My 8 year old niece has tantrums of epic proportions!

[Monkeygi]

Okay so not strictly my problem but it's worrying my sis so thought I'd put this to all you wise mumsnetters out there. The best way to describe is to give you an example of a recent tantrum. My sis bought my niece a pink digital alarm clock as she had requested 'one with numbers'. When she gave it to her, she took one look and threw this huge tantrum, saying it was wrong etc and ending by throwing the clock out of the bedroom. (I have to say here that I haven't seen any tantrums myself so this is all hearsay, if you like). Sis says that she will always buy something for DN1 if she buys something for DN2 and did this recently with a top. This was received in much the same way. Is this 'normal' behaviour for a girl of this age? Or should sis be concerned?

well... how does your sister deal with it? perhaps your niece is just ussed to getting her own way???
it's hard to say whether it's normal or not without knowing more i think.

tbh if my child reacted like that when given a gift it would be removed immediately and the child would be given a very good talking to on appropriate behaviour on receiving gifts.

My dd had massive tantrums and you just have to live with that.

However, you don't have to live with ungracious ungrateful behaviour like this. Unless your dn has real problems,
I would be very stern on this one.

Completely normal sad to say.........I have three girls, 14, 13 (next week) and 10, and I find that from 8yrs on, they tantrum worse than they did as toddlers.

tis the hormones starting!!!

advise your sis to get in lots of wine, earplugs (both for her), and a lock for the bedroom door to contain her DD!

oh, and wish her lots of luck, it doesn;t really calm down until the start their periods, altho it is only constant for about 2yrs, then goes to 1wk per month going on my experience (still in the midst of it with DD3)

She sounds spoilt - my DD is 8.5 and hasn't had a tantrum for years.

She knows it gets her nowhere and isn't appropriate behaviour for a child of that age - they can talk and tell you what is wrong.

My DD is 9, and like MC's DD, has not had a tantrum in years.

But then I wouldn't just go out and buy a new alarm clock 'with numbers' just because my DD had demanded requested it.

My DD would have to earn the money by doing chores, save up her pocket money or wait until her birthday. She then appreciates what she is given, or has bought herself, and looks after it.

Dd had tantrums right up until she was 10. Tantrums can be a sign of mental ill health or emotional problems or extreme stress or merely extreme sensitivity. Not necessarily of being spoilt. Dd's tantrums were to do with the fact that she was continually disbelieved she was ill and in pain (she is now recognised as disabled). Ds's friend has tantrums because his mum is dying. Db had tantrums because of early attachment problems and stress around his adoption. Neither of these three children have been spoiled.

Some children do have problems that are so bad that they can't talk about them. Or know that talking about them won't help. Or have difficulties communicating.

However, it sounds as if your sister is actually planning her life around avoiding tantrums and letting her dd know that she is doing this. Bad idea. I have lived a great part of my life with tantrumming children and they need the stability of knowing that household rules still apply. It may bring on a tantrum but it also makes them more secure. You need to show that you have expectations of them as decent people. And ingratitude is a dreadful habit.

But cory, thouse are genuine reasons for frustration and rage.

Not liking gifts you are given (a top and alarmclock) and screaming and shouting about them sounds like ingratitude x 10.

Very different from being in pain or grieving.

I stand by what I said, that if children were give less material goods, or had to earn what they were given, they would hold each item in greater appreciation.

But Marmaduke, I did say ingratitude was a real problem that had to be addressed. I said it twice, in two separate posts!!!

I said I would be very stern with this, I said it was a dreadful habit. Read my posts, honestly. There is no way I would have put up with this from dd.

I just resented the suggestion that all you need to do is not to spoil children and they won't have tantrums. Some children (even without serious problems) are extremely over-sensitive and will have tantrums whatever you do. You can still stop them from being ungrateful little sods though.

I was agreeing with you!

I was saying, ovbiously completely ineffectively, that your examples were accaptable incidences for having a good rant and scream for any child (or adult come to that).

The OP's DN's tantrums seem to be directly linked to being given things that are not exactly what she wanted, the op gives no other scenario - although I accept that there may be other times when this particular child acts out.

I didn't for one minute either mean, or try to imply, that your DD was screaming because she was ungrateful or spoilt.

(I didn't actually use the word spoilt in my post, I used the word appreciate)

My 9yo has become very hormonal. She is generally the sweetest girl, and I've always been very careful to set boundaries about behaviour.

She has started to have tantrums, and to cry at the drop of a hat. I guess what matters is how I deal with them.

Hormones do come into it at this age, there is no two ways about it. But as you say, it's about how you deal with it. It will pass.

Thinking more about the child in the OP: I have only ever known one child like this, and it did seem in this case as if the way she was spoilt and indulged was a way for her mum not to have to connect with her emotionally iyswim. Every neighbour seemed to have an anecdote about the dd's spoilt behaviour which could clearly only have emanated from the mum. I couldn't help wondering if the mum wouldn't have been better engaged taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it rather than telling the neighbours. It seemed rather disloyal and as if she found it easier to connect with other people than with her dd. Some sort of bonding problem I imagine. But the child had everything and could breathtakingly rude and outwardly uncaring. She grew up with serious problems.

Cory I have replied to your two posts to me above.

sorry, yes I see it. We are on the same side, really, Marmaduke

She isn't, generally, a badly behaved child at all. IMO. Although my sis says that she can be sly(?). I don't know how, though. She has never been shy of saying she doesn't like a gift, or that she already has one or whatever. But, there has been a lot of upheaval in her life recently- sis is getting married again, and has recently had a new baby with the new partner, so maybe dn is feeling more unsettled. It's difficult, though, to give advice to my sister. (as to amyone, maybe.) I personally feel that she spoils the children too much and agree with Marmaduke that children should earn extras. AND be properly appreciative if they're given a present! I advised her not to buy her any more gifts other than Xmas/birthday (or other special occasion)and tell dn that that behaviour is unacceptable.
But then, I'm only a big sis and she probably won't take my advice anyway!

Thank you, cory

Ahh, well she does sound like she has a lot going on in her life and is generally quite stressed about the situation.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.