"Mummy, promise me we'll die at the same time" My 4 year old is obsessed by death

[snickersnack]

It started fairly benignly - lots of pretend games when the cat's mummy died and she had to start looking after the cat. But recently, she's been asking lots of questions about death, and I feel ill-equipped to answer them. Today, she was close to tears, saying "Mummy, I don't want you to die ever unless I can die with you". I really don't know where this is coming from, and can't think of anything that would have set it off. I'm slightly at a loss about how to deal with it - we're not a religious family, so I can't go down that route.

Just saw this and have no advice from experience I'm afraid as my babe is only 6 months and years off this scenario! But just to say I saw a book in the Parents section of the library for children about death, it was very sweet and had nice pictures, sorry can't remember what it was called but what about reading with her around the subject? Might help without you having to address it personally, I mean specifically talk about someone she knows dying. Do you have one of those Parents' points in your library?

ds went through a stage like this.

Every day he would say "mummy... will we die today?"

and "when will we die mummy?"

I generally wittered on about all sorts of things and tried to reassure him but I'm not sure he even understood the concept of death, never mind my attempts at calming him down about them.

You've just made me realise that he stopped doing this about three months ago.

The whole phase lasted about six months.

oh, mine too. She thinks its nice to say 'I hope you don't die' to me and dh every night at bedtime . I just tell her I don't intend to die until i'm a ripe old age and she's at least 65, and that when i do I will turn into a star and keep an eye on her all the time. She seems to be getting over her obsession a bit. I think it just makes her feel important to understand about death, more than worried as such, but i suppose its a scary concept and she has worried about it at times.

my youngest brother went through thsi at about the age of six, it was very upsetting and he really got into a state over it. Was no reason that we could see to it, other than he was a very clever and sensitive child.
Dont think you can do more than reassure. [sasd]

It'll stop.

I had the joy of walking out of the school with my 4yr old DS, who announced to all that he was going to die.

Like squonk, I think it lasted about 6 months.

dd1 went through this stage too. we talked about it quite matter of factly and assured her that everyone feels the same, we're all frightened of dying but we find different ways to make ourselves feel better about it - that some people liked to think heaven/reincarnation/insert religious stuff of choice here and that others like to think about circle of life, being made of stardust etc etc. and that mostly people try hard to think about other stuff to take their minds off it

My ds (4) is going through this, in the last week it has calmed down a bit. The last conversation we had about it i told him that it will be such a long time before any of us die that you dont need to even think about it, not very in depth i know but it seems to have helped.

I went through this stage. It was brought on by the death of my Grandfather when I was almost six and lasted for probable about a year. I vividly remember the very real fears I felt.

I'm with techpep on the idea of stressing the age at which most people die and explaining what a long time away that is. I know we can never say for certain when we will die but I really feel that reassurance is needed that death is most likely a long time away in this situation.

By the way I was raised in a Catholic household and had a very strong belief in the afterlife as a child. It didn't help one bit! The scariest thought was being separated from the ones I loved best ie. Mummy and Daddy, not where one ended up. And having to say the prayer, "If I should die before I wake .....", was just like tempting fate for me!

Having said all this, none of my fears as a 6 year old had any long lasting effects on me and as an adult I cared for two of my grandparents before and during death. I really hope your dd is ok and that this phase passes quickly for you all.

My ds too went through a phase like this, along with many other children I know. It made me wonder if it is part of a stage of development. 4 is an age when lots of changes are happening, children are getting ready to go to school, their world is changing fast with lots of outside influences and perhaps it triggers something about our/their place in the worls.

I agree with lots of the advice you've already had - talking about it in a very matter of fact way, stressing age etc. My ds responded very well to this - he's a very logical little boy. A friends ds started asking all sorts of questions about life after death, religion which was pretty difficult for his (atheist) mother!

In the end, you know your dd best and what aproach will reassure her.

We're not religious but we did/do the heaven thing. I think death is just too big a thing for them to grasp otherwise.

Ds, 5, had similar obsession about who would die first and not wanting me to die. I took the very matter-of-fact approach which was so successful that when he was hopping about in agony after stubbing his toe and I jokingly reassured him with the words: "It's not that bad - you won't die", he replied "That's not true mummy - everyone dies eventually". He still talks about death occasionally, but he seems to have come to terms with the idea.