if you've heard of unconditional parenting? It can work really well.

? What's unconditional parenting? I'd try teh naughtly corner. I have a DS who is 3.5, and reasoning in a calm voice DOESNT work. He just thinks I dont care. So it's the naughty corner, or somesuch actual punishment (such as removing a wanted toy) which makes him pay attention. Just Say No as the ad went.

I'll just add that the slapping isn't just a few times a day, yesterday I counted about 12 slaps.

Tell me more about how I could use Unconditional Parenting for this.

As parents we include her in everything with family life, we discuss lots of issues, her opinion is heard and listened to. We praise a lot more than we say negative things- she is extremely sensitive so we don't shout and we try to ignore the not so good behaviour. She is really well behaved (according to other people) except for this slapping.

She is very attached to some of her toys- removing them could be the answer. How long do you remove them for?

With unconditional parenting you don't over praise. You ask them if they think whether what they did was good. Do they feel proud etc. So many times I hear parents praising for things like putting their coat on which just seems daft to me. They then come to expect praise for every single thing they do. Also with unconditional parenting you wouldn't ignore the bad behaviour. You would suggest something you would like them to do instead. Children tend to not hear the words no and don't. They just hear the words that follow. So if you say don't stand on the table they hear stand on the table. Instead you should say get down from the table. It seems such a small difference you wouldn't think it would work but it does with DS who is admittedly a bit younger at 2.7 You would explain why it isn't really a good idea. At 4 you could ask them if they think it is a good idea. You could ask them how they would feel if someone kept slapping them. Would they feel hurt and upset? If so then they shouldn't make other people hurt and upset.

Oh also is she doing this at times when she maybe tired or frustrated?

Tired and frustrated are the main times for the slapping, though it can happen at any time but 75% is when she is tired.

I like the ideas that you mentioned. Having had the cat hurt her the other day gave us an ideal opportunity to discuss how she felt at being hurt and how it feels for us to be hurt when she slaps us. She knows it isn't a good idea, she knows it hurts, yet the frustration she seems to have just makes her lash out. Her self-esteem is shot to bits right now (very awful school experience from which she is still recovering- she isn't there anymore) so asking her anything about what makes her feel proud/happy results in a slap for us for daring to ask.

We will keep going with the talking through her actions and and explaining why it isn't a good idea.
Thank you

Hi ..... my 6 year old ds is being aggressive to his best friend, he has been hitting out at him, and yesterday he hit him, then shouted in his face when his best friend passed his coat to him. It seems to be a problem with my ds getting upset about competitiveness. My ds has difficulty with emphasising and is having special needs help at school with his social skills (taking turns, etc). He will lose this friendship if it doesn't stop, has anyone any ideas? I am trying a tick chart, a tick every day for when he is kind and doesn't hit with a little reward at his grandparents on Monday.

Sorry ..... just realised I should have started my own thread! Having a daft day, but good luck tigermeow, my ds had a hitting problem in reception at age 4, when he was tired and frustrated, but when his self-esteem improved the hitting stopped, we just carried on with praise and kept reinforcing he was wrong to hit. I just have a specific problem now with one little friend.

When she does it explain you know she is doing it because she is tired and frustrated and she's not able to control herself. Suggest other ways of her venting her anger when she feels she needs to lash out. A beanbag perhaps that she can punch instead?