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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please describe your 4 year old to me

17 replies

fadingfast · 02/02/2009 22:11

My four year old DS has been increasingly difficult to cope with over the past few weeks and I don't know why. Is this just a phase?

He is (at times) sullen, rude, uncooperative, stubborn and petulant. In fact, I am finding it very hard to like him at the moment. Is this hormones or what? He seems quite troubled but I can't think what could have caused it as we have had no big upheavals recently. He has had a cold for weeks and also had a big growth spurt but I don't think this can excuse all his behaviour. At the weekend he had a huge tantrum, which hasn't happened for well over a year.

I have friends who are also experiencing similar problems so I know we are not alone, but do we just sit tight and wait for it to pass? I realise he is 'testing' us but I've no idea whether to be firm or whether to let things go a bit (as my mum seems to think we should be doing). Please help!

OP posts:

mwasc · 02/02/2009 22:26

Could be a case of winning the war and not fighting every battle if you understand. life is confusing at that age. you could always speak to health visitor or school nurse for tips as they can help. i know a friend got good advice.

mynewnickname · 02/02/2009 22:35

Has he started school this year? If so could it be tiredness? Ds's behaviour is noticeably worse when he's tired.

smellyeli · 02/02/2009 22:35

My 4 year old is a great big unpredictable bundle of testosterone. I love him to bits but he drives me mad! He sounds just like your boy.

He is just starting to realise that there is a lot more to the world than just him, very influenced by stuff he sees on telly or hears on the radio, worrying about the smallest change, worrying about death etc. He's also had a cold and been very tired.

We have settled on a treatment of: more sleep where possible, lots of positive feedback, stepping up his level of responsibility for things, being firm most of the time (especially weekdays trying to get out of the door!) and then deliberately letting things go at the weekend - occasional treats, telly, trips.

It's very tiring but I can still see the real him underneath it all. I just keep reminding myself that he's still very little and needs consistency. This too shall pass!

Original poster

fadingfast · 02/02/2009 22:59

No. Not at school until September but I am already worried about how he will behave there! I think tiredness is definitely a factor and I do agree that he is suddenly much more aware of the world around him. He seems to be very fearful of other people, particularly children (other than those he already knows) and I worry that he seems to be losing confidence rather than gaining it.

I do think there is a danger at this age, when they seem so articulate and 'grown up', to forget that they are still very little and emotionally immature. It just seems to be a step backwards rather than forwards IYSWIM.

OP posts:

mynewnickname · 03/02/2009 08:43

Ds gets fearful sometimes and as far as I can, if I know there's going to be something he's scared of, I brief him a lot beforehand and we talk about it all. It doesn't always solve the problem but it helps.

How much does he go to preschool?

Lizzylou · 03/02/2009 08:47

Oh, my DS1 is almost 5 and had been like this a few weeks ago, and has had phases of this over the past year or so.
This past week or so he has been wonderful, really lovely.
I find that he gets over tired and also anxious about his little brother getting all the attention.
We find that keeping on praising the good, ignoring the bad (as much as you can), lots of love and cuddles and also getting him involved in more "grown up" activities (cooking/cleaning/tidying doing things his younger brother can't do) really helps, but it will pass, have no fear.

CharleeheartsherChains · 03/02/2009 08:48

DS is going through a ehem 'challenging' time at the moment, he is whinging about everything 'mummy ds2 is shouting' 'mummy dn looked at me funny' this is constant so is a real drain.

He has suddenly gone from being a child who eats everything to a quite fussy one i think its a control thing, it.e i will eat what i want to rather than what you give me. I am trying to let him have some more choices but not control over me, if i dish something up i know he has eaten before then he doesn't get dessert untill its gone.

He is also being very stubborn and lazy which isn't like him, we have at least an hour every evening now of tantrums becuase he wont tidy up, again he doesn't get to do anything untill its done.

I know boys get a huge testosterone boost at 4 and again at 6.

CharleeheartsherChains · 03/02/2009 08:49

Also if it helps we use 1.2.3 magic (you can get it for a couple of quid on Amazon) and it really has worked for us.

Mummyella · 03/02/2009 14:19

My 4 yr old daughter has days / weeks like this.

Just an idea - how is his hearing? My children both have glue ear and their behaviour takes a nosedive when they can't hear well. It is not always obvious either as they lipread, and hide it really well.

Now I monitor their hearing by watching their behaviour. When the angry tantrums start I know it is time to make a doc's appointment

Elibean · 03/02/2009 15:17

Another who has found 4 (with dd) the hardest age, in terms of moodiness and mood swings....I think hormones do play a huge part in girls as well as boys, as well as growing awareness etc.

For us, there was a strong element of ride-it-out...and it did pass...but we also found dd needed more responsibility in some areas (more independence) and clearer boundaries/limits in others. Then - although she still had mood swings - she felt both seen, and safe, and was easier to manage when she did get moody.

And loads of reassurance, too

Loopymumsy · 03/02/2009 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fadingfast · 03/02/2009 19:50

Thanks. Some reassurance there so I guess we just need to hang on in there. He does have days when he seems back to his old self so it is very much Jekyll and Hyde (sp?) at the moment. I did wonder whether I should get him checked out at the Drs just in case there is something physically wrong, although he is normally good at telling us if he feels unwell.

Mynewnickname, he goes to preschool two mornings a week and also nursery two full days a week, which he seemed to be coping with fine but now I'm not too sure. He does get very tired.

OP posts:

toffeeapple · 03/02/2009 20:00

DD1 is going through this right now!
She has a cold at the moment, she's VERY tired and in need of a holiday, she's only 4 (since july) but already at school full time which makes her even more tired, and I think she's going through a growth spurt as she seems to be hungry all the time.
I react like the others have said by trying (as best I can) to ignore the bad and praise the good, give her attention, cuddles etc...
But she is very trying, screams at her brother one minute, pretending to be his mum the next, and on the verge of tears all the time. On the other hand, she seems to have developped a really funny sense of humour and seems more "grown up".
Another stage I suppose.

annoyingdevil · 03/02/2009 20:01

My dd's four in April and her behavour becomes more like this each day. She's gone from eating everything to extreme fussiness; she's rude, whingy and refuses to pick up her toys.

JackiePaper · 03/02/2009 20:22

pretty sure boys have a testosterone surge around the age of 4. i can sympathise, my ds is 4.8 and it is getting better. slowly.

Lilyloo · 03/02/2009 20:27

My dd has terrible mood swings too , just turned 4.
She really is that song 'when she is good she is very very good but when she is bad she is horrid.
Also had lots of questions about death etc and other peoples feelings / friendships etc.

I vaguely remember this with ds and was also worried about him at school. He turned into a dream when he started school and i now find myself wondering what i was worrying about.

Elibean · 03/02/2009 22:19

I found pretending dd had pms helped us both - I was more tolerant and less stressed

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