how to discipline a 21 month old who grabs at other kids faces??? any help appreciated

[ahfeckit]

my 21 month old grabs out at other kids faces and has been doing this for a few months now. i've been telling him off, but it makes no difference (as in, 'that was naughty, give x a kiss to say 'sorry'). he does this but then 5 mins later he'll be back to doing the same thing again. and again, and again.
i no longer take him to toddler groups because i get so embarassed about his behaviour and find it exhausting constantly telling him off (when it makes no difference anyway).

any advice? anyone else got a toddler like this? how did you deal with the behaviour? how do you discipline them?

my DH thinks smacking is the answer, but i refuse to go down this route.

Ds is exactly the same age and does exactly the same thing. I do the same as you, tell him it was naughty, and to give the person a hug but he still does it again. I have to say that occasionally I do tap his wrist, because otherwise he doesnt realise its wrong.

He will grow out of it - I think with ds its more frustration that he cant express himself properly. Ds does it to dp if he picks him up - he has drawn blood on several occasions - luckily when its other kds its more just a nip?

Keep taking him to groups., keep an eye on him, try and identify situations before it happens, and keep telling him its wrong, an take him away and sit him by himself if he keeps doing it.

I know it makes you feel bad, but hopefully most mums will realise that its just a phase that most kids go through and that its not your fault - or his.

It'll get better.

He is still so small and discipline doesn't really work at this age. I'm afraid it's a question of repeating yourself an awful lot with 'don't do that it's not nice' then distracting him with some other activity. He doesn't understand sorry and personally I would say he is not being naughty as such, just trying to understand his boundaries.

Ds2 is 21 months and it is very tiring, there is a lot of repetition and a lot of distraction technique going on. It'll get easier soon.

Keep going to the toddler groups, I'm sure no one really notices, it always seems worse to you than to the other parents.

thanks for your advice geordieminx, i was really starting to get worried and concerned about all this. i know alot of it is normal toddler behaviour, but when he keeps doing it, and just is not getting the message loud and clear, you just can't help sometimes wonder 'is it me, have i been going wrong somewhere?' you know?
you have reassured me . thanks.i will try and persist with telling him off, and a smack on the wrist too. even visiting friends houses with kids, i can't even sip a cup of tea, because he will be hitting our or grabbing at faces (this is strangely what he does, never actually seen any other toddler doing this) as soon as he knows my attention is with the other mother, talking about whatever. i feel constantly on edge, can't relax at all..
may think about going back to toddler groups but at the moment i'm just so fed up of it.

thanks themasterandmargaritas. i know he is so young still, and in alot of the books (such as Supernanny) they have naughty step techniques and similar things, but they have no techniques for the under 3's. it's all very vague. that's whats been annoying, there's just hardly any advice out there on what to do. i was going to phone HV but she'll think i'm totally neurotic .

glad to hear that a few others have had similar experiences with their toddler. seems i'll have to persist with the telling off then. as tiring as it gets...

i find toddler groups too stressful that's what puts me off returning most of the time, never get a chance to sit and have a coffee like the other mums do. i am constantly checking up on what DS is up to.

As they learn to communicate it gets a whole lot easier. I think we started using the naughty step at around 2.5 when they can understand the consequences of their actions. At the moment he is not doing it to be spiteful, just to gain your attention so that is why he is doing it when at toddler group or out at other people's houses. Because he LOVES you so much he wants your attention all the time. My ds pulls all the DVDs out of the bookcase when he wants my attention or climbs on top of the table

IMO this is the worst stage and it really does start to get easier. You are not doing anything wrong at all, just don't expect too much of him.

I generally stop going out so much at this age, its just so stressful (that's not to say you shouldn't go out at all, but maybe a bit less if you are very active).

You have to pay full attention, and its exhausting, but be on your toes.

When it happens, remove his hands, with a firm "No" and stern face, looking at him. If he goes to do it again, remove him to another part of the room.

Be persistent and consistent. It will be incredibly repetative probably, but that is how it sinks in.

And really lay on the praise when he does play nicely.

I disagree with the smack on the wrist, because its giving the message that you can hit.

I have complete sympathy with you. DS1 was a biter and monitoring that one was a constant battle - which I didn't always win

Good luck.

Are you sure he is being naughty? DD loves grabbing faces, but see it from her point of view:

-nice chubby cheeks,
-it moves,
-lips wobble...

I have found that blocking her grab helps, and then saying "gentle", then helping her to use a flat hand helps.

Same with pulling at the dog's fur. It is just fascination, so she has been taught to be gentle and use a flat hand.

