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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD 14months is unsettled when we have visitors...

17 replies

nasr · 08/02/2009 21:29

Please help.... My dd has become really difficult when we have visitors, she has always been funny when we have visitors and I leave the room/walk away to make tea, but this weekend she took it to the next level. We had visitors on friday and I had to sit next t her on the floor while she played and when I was speak to my friend (who hadn't visited recenly so was prob not familiar) she would stand in front and pat my chest saying mummy, mummy mummy to get my attention.

Then worst of all today, my parents and sister, who she see almost every week came over and there was a lot of tears, she wouldn't go to any of them and she went red in the face and cried whenever dh or I left her side.... I am really concerned as this is really anti social behaviour and we are a sociable family.

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Racingsnake · 08/02/2009 22:34

I want to hear someone say this is normal as dd aged 2 is the same!

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 23:35

of course it's normal! It's just the child developing a more heightened awareness of what is going on around them; aware that your attention is being diverted, aware of other people around; and I believe 12 - 14 months onward is prime time for separation anxiety.

It's very, very normal and please don't read too much into it; she's not going to be 'anti-social', she's just a tiny toddler who is learning about the world. The more re-assurance she gets the better I think. I don't think you can 'train' kids out of this - well, maybe you can but at the cost of some of their self confidence IMHO - I think they need responding to and re-assurance and that is the way they come out of this phase quickest.

keels26 · 09/02/2009 11:35

My DD is same age as yours and always gets very upset if we have visitors who she doesnt know very well. I always explain to them that shes very shy and to let her come to them, which she does sometimes, and sometimes doesnt. Usually depends on the person, she seems to prefer men to women, not sure why!
For example her Auntie came round the other day and because she lives abroad DD hasnt seen her since she was a tiny baby, so basically she was a complete stranger to her. She cried at her when she walked in and then I suggested to her Auntie to pick up one of DDs night garden books (which she loves!) and DD came over and sat on her lap while her Auntie read her the story. Was actually very surprised that she felt ok to go over and sit on her lap, but she did it a few times. Do you think this could be something your DD would relate too or do you think it might be too much for her?

Original poster

nasr · 09/02/2009 12:29

Thank u for ur replys. Have tried the book thing sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, this weekend she just cried and wanted me to read it.

It is so hard to know what to do, whether to just sit with her and support her, which I normally do, and end up taking her with me to make drinks etc. I have been so patient but it just doesn't seem to be working and now I am letting my frustrations show.

Am trying to throw myself into toddler groups and am trying to leave her a couple of hours a week with grandma and friend. And have signed yp to a couple of mornings a week in nursery from sept to try and combat it. Don't know what else I can do.

I wonder if when she starts walking it will make a difference, but I thought the crawling would help and that hasn't....

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Leo9 · 09/02/2009 18:08

i think the best way to 'combat it' is to give in to it really. It's just a phase, it really won't last long and though it's inconvenient and hard work for you, I really do think and my experience with my own ds seems to have borne out, that if you give them what they need, eg, you, they come out of this phase all the quicker because they are secure

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 18:09

oops!

NAB09 · 09/02/2009 18:10

My DD was never good with more than us and her brother there, didn't like lots of noise. Is okay now. I am tempted to say that anything your child does (within certain reaons of course) is normal.
Just give her lots of cuddles and don't force her to mingle when she doesn't want too.

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 18:12

good advice, NAB. It is so important that they feel accepted for what and who they are.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/02/2009 18:17

Also bear in mind that in prehistoric times a stranger would probably mean danger, or even death, so we evolved a fear of strangers as a response.

Hence crying, being 'shy' or frightened of people other than closest family nowadays, to alert parents to a perceived threat.

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 19:34

Good point Boys...we forget often that this is a hard-wired safety mechanism; children often cling very close to their carers as by instinct they know how much they need them!

Also wanted to recommend doing some reading on child development, not that you don't know anything nasr, just that it's SO easy as parents to worry about things that are actually part of normal development. Also it's so easy to 'leap forward' in our minds and imagine that a behaviour will last forever! We all do it I imagine

Tallfi · 09/02/2009 22:42

Don't worry, we've just gone through that - lasted about 2-3 months and seems to have stopped in the last couple of weeks (DS is now 15 months) - one thing that I finally realised helped him was making sure that I was holding him when I opened the door to people so he was high up - I wondered whether there was some kind of dominance thing going on - and now that he has started walking the problem seems to have disappeared - in retrospect he was more disturbed by loud children who were upright when he was still crawling. Anyway, I hope it settles soon - I was so upset about it when we were going through it - imagined that he'd never make friends and also that mine would stop inviting us over to avoid the hystrionics! Good luck!

thecloudhopper · 10/02/2009 21:17

This sounds lik separation angsiety. You D has work out the she is no longer a part of you. Short times when she is lesft with grandparents ect should help.

thecloudhopper · 10/02/2009 21:18

This sounds lik separation angsiety. You D has work out the she is no longer a part of you. Short times when she is lesft with grandparents ect should help.

Original poster

nasr · 10/02/2009 21:34

Thank u again for advice and support. Going down the reassurance route like you suggest and trying to ignore my frustrations with it. Boys I really like ur thoughts makes senses I guess.

Were at my sisters today who had a party for nephews 1st birthday and she was much better than usual and even went off to explore.

Have arranged visitors for this thurs pm some familiar faces so will report progress if you interested.

Thank you again.

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Racingsnake · 10/02/2009 21:36

Boys, that does make sense. It struck me as strange that DD is so loud and confident with me, DH or my mother who lives with us, but will not stay one minute in a room without one of us. But your theory makes sense. Am hoping she will grow out of it when she is 3.

Original poster

nasr · 10/02/2009 21:36

Oh and cloudhopper have arranged a two hr visit to fav grandma's for thurs. Yippee...

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