what to do when dc refuses to see exdp (dc dad)

[elmoandella]

will try again. got no response in another section

ds (3 in few weeks) refused point blank to get out car on sunday for his visit to see his dad at the old house.

tired to introduce everything slowly. first few times on own with exdp, i would meet him and we would swap them in car. ds has had 1 previous visit where he's dropped directly off to house. but this time he freaked out.

he had a blinking problem with his eyes before we moved that i thought wa poor eyesight. only for it to disappear when we moved house and ds was no longer witness to arguements or bad atmosphere.

i dont want to upset him and cause him to start twitching again.

since the move he's been a completely different child. more outgoing in all aspects.

exdp is a very lazy father. doesn't change dd nappy(18month), and either just sits them infront of tv with toys while he sleeps.

or else he'll drag them round the houses and his shops visiting lots of people.

ds is not great at the best of time when in company of people he doesn't know well.

he often goes in "shutdown " as we call it and will completely ignore visitors who come into the house or when he goes to visit others.

this was greatly improving since we moved house. however.... since he's started having regular access with his father without me being present it has returned... i'm just waiting on the twitching and eye problems starting again.

has anyone else come accross anything similar.

sorry its so long.

oh and dd couldn't care less. she's a social butterfly

Firstly, is the access your XP has court-mandated? If not, is he likely to be reasonable if you say that DS seems to be getting distressed at the moment, could you give him a bit of time and space?

I'm not suprised your DS doesnt want to spend time with his dad if all he does is sit in front of the tv or get dragged round the shops. he's hardly spending quality time with him is he?

it's not court ordered. sunday is the only day exdp shops are shut till lunch time. so i take them round first thing in morning.

he was forever trying to get to see them on half hrs notice. so i've basically forced this upon him as a set time/date thing. he's ok about it. but not thrilled as it means he cant be gambling till 7am as they arrive at 8/9am.

i will get dragged thru the mud if i stop taking ds regular.

but should i be forcing him to go?

What kind of terms are you on with your ex?

I only ask because it might be a good idea if you went with your DC's when they visited for a while to see if it relaxed DS a bit.

we were doing that originally but we ended up arguing constant.

plus i need the break

Given that your XP doesn't seem to be putting much effort into looking after his DC, is he really likely to go through all the bother of taking you to court if you say, look, it's upsetting DS to see you at the moment, can we leave it a couple of months? Or are there other family members (like XP's parents) who could see DS or be there for visits so DS is better looked after?

his parents live in italy. only people are his grown up kids who are

a)too selfish to give up their time to do it
b)exdp would end up doing absolutely nothing and leaving it all up to someone else

WHy does he want access to the DC at all, then? Is it just to annoy you? If so, he's not gonig to hassle if you restrict the access to once a month or whatever (I know DC should havea relationship with an absnet parent when possible for their sake, but if contact is upsetting a small child and the parent isn't bothered, why continue to upset the child?)

he insists he WANTS to see them. but it's more about control and being able to annoy and see me.

i do want the kids to see their father. . . but should i force ds to go in next week?? or do you think he would just be miserable the whole time?

I don't think you should force your DS as it doesn;t sound like he is getting any benefit out of the visits.
Is it possible that DS is being upset by his parents quarrelling at drop-off time though ie does his dad immediately start trying to pick a row with you when you arrive with the DC? Basically, what about getting someone else (a friend, maybe) to do the actual handover, so you don't have to see your XP? You don;t, after all, have to see him and it's perfectly OK to say you don't want any communication from him except regarding the DC (and if there are legal matters to sort out about your separation).
Basically the way to deal with XPs who use access as an opportunity to torment the other parent is simply to stop contact between you and the XP. If he has his DC's interest at heart, he will accept the situation as being in their best interests, if he';s really just interested in pestering you, he will back off.

well, i've told him the next visit he should do something fun with them. hopefully that will improve he situation

GOod luck.