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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! DD just had a huge tantrum over food- I feel like a nervous wreck (long!)

45 replies

RinkyDinkyPinky · 05/02/2009 14:22

DD1 has just had a huge tantrum which lasted an hour. I cooked lunch for DD1 and I- pasta and red peppers with cheese and she picked out the pasta/ cheese and refused the peppers. I suggested that she try some pepper and she cried (I'm sure she's eaten red pepper before) so I said that there would be no desert (little cakes we cooked yesterday) until she'd had some pepper.
She cried more and more and started to scream. I just got on with cleaning the kitchen and calmly reminded her that she just needed to try some and that I love her very much and I want her to be healthy and strong etc. She continued to cry/ scream for nearly an hour and I tried to keep calm and kept reassuring her that I love her and it's ok, but I wanted her to try the pepper.
In the end I threw the little cakes in the bin and said that I was very disappointed that she wouldn't try the pepper. She just kept on crying and I felt so worn out that I shouted at her. Which of course made her cry more, so I hugged her and tried to explain why it's so important to me and that I love her very much etc. But maybe that was too much because she crawled onto the kitchen floor and sobbed and then closed her eyes as if she wanted to sleep/ pass out.
I picked her up and took her to her cot and gave her a big hug and told her that it's all ok.

I am a trembling wreck now and on the verge of tears myself

The tantrum was about an hour long (she has v few tantrums- not used to this at all)
I don't want DD1 to distrust me (because I lost my temper/ shouted)
I do want her to eat properly/ try foods (she's tried a few times in the last week to avoid eating her veg, but has always eaten it when she sees that I'm serious and that she won't get a yoghurt unless she finishes her peas etc.)
I don't want to turn food into a battle ground

What should I have done differently?

TIA
I may not be able to answer posts straight away as DD2 is waking up now...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 15:24

Ooh - sounds lovely! I'd have celeriac over swede any day

desertgirl · 05/02/2009 16:16

I know what you are all saying about not withholding pudding etc - but would you give a child cake who has refused to eat anything else (without obvious reason)?

ProfYaffle · 05/02/2009 16:25

fwiw I think you maybe tried to reason with her a bit too much. I'm not sure a 2.4yo would understand the whole 'it's because I love you, want you to be healthy' etc etc.

My dd1 (4) is a fussy eater (fortunately dd2 isn't!) I've learned the best response is no response, as said earlier, a shrug and 'oh well, maybe next time'.

TheProvincialLady · 05/02/2009 16:37

In this case destergirl, the DD had eaten her meal except for the pepper. We don't have cake type puddings very often, it's almost always fruit and plain yoghurt. If I was planning something more exciting I would not let on to DS in advance If he did know but wouldn't eat a meal I knew he liked I think I would still let him have some pudding but a small amount in the hope that he would want to return to his meal later. If not and he went to bed hungry it would be his problem IMO.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/02/2009 16:38

My DD is 2.3 and I am pretty sure she would not understand the concept of healthy eating yet!

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 17:21

"If I was planning something more exciting I would not let on to DS in advance" - agree. If we'd made cakes, and I'd said we'd have them after dinner, then yes, at this age certainly I'd do it.

BUT - that's not to say I don't have sympathy with the OP. there are always occasions when you start down one path, it goes wrong, you spend ages second-guessing yourself, and before you know it, an hour has passed in a dispute over a sock/a bit of pepper/the colour of playdough.

Mimia · 05/02/2009 17:44

Desertgirl, its not that I would let DD live on cake alone, but I don't want puddings/sweet things to be a reward or something to be attained or special. I wouild prefer it if she saw these foods as part of a normal balanced diet. I similarly would not let her live on carrots alone. My attitude (and I am aware that I stand out in my group of mummy friends in this) is that if you don't want it, don't eat it, but that is what is on offer for lunch, dinner etc so she won't get an alternative. I'm not going to sit and persuade her to eat one mouthful because she is not going to waste away and it is not one of the battles I pick with her.

However, I would just like to add that she is not extremely fussy and so that is why I don't choose it as a battle. I have every sympathy for those with truly fussy eaters, but not much sympathy for the "oh go on, just another mouthful you haven't had enough" brigade.

Original poster

RinkyDinkyPinky · 05/02/2009 18:29

Just a quick post to say that a lot of sense has been talked here and I think I've learned a lot today- about a lot of things. Thank you v much everyone for your contributions.

We all had a really good afternoon drawing shapes, playing hide and seek and laughing. And there was no issue at all with dinner (fish fingers and lots of veg all disappeared without a word from me).

