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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I've really messed up - have I affected DD's eating habits for good?

19 replies

brightongirldownunder · 07/02/2009 04:27

Its taken me a long time to admit this, as I've had the year from hell, moving to the other side of the world and then moving twice in Sydney, plus having to fly back to UK to evict tenants in our house. I think this is why I've caused this problem. I was going to namechange, but reckon those that know me on here will hopefully understand.

Basically DD (22m) has always been a bad eater. She has moments when she'll eat an adult portion of food, but in general just isn't particularly very interested in anything but meat, fish and tomatoes. When we arrived in Australia, it got so bad that I started to play one of her DVD's to her while she was eating - it seemed to work and she started eating reasonably well. The problem is that was 11 months ago and she's still doing it. I know its wrong, so wrong and I'm desperate for her just to eat normally, but after being so exhausted this year, and too far from any help I don't know what to do.
She doesn't really watch TV, but it doesn't justify what I have done. I feel like such a crap mother.
Please help. She's the most amazing little person - so bright and witty and i feel like this is the only real mistake i've made with her. But what a mistake...
I should also add that I am paranoid about her losing weight ( she's quite chubby at the moment and looks the peak of health) which probably stems back to my eating disorders when I was younger.
please be honest with me - I know i deserve slating for this.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 07/02/2009 07:05

Good lord woman - give yourself a break! You've said "She's the most amazing little person - so bright and witty". Well, congratulations, because your parenting skills have supported her to become that bright, witty, amazing person.

Having a television on while she eats just isn't the end of the world.

I too have long standing issues with food, and also feel that the one area of parenting where I struggle is with dd's food fussiness (she won't eat fruit or veg in any recognisable form ).

I know how easy it is to pin all your fears and worries on that one area, and convince yourself that you are setting your child up for a lifetime of issues with eating.

Please, please, talk to us some more and let's see if we can help to give you some perspective on this.

Are you beating your child - no
Are you starving your child - no
Are your neglecting your child - no

Are you doing something which you will you will be able to change over time if it matters to you - yes, probably.

Please don't feel crap. You do know that this about your own fears and issues about food, don't you. It's really nothing to do with being a crap parent at all.

I really do understand your fear - I hope we can help you recognise it for what it is.

Littlefish · 07/02/2009 07:06

Oh, and by the way - absolutely no chance of a slating from me

RaspberryBlower · 07/02/2009 07:14

I think you are beating yourself up about this unecessarily and nobody is going to slate you. What have you done wrong, other than to be a good mum and try to get your baby to eat?

I can understand, though, that this will be tapping into your own issues with food. You do sound stressed about it. I imagine she'll grow out of this in time. And tbh, the way you're most likely to affect her eating habits is by getting overly anxious about stuff around food, so try to relax.

What happens if you don't play the dvd?

twentypence · 07/02/2009 07:20

Loads of people have the TV on when they eat. My entire childhood was Findus crispy pancakes and TV.

I neither have an eating disorder or a TV addiction.

You have had a crap year and done what got you through the day. Chill.

SniffyHock · 07/02/2009 07:27

Don't be so hard on yourself. Do whatever you can to feed her and wean her off the telly when she gets older (by 3 she'll be able to chat at mealtimes if you eat together so it will happen naturally).

Sorry you've been having such a hard time - no slatings here either

georgimama · 07/02/2009 07:48

When my brother was 3 he would eat nothing (and I do mean nothing) but cheese on toast. My mum was not the sort that "did" health visitors or visits to the doctor but this got her worried enough to go.

Doctor's answer? Give him cheese on toast. He won't starve.

Said brother is now six feet five and a semi pro-basketball player so no harm done.

He no longer eats cheese on toast.

I would agree with other posters that being anxious around her about food is more likely to cause her problems than having a DVD on.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2009 08:07

You are being way too hard on yourself. You haven't ruined her for life-she will cope later on with eating without a DVD.
I think problems are more likely to come with your anxieties around food. Try and relax and not worry about it. My DSs were quite chubby as toddlers, they are beanpole teens now!

dearprudence · 07/02/2009 08:21

When you say you're paranoid about her losing weight does that mean you don't want her to lose any, or you think she is a bit too chubby?

Either way, you're obviously trying to get her to eat as varied and sensible diet as you can, and if one of your tricks has been to use a DVD, so what? My DS is 6 and is not a brilliant eater, but you change things little by little and you choose your battles. There's time to train her out of the DVD habit (if you want to) when she is a bit older and you have the energy to tackle it.

Sorry you've had a tough year.

Buda · 07/02/2009 08:39

I did exactly the same with DS when he was little to get him to sit still long enough to eat. It was a choice of putting him in the high chair and feeding him and then a battle as he was more interested in getting down or putting Barney on the video and being able to feed him properly and us both enjoying it more.

