DS (9) and temper. Getting in bother at school every day 'cos of it, Meeting school soon

[clumsymum]

This is a real worry to me ATM.

DS has had probs with behaviour at school for some time now, because he is attention seeking, and because he struggles to contain his temper when others laugh at him/tease him/bully him.

He does have some physical differences, so he gets teased because of that, and of course he now gets teased / bullied because he gives such a spectacularly good response. So it's spiralling, and he is in trouble almost every day about it.

Academically he is bright and able (head teacher said to me last week "he's so bloody bright", in a phone conversation), but this whole thing is impacting on his schooling generally.

At home we have got him to have better control over his temper, simply by making it clear that such behaviour is not acceptable. One weekend a few months ago, he spent more time in his bedroom than out of it, because of enforced timeouts, but things have improved since. but he seems to just let it go when he's at school.

He gets sessions with the learning mentor, he knows he isn't helping his own case, but claims he just can't help it.

I'm worried a) because I can see him carrying on like this to teenhood, and getting himself in REAL bother one day (knifed or something)
b) because it's impacting on his education
c)because he has no friends who come round during school hols / weekends, presumably cos they see him as a nasty so-and-so.

Anyone got any experience of this?

Oh, and I should say, I do think school should be dealing with the teasing / bullying too.

I can sympathise with school issues and the fact your son finds it hard to control his temper and behaviour when teased. Yes, the school should be keeping a very close eye on the 'teasers', but on the other hand it's part of growing up and learning how to respond to social situations. My son has a dx of ADHD and can behave inappropriately to teasing or micky taking. We have had to work darn hard with him to teach him the right way to react.

He's had a pretty bad temper in the past and is prompted when things seem to be getting out of hand - he has now learned to 'check' himself. Although I assume your son is not special needs, the same kind of behaviour therapy, if you like, can be applied. You said he has 'physical differences' - is this the main reason for the 'bullying' ? I can pass on some tips if you're interested, but I won't witter on in case it's not appropriate for your boy

ICANDOTHAT, Yes please, any tips will be useful.

Is DS special needs? Well maybe. He does have an IEP at school, has some aspergers traits (but then he is male). We saw a psychologist 2 years ago, who suggested that he shouldn't be labelled as special needs, but then he isn't entirely a conventional kid ... who is?

His physical differences revolve around being born with syndactyly (skin webbed joining fingers and toes). He has scars on his hands from the surgery, and still has webbed toes.
He also has to contend with the fact that I'm disabled, and the other kids now refer to his mother as 'a spaz' , which he hates.

We have tried all the strategies we know, so any help would be appreciated.

Hi, I'm back. I think the first thing you need to do is address the bullying issue with his school direct . Talk to head and class teacher together. Let them know how the other children's comments are effecting both him and you. They should talk to the entire class about respect and tolerance of others. When my ds was dx I asked the whole class to come in one evening so I could talk to them about ADHD. I was absolutely pooping myself, but I did it amongst tears, but I got the message across and I also got a round of applause at the end

He obviously needs help in some form whether it be therapy (nothing heavy) or a behaviour plan at school to help him recognise how he is feeling and what triggers him. My son had a happy, sad and angry face that he could show to his teacher if something is worrying him ... he takes it to her and she's able to 'check' things before they kick off. He doesn't need this anymore and his only 6.5. I used 1-2-3 Magic at home, which is basically counting unacceptable behaviour until you get to 3 at which time, if it hasn't stopped, they get a 10 minute time out. After about a week, I only got to 2 .... these days it's 1 . The thing to remember is be consistent and keep talking to him. How he feels, what kind of day did he have, who did you hang out with etc etc. If he feels he can talk to you about anything, that will help as he gets older. (I also have a 13 year old).

The temper thing is probably important to address. Can I ask what his diet is like ? Sugars, preservatives etc. Does he take supplements? Sorry to go on and sound a bit 'heavy', but as you can imagine, I've done masses of research into this kind of stuff and those little bits make a huge difference to behaviour.

Oh, and forgot to add .... 'unconventional kid' - I think these children add to the brilliant diversity of human nature and without them, our world would be a very boring place! Well, I would say that wouldn't I ?

And on the 'man' thing, my husband def shows signs of 'weirdness' - bless him.

BUMPING for clumsymum

are you out there ? ... hope all is well

Hi clumsymum, my ds (aged 6) has a temper which can get him into trouble and also alienate friends because he then hits them and he is very tall for his age. I read a book which I found very useful, can't remember the book but it talked about an anger ladder. Imagine a ladder with the most inappropriate way of expressing anger at the bottom (physical violence) and the most appropriate at the top (calmly telling another person that you are upset and why and then being able to talk about it) The point is that anger has to be expressed, and we all start off as babies at the bottom of the ladder and our job as parents is to teach them how to move up the ladder. He also says many adults never reach the top!

The idea is that you look at the anger differently, he is angry. he needs to express it, your task over time is to teach him how. This means that when he is eg screaming and shouting at his sister (as my ds does) you let him finish and then when you talk to him, let him know that anger is normal and it is ok to express it (you felt very angry with your sister for messing up the train set didn't you? congratulate him for the ladder steps that he has moved up (eg you managed to stop yourself from hitting her this time, that is great because it shows you are learning self control) and point him towards the next step (next time you need to talk to her instead of screaming at her) Then you give him words and phrases that he CAN say. It takes a long time to move up a step, but I have found this VERY helpful in realising that I have a positive role in teaching him anger managment instead of just getting frustrated at him being angry.
I also take time to talk about how expressing anger inappropriately affects his friends (they don't want to play with him) and I give him words and phrases he can say when he is angry and help him to practise them so he has them ready.

Not sure if I've explained it very well, and not sure if it can help at school. If he is bright, you could even draw out the ladder and show him where he is and how he needs to move on.
Good luck, I love children who are different, where would the world be without them?