Nastiness towards younger sibling - verging on bullying?

[elephantjuice]

My ds age 5 has always been hard work and jealous in a (imo) normal way of his younger sister (almost 3). We also have another dd age 7.

But lately I feel the nastiness towards her has become quite extreme. He also fights with dd1 who is older but she can handle him, iyswim. As soon as he comes home from school it starts. I give them a snack then they go off to "play" and all I can hear is "You're so stupid", "I'm never going to let you play with me" etc etc, usually followed at some point by a physical assault and dd running to me crying. I try to let minor stuff go and leave them to sort it out but I've been watching without them seeing me and dd hasn't been doing anything to provoke him. I give him a telling off and put him in time out if he makes dd cry.

Yesterday he said out of the blue in the car that he wished dd2 was dead. I know he doesn't mean it but it shows a lot of resentment imo. I've asked him why he's saying mean thigs to dd but he just shrugs and laughs.

I can't think of any reason why it should have suddenly got worse. Is this still normal sibling rivalry or should I be worried? I'm an only child so this is all new to me.

Thanks in advance.

It sounds very similar to how my DSs behave (they are 8.5 and 6). DS1 has always bullied DS2 and sometimes he can be really nasty in the way he speaks to his brother. Arguments often end in DS2 crying because DS1 has pinched him. When he was younger he did say he wished his brother was dead although he has thankfully grown out of that one!

Like you I try and let the minor stuff go as the more I get involved, the more resentment I feel there is likely to be. I have no real advice but I do feel that it is normal sibling rivalry with my 2. I will say though that as they have got older, DS2 will now stand up for himself and the rows are much more 2 sided - not sure if that is a good thing though!

Thanks becklespeckle. dd2 is indeed standing up to him more and more but also copying some of the nasty stuff which she doesn't do at all when he's at school. He goes mad if she as much as looks at any of his stuff, so she will do the same to him even though with other kids she usually shares no problem.

I thought (naively) having 3 children close in age would be lovely with them all growing up together and playing. I never had that but no-one was mean to me either. But at the moment it seems that the only time we have harmony in the house is when they're all occupied separately. Even watching a DVD causes major shouting - "Move out of the way or I'll kick you to death!!" etc. Where does he get this from? I certainly don't talk to him like that and neither does dh.

He gets it from the playground!

DS is 5 and decided he said he wanted to kill his sister the other day.

But quite a lot of the time they play well together.

Have you read 'sibling rivalry'? I think it's quite good on helping your children to sort out their own problems, and pointing out how the parent's behaviour can aggravate the rivalry.

I second that, they get a lot from the playground!

Did he just start school this year? I noticed a lot of changes in ds's behaviour after he had been at school a few months. I think in his head, he was now very mature (at 5!) and therefore, he could lord it over his younger sister.

Could he be jealous of the time that dd has at home with you on her own as he now has none? If so, would it be possible to have some dd free time with him?

He is in year 1, so second year of school. He was already at playgroup when dd2 was born so I'd be surprised if he's suddenly aware she's at home with me (it's not that much anyway - she goes 3 mornings to playgroup too). I've been taking turns to take him and dd1 for coffee on saturday mornings for some 1 to 1, and yes he loves it and is nicely behaved etc. It's hard to plan for more 1 to 1 than that although it sometimes happens by chance if dd1 is out doing something and dd2 is asleep (she hardly ever sleeps during the day anymore though).

He has always been a very headstrong child and wants to impose his will on everyone, including me.

Yesterday he was so awful to dd2 in the bath that I didn't read him a story and told him why. I know that probably doesn't help and he needs more time with me not less, but he was so mean and I was so [angry} !!

Sorry that went wrong - it should have read that I was so !!