In the realms of parenting crimes it is a non-entity!

keels26 · 07/02/2009 08:54

Dont be too hard on yourself. When your child wont eat its a very worrying time and all you have done is distract her from thinking about food by letting her watch a DVD, at the end of the day at least she ate! Shes still little so you should be able to get her out of that habit when you are ready too. Your certainly not the only Mum who has ever done this, one of my friends used to play her mobile phone ring tones to her DS while he was eating just to get him to eat something!
Try not too worry too much, Im sure it will sort itself out in the end. Good luck xx

CapricaSix · 07/02/2009 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadFairy · 07/02/2009 09:23

Great post capricasix, I'm going to cut and paste it in to a word document. Hopefully I'll never have to use it! I see my sister having food battles with her girls and she does the opposite of everything you (and franny) say. It makes me shudder sometimes. I really want to avoid it.

I hope things with your dd improve soon brightongirl.

RaspberryBlower · 07/02/2009 09:37

I've cut and pasted it too - brilliant post Caprica.

Original poster

brightongirldownunder · 07/02/2009 13:23

You know this is why I joined MN. Thankyou so much.

I've been beating myself up so much about this and realise now that it is probably my paranoia about her becoming as obsessed with food as i was in my teens. I desperately want her to enjoy eating = she loves flavours, especially savoury, and isn't really bothered about pudding. I'll just work on what she likes and slowly pull her away from the dvds. She always eats something when we go out, so I know she doesn't have a fear of food - just isn't that interested in eating much of it I suppose. Its just that I'm scared of her being skinny I suppose.
caprica I'm going to keep that on my fridge - great advice.
Little fish - yes, I probably need to sort out my fear of food in order to chill out with her eating habits. When I feel confident enough I may post something on here.

I'll try and stay calm. At least I don't have to worry about moving again for a while.

OP posts:

BlueBumedFly · 07/02/2009 14:28

Please do not worry, you are so not a crap mother!!

When my DD (22 months) is at home she eats in front of a DVD, it is the only way she will eat. However, I know she is playing me for a fool as she eats breakfast, lunch and tea at Nursery, she eats at playdates with her friends sitting together round the table, she eats at my Mums not watching the TV and she eats (really well!) in restaurants when we go out.

So knows I am a soft touch, she was so poorly for her first 14 months with reflux that I let her eat wherever. I am concentrating on other things at the moment like not hitting and sharing. There is too much to worry about to get upset over this honey.

How about you take her to a coffee shop once in a while, let her eat lunch there where there is no TV, I am sure she will be just fine!

DD only eats when she is hungry, nothing or no-one can get her to do otherwise. At nursery they are amazed if she says no to a yogurt or biscuit or pudding but the way she sees it she is full, end of story. I am envious!! I wish I could do that. She is healthy and lovely and her trousers constantly fall down as she has no bum!

CapricaSix · 07/02/2009 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twentypence · 07/02/2009 19:11

My brother ate hamburgers and chocolate cake for a whole year - he is now a vegan and eats more veggies in a single meal than my mum (she of the Findus crispy pancakes) eats in a month.

ready2pop · 07/02/2009 19:47

I've let my 11 month old DS fall into exactly the same habit. He is a dreadful eater but with the distraction of the TV he'll happily eat.

I do feel guilty about it and I know it is not ideal...but we've had problems with him losing weight in the past so if TV is what it takes to get him to eat then so be it as far as I am concerned.

As someone else said, I am hoping that as he gets bigger and can join in more at meal times he won't need the distraction so much and we can phase it out.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

LuLuBai · 08/02/2009 08:48

Hi Brightongirl down under - my DD is about the same age as yours and has always been on the thin side (occasionally so you can see her ribs which is awful in a toddler).

I am really anxious for her not to inherit any of the food / weight issues that have plagued women in my family so I try to take a very relaxed approach to meal times.

As far as my DD is concerned eating is OK (she will try out different flavours - loves olives etc) but there are more interesting things in life than eating. Mealtims interupt valuable play time as far as she is concerned. So, yes, I do have the tv on quite often while she eats as it encourages her to stay in one place and possibly pop mouthfulls in her mouth while she is distracted.

I try to vary this so that not all meals are at home. This is a slightly expensive habit but I quite often take her out to a cafe and share a sarnie with her for lunch. She enjoys the change in environment and will sit at a table for a bit and possibly eat a bit. I also try to ensure that at weekends we have family meals with DH round the dining table.

But in all honesty on weekdays when it is just me and her, she has the tv on during breakfast and supper most days. I actually slightly time her supper around programmes she enjoys on CBeebies

It's not the end of the world. Relax and stop beating yourself up. You've had a hard year and toddlers are REALLY hard work! If TV during meals is the worst parenting sin you've committed you are worthy of a medal.

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