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DS(8) can't make friends at new school (sorry - long)

4 replies

WealdMa · 12/02/2009 16:59

I'm wondering if anyone out there has had a similar problem and how they tackled it. We moved DS to a new all-boy private school in September since he was not getting on at old mixed state school, mainly because he is very easily distracted and large class size meant that he could get away without getting much done which kept being commented on by his teachers but was never dealt with. He was involved in choosing his new school and was very keen to go. He fitted in very well at first, but now, in his second term, says that the other boys won't let him join in with their games at playtime and he is often alone. He is very upset about it and says he doesn't know why it is. I suspect that it is because, at his old school, he was very much an "alpha male" whereas now he is a small minnow - not helped by the fact that he can be quite very opinionated and bossy at times. I have had a quiet word with him about this and invited boys he likes over to play, which has always been a success, but although he is invited to all the parties he hasn't had any "play" invites. I fully expected it to take a year for him to settle down properly but things seem to be getting worse rather than better. Don't know what to do now and worried about a very upset little boy who doesn't want to go to school anymore...Any ideas?

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ICANDOTHAT · 12/02/2009 17:42

This could have been me. I took my ds2 out of state school in year 3 and he started him at an all boys private school for year 4. Long story .... state school had 35 in a class and he was getting 'lost' in the crowd, lacked concentration and attention and the last year was awful - every day a bad comment from teacher. So, like you, we made the move - at huge financial sacrifice I might add.

Now, my lad was gregarious, confident and a bit gobby and it took him almost a year to settle in. All the other boys had gone through pre-prep together and so he was really fighting his way into their friendships. I think you should have a quiet word with his teacher and mention the playtime issue, just ask them to observe and see if he is trying or the other kids are blanking him. Also, at this age 'play' invites become less and less and I found most socialising was done at the weekends, not in the evenings, as that was usually taken up with homework.

Ask one of his new buddies over on a sat on sun afternoon. I have to say, that even as a parent at the new school, I also had to 'work' my way in to the mum's circle - that took ages and I am a social animal

WealdMa · 12/02/2009 18:44

Hi there, yes it was a very difficult decision to make in the first place as well, not least because finances were tight anyway - so now wondering if it was the right decision so your words are very comforting.

Thanks for your advice- it is really helpful and I will arrange to speak to the teachers. The situation is not helped by the fact that I work full time and, although my house husband is great at looking after dss, he doesn't do the whole school gate socialising thing and I am finding it an uphill struggle to network (how I hate that word!) although we do go to all the school events. I'm a social animal as well but it is SO difficult - can't work out if they find me intimidating because I work full time or because they think I am a sad excuse for a mother but haven't met an kindred spirits yet!

Hopefully a year should see it out then...

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ICANDOTHAT · 12/02/2009 20:42

Ask the teacher if there are other mums that work ... there are bound to be. And yes, sometimes 'working' mums are a bit of an enigma, but you need to break the ice and show them you are really a nice person too play dates are a great way to do this. Also, dh and I had a few round for drinks/dinner after we got to know their kids.

Forgot to say, that my ds is now aged 12 and thrived at the school - it was worth all the fretting (and dosh!).

My mum says "When you're young, you are footloose and care free, but when you have children, the care free part of you in replaced by worry, worry and more worry" she's bloody right!

WealdMa · 16/02/2009 09:49

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I have arranged a couple of play dates for half-term so hopefully that should help and am seeing his form teacher next week...

On with the full charm offensive now!

Great to hear that your ds thrived - hope mine does the same, given time

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