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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

20 month old girl showing favouritism

11 replies

strugglingdad · 03/02/2009 16:31

We have a 20 month old girl who has started being quite nasty to my wife when we are both with her.

When she's just with me she';s fine, when she's just with mum she's fine, but when we're both there she won't cuddle her mum or respond to her at all but she's all over me.

This is really upsetting my wife and she's finding it very hard to deal with.

As a bit of background, I work 5 or 5 and a half days a week, mum works 3 days a week and our little girl is in nursery for those 3 days (which she seems to enjoy).

Is this unusual or not and how should we deal with it?

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lindenlass · 03/02/2009 16:33

Not unusual. Upsetting, but not unusual. Only way to deal with it is not to force your DD or she'll just get more upset. I think you just need to wait until she's grown out of it, and she will, before too long.

littlelyn · 03/02/2009 16:48

Hi - my daughter started doing this with us around about the same age and I had that awful thought of being nudged out and Daddy's "little princess" ruling the roost. The spell was very short lived as it transpired that she was mimicking an incident which had occurred at her nursery. She was in a group of 2-3 year olds and girls in particular - even at this young age - have a tendancy to pick and choose and change their favourite friend from one day/hour to the next. Maybe another girl at the nursery has upset your little girl? Perhaps worth having a word with the nursery first.

PrettyCandles · 03/02/2009 16:52

Not unusual. 2y3m ds2 (our 3rd dc) has always shown a distinct preference for my dh. He developed separation anxiety for dh and about 8m, but not for me until at least 12m. When I made and effort to interact with him more, rather than just hand him over to dh when he came home from work, ds2 became closer to me. I was knackered from lack of sleep and dh had taken over all the evening adn weekend childcare, despite my being a SAHM and him working full time.

That said, your dd is responding to her mum's reaction. She means nothing malicious at this age. It's purely "Oooh something happens when I do this." It's a way of manipulating her environment - just like discovering that the blocks will stack this way but not that, and will fall over when she pushes but not when she blows at them.

The best thing I can suggest is that your dw chills about it. Tough, I know, but important. It's the same with almost all negative behaviour - don't reinforce it.

Also, have a look at what the two of you are doing together. If your dd kicks up, do you pacify her, or just accept that she's pissed off but continue as before.

Original poster

strugglingdad · 04/02/2009 10:52

Thanks for the feedback everybody.

Is this type of behaviour covered in any books? I've looked at lots and they only seem to deal with favouritism of parents towards their children, not the other way round.

OP posts:

cory · 04/02/2009 11:19

Favouritism is quite an emotive word, it sounds as if your dd was being unfair. She is only a baby you know. Babies are unfair by definition, they don't do fair.

It is perfectly normal for a child to express preference for one parent, and it is perfectly normal for this preference to switch several times during the early years.

And it is perfectly normal for the main carer to be ignored when a more interesting person turns up. Sign of security.

The only thing is that the person who is currently being pushed out must not show their feelings: otherwise your little girl will feel more comfortable with the happier parent.

GooseyLoosey · 04/02/2009 11:31

It happened to me when ds was about 18 months (and is actually what brought me here), it lasted for about a year.

He was fine when we were alone, but if dh was there he would turn away from me and only want dh.

My advice is this:

Do not underestimate the effect that this has on your wife. It broke my heart to be rejected by my child (as that is how it felt) and made me angry at both ds and dh. Be supportive of your wife and don't try and brush it off (dh kepy saying it was nothing - he meant well, but it didn't help).

Hard as it is, your wife needs to keep offering unconditional love to your dd. I would say to ds - "OK, you hug daddy, but I am always here if you need a hug from me and I love you very much". This is the last thing she may want to say at times but if you force yourself to, it almost becomes a habit.

Never force the issue with your dd. I have to admit, we did once and it was awful and a terrible mistake. You cannot make a very young child responsible and feel guilty for not loving you or making you feel loved (tempting though it is).

It really is a phase, but can go on for a while. Ds is 5 now and he seems to love me as unconditionally as I love him!

biskybat · 04/02/2009 11:34

My DD used to be such a mummy's girl but in the last couple of months she has switched her affections to daddy, its not anything your wife has done, they are just fickle at this age and go through these phases

Habbibu · 04/02/2009 11:35

Argh - it is tough. dd's favourite between us varies from day to day, but one thing we do do that seems to help is be very affectionate to each other in front of her - so if it's a mummy day, and she refuses to give DH a hug, I'll say "well, I'm going to give Daddy a big hug", and then we'll hug, make funny faces at her, and she joins in.

CatchaStar · 04/02/2009 11:38

Totally normal, it can be very upsetting. But your wife will be flavour of the month in no time

Jjou · 04/02/2009 13:48

I know how your DW feels: my DD is such a Daddy's girl! When she's tired or upset she only wants him, to the extent that she'll sometimes scream the place down if I'm the one to offer comfort. It hurts, definitely, but it'll pass. I was the same at her age apparently and I love both my parents equally now! I give her as many hugs and kisses as I can get in, and bide my time.

Wiltedrose · 05/02/2009 14:33

Very tough - my 2 1/2 year old will say things to me like 'I like Daddy but I don't like you, Mummy', or she'll say 'I like Daddy better than you'. It does break your heart as a mother, but you have to try and not show them that it gets to you - or otherwise it's another button for them to push.

The most important thing is to keep a united front, let your dd see you as a 'team' that won't be divided. If there is something particular that your dd refuses to let her mother do (like bathtime) then make sure you are clear to her that you will alternated bathtime, so tonight Daddy will do it and tomorrow Mummy will do it. It's very tempting to withdraw when your child pushes you away but don't as it'll make things worse in the long run.

there's an article on this in this month's Junior mag - might be worth popping out and buying it for your wife just so she knows it's a common problem and that she's not the only one having to deal with it!

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