I agree with Lou - a lot of the time it isnt agression when ds does it (apart from dp's face), we have learnt "gentle" and "gentlees" which is a stroke which is nice - it orginally stemmed from stroking the cat, although he still grabs the cats tail

thanks girls for the support, i know DS isn't doing it to be nasty towards other kids, he just doesn't really know any better yet.
it is bloody hard this age. we go out to meet other mums but i'm going to limit that to one a week now, and take him swimming, to grandparents etc, the rest of the week.
i really appreciate everyone's input, it's really got me upset all this, esp when another mum thinks that it needs nipped in the bud. it really made me think am i that a bad mum. but now the record has been set straight, he's just doing it to get attention, and any attention is better than none at all (although I spend a lot of my day praising him when he does great things too, esp with his words). i hate getting on at him, isn't it just the worst thing in the world having to tell your child off constantly!

I think the problem here is that we encourage our little ones to touch to learn and to feel so of course when confronted by a beutiful wrm face a child wants to touch it and feel it and this is sometimes quite roughly done.

Theres not an ounce of malice in him doing this he isnt intending to hurt anyone so I would encourage positive behaviour to this by letting him touch your face saying nicely gently softly etc you touch his face in return perhaps using a low hushed tone to say gently hh thats nice etc etc and then when he goes towards other children say in that voice nicely/gently/softly etc nd just be extra alert and quick to move his hands if hes going in roughly.

Its just a phase .....bitings usually next .

Itd comforting to read these messages, my lo is 16 months and has just started hitting out at faces, I dont think she is doing it just to touch, my friends all came to my house yest and their lo's are all same age give or take a week or so, its when they are playing with her toys or in her space I guess, she lashes out quite agressivly and its so embarrassing! Both my hubby and I believe in nursery and going to groups etc to encourage a child to be outgoing and confident, shes not atall clingy or jealous usually. I am currently expecting our second child so I expect my hormones arnt helping as I am making allot of this, but I hate to think people think I have a nasty child, I told her off yest, slapped her wrist, took her away from the group...and she still carried on!

Would it help to change the way you tell him off? Maybe instead of telling him it's naughty, see if you can get him to understand the effect on the other child. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous and it's a big ask for a 2 yea old to consider the other person's feelings! MY DS is 2 and I find if I tell my him it's 'naughty' he gets upset or angry but doesn't really register what's happening for the other person.
If I say 'Look at Mary, she is really upset because you hurt her when you grabbed her face. We do not grab people's faces.' Instead of making him say sorry maybe try something like 'How could you help Mary feel better?' My DS then either says sorry, pats, gives a toy, or if he doesn't think it deserves an apology, he does nothing! (That's charming - slightly embarrassing but at least he's not saying something he doesn't mean!) Doesn't mean it will work every time, but one day it might get through!
2 year olds can be agressive - it's nothing to do with their environment or their parents - it is developmental. It'll pass (or that's what they tell me and I hope they're right or I might not survive either! Mine's screams rather than hits which is just as antisocial!)

my son is 2 and half now he did exactly this when he was the same age. He lashed out by hitting or butting into you! I put it down to a bit of attention seeking and a bit of jealousy, my dd is 13mth younger and when she got to about 6 months and able to interact better all this started. As with everything else i think that you just have to stick at it. I agree with shylily concentrate his telling off on the impact of his actions. i think the smack on the wrist idea does not work..u can't say don't hit when your angry and then appear to do just that. Chin up! my ds now 31 mths and rarely hits at all. Even when he realises he has done something wrong he's brilliant at both owning up and apologising. Biggest problem i had- and still do sometimes- was telling him off when i was angry rather than talking 10 seconds to take stock it only resulted in horrible standoffs and was totally, ineffective. Just ended up mad at myself

oh also bought him a story book called Be Gentle! and kept reminding him of it when he hit out

I wanted to post for anyone also finding this old thread looking for advice on this issue. The suggestions here are really disappointing. Calling a child naughty doesn't help, it only skews their view of themlves very negatively and makes it even less likely they'll listen to you - I wouldn't listen to you if you called me naughty. Children are not naughty, they do things that upset others, but they are not naughty by character.

Next, forcing a child to kiss (!!!) or hug another child as apology sends a very alarming message about body boundaries and consent - especially if its a boy Does the other child want to be hugged or kissed? Are these children you don't know at an open play space? I find this utterly bizarre. Again, of you asked me to do that I'd think you were bonkers, why are we treating small children differently?

Next, a tap on the wrist is a the start of a path towards physical abuse. Absolutely best not to even go there. Once you up the ante on what the child thinks will happen it will escalate from there. I don't feel it's necessary to go into how very damaging this is.

Finally, the naughty step is also deeply damaging and asks children to resolve emotional distress and conflict alone which they are absolutely not equipped to do. This leaves them spiraling out of control and learning not to trust their parents with their emotions. Children co-regulate with you, you must be with them gently explaining their error without anger.

The only things here that are useful are the compassionate and understanding responses rooted in what is developmentally appropriate and expected for a child. They are far too young for malice, this is impulsive behaviour designed to meet a need and it will happen for years after this age. It will not be curbed by cruel approaches like name-calling and isolation. If you want the answer, talk to your child with the respect you would give an adult and give them the benefit of the doubt.