OP posts:

desertgirl · 05/02/2009 18:47

provincial lady, didn't mean to suggest your DD had not eaten anything but cake; just that my DS (2.6), recently, if he even has an inkling that there is cake in the house, does his level best to refuse to eat anything else, even things he likes, shouting 'CAKE'.

And I am not quite sure how to deal with this. Did find myself giving in to the temptation to say 'only if you eat your dinner' when we happened to have some muffins in recently; but then thought I shouldn't have.

HomeintheSun · 05/02/2009 19:27

I am going through the food battle, my DS is 2.2 years and everyday I feel like I'm cooking for my dogs as they get DS' dinner. DS has now decided that he won't eat anything wet (sauces other than ketchup) he will eat dry pasta, he won't eat rice, mash or boiled potato. When he was younger he was a great eater, but now I'm trying to take no notice or the bad eating and reward good eating, I do still give him the yoghurt after dinner even if he hasn't eaten anything.

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 19:44

Umm, tricky, desertgirl. Any chance you can keep cake well out of his sight for a few weeks and just keep telling him there isn't any? It may be just a wee phase.

desertgirl · 05/02/2009 20:00

yes probably, will be good for me too!

Luckily DD (14 months) appears to be of the 'if its edible I'll eat it - and possibly even if it isn't' persuasion.

I am intrigued by your name, by the way, is it meant as a form of 'darling' (Arabic) or something else?

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 20:01

No, it's something I interpreted from dd's babbling when she was very wee, and we used it as a kind of nickname for her, and then someone on MN told me about the Arabic Habbibi, which made me really happy!

cory · 06/02/2009 09:29

I have been known to make them eat main course to get some pudding. I don't think that in itself does the damage. What you want to avoid is everyone getting emotional about food. Brisk and cheerful and don't let it drag out.

I think the reason why I can get away with a no-pudding rule is because I genuinely don't get that upset about food. I can cope with the thought of them eating some unhealthy food, but I also don't believe their health will come to any harm if they don't eat at all one night. Either way, I'm unlikely to get emotional about it. (there are other issues that I can't cope with in the same detached way, of course )

If you can maintain that frame of mind, then I think you can enforce almost any rule. But if you do get very upset or worried, I would keep all food confrontation to a minimum and settle for some rule that is based around the clock (like will take away if not eaten within 10 minutes).

fruitful · 06/02/2009 12:40

Been there, done that. . Ds1 threw up his dinner once, cos I insisted he taste the rice. [sigh].

Can't hide the veg here, ds1 wants everything dry and separate. He likes peas and sweetcorn, but if you dare to cook them mixed up together . We spent a long time getting to the point where he didn't look at his plate, burst into tears at the sight of something unfamiliar/unexpected/wrongly presented, and run away and hide.

We are now at the point where he will consent to leave the unacceptable food untouched on his plate. This is progress, believe me. I keep putting the stuff on his plate. Every so often he surprises me by quietly trying something new. I pretend I haven't noticed, this works best with him.

I don't give pudding if they don't eat a lot of the first course. I tried all the "giving pudding anyway" thing, and gave up after a week of them only eating pudding. I've tried just not doing puddings, and ds1 lost weight, which he really can't afford to do.

I just keep reminding myself that in about 10 years time I won't be able to stop them eating, all day long!

CapricaSix · 06/02/2009 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimia · 06/02/2009 18:55

CapricaSix, what a wonderful way of looking at it! We seriously struggle with the peeing and sleeping, but we have always been extremely lucky with the eating!

Shylily · 07/02/2009 11:27

Don't you hate it when you say you'll do something and then you feel you have to follow through? I've been there way too many times then kicked myself for days afterwards. All part of that motherhood guilt thing1
Look at it in the context of a whole life ahead and one day of not trying a food won't feel so bad.
I don't link main course and dessert. If there's dessert, DS gets it pretty much regardless of what he's eaten. If there's not, he doesn't notice. I figure that if dessert is yogurt, fruit, home-made cake once in a while that it doesn't really matter. (If he's eaten nothing at all I don't offer a second choice - he just gets down and waits til next mealtime).
You can't make another person eat things (whether they're an adult or a child). All you can do is serve them healthy food and hope that they'll eat it (or ram in a couple of mouthfulls while they're destracted like I'm doing with my 2-year old at the moment)!
Give yourself a break and remember that when she's 20 she'll be very unlikely to throw herself on the floor if you suggest she tries a red pepper!

CapricaSix · 07/02/2009 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomeintheSun · 07/02/2009 18:25

CapricaSix I've been like that over mushrooms, I've never liked them to me the texture is too much like slugs, I do cook with them as DH likes them and I just pick them out but DS (when he was eating) would never eat them, but at least I know I haven't pushed my hate for them onto him.

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