Help......I dread picking my twins up from nursery

[flebington]

I know they are tired from a day in nursery & everything, but recently DD1 & DD2 are being a nightmare when I pick them up from day nursery. They are 3 & half, and although they have always been clingy - recently they are becoming more & more demanding & 'shouty'. Tonight for example, they greeted me with a lovely smile but it went downhill very quickly. There's the task of trying to get their coats and shoes on first of all, which they used to love doing themselves but now its like I have to 'stuff' them into everything to get them out of the door. DD1 would not let me take her thumb out of her mouth to get her arm through the sleeve!! Then there's the arguements over who is going to open the gate, sit in which seat etc, and then started their usual demands for chocolate - which I previsouly banned at the end of last week because I told them they have not been good enough for it, then they started shouting at me for what song they wanted on the CD player and then shouting at me to turn it up. So i said if you keep shouting at me i'll just turn it off - which I did. Then DD2 said she wanted a MacDonalds when we passed it on the way home!! When I said a firm NO she started screaming her head off and took her seatbelt off!!

This is a typical journey on the way home from nursery, apart from the seatbelt thing - they have never done that before.

I hate picking them up because although I have missed them during the day and all I want is a cuddle and smile, what I get is just awful - I know they are tired but they have been at this nursery for ages and it didn't used to be like this.

I end up in tears when I get through the door when we get home.

When I follow threats through like taking away their 'in-car' treats, and turning off the music if they shout out their demands - it has no effect.

Please, anyone any ideas? Is this just normal as its making me feel rubbish?

My DH is away all next week so i've got no back up when I get home after picking them up and I am not looking forward to that at all!

Have I just got to toughen up, take deep breaths and ignore it?......Its so hard because its in 'stereo' its so intense when they are both whinging and going on at me!

I am a bit new to this so sorry if its a bit long or boring!

sounds normal to me (but double-bad, clearly!). i never solved it. just tune out, don't give in, ignore them. sorry for you.

I sympathise....my DS is the very same. And he wasn't before (he is three)

He is tired, both before and after nursery, and I bear the brunt of some terrible behaviour and tantrums.

But he has got better recently. I have become much firner with him and his behaviour and got his dad to do the same. By this I mean...saying NO instead of somehow trying to please him all the time...sticking to it and not going back on my word...being consistent about what I want him to do and if there are tantrums then he has a time out in his room for three minutes.

He was, I think, testing boundaries and seeking security although nothing really had changed in his life.

And my happy boy is back. For now

You have my deepest sympathy. Ds has ALWAYS been like this when I collect him from any sort of childcare. To be faced with twins doing this must be truly awful. I spent quite a lot of journeys home with both of us in tears and awful tantrums on pick-up were par for the course. I often saw many parents arrive after me and leave before me just because it took us so long for us to get out of the nursery and to get ds strapped in the car to go home -

Sometimes we are there 15-20 mins before we actually left It was even longer when he had the big tantrums in the past.

I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is that as he has got older he has got better. DS now 4.2 often (well at least 50% of the time) has relatively peaceful pickups but he still adamantly refused to put his own coat on etc.

On the other hand since you say they didn't used to do this (ds always did ) maybe something isn't right. Has anything changed in their childcare?

I have twins of 5 years old. I can sympathise with you and assure you that this is normal behaviour in most children and is developing probably due to a few factors.
Firstly, you are looking forward to seeing them and them you but there is also the punishment bit because you have left them during the day. Dont feel guilty about this because it is a fact of most parent's lives that they work and the children are in nursery.
Second is the normal rivalry between twins especially over who has and does what. I have found it easier to set out who does what before you go anywhere and for this to be your choice not their's. So one can open the gate and the other can have the sit that you know they would want, on that day and then change the next. As for the McD's my children dont bother asking anymore because they have had the same response everytime which is no and they have screamed and shouted and I ignore it even though I am griding my foot through the floor of the car in an attempt to stop myself reacting.
Third is the fact that you have no back up when you get in. Kids no this and save their worst for when you are least able to deal with it.
This all comes from the mother who has just returned from a cinema trip with 3 children and balled them all out and sent them to their rooms!

Thanks for the messages, not that I am wishing the same on anyone else but it is re-assuring to know that it seems fairly normal! I think the reason they have probably got worse recently is because I have taken it quite badly and they have seen the reaction they get from me, so they do it more. I have promised myself 2 hold it together when they are next at nursery, ignoring, deep breaths & thinking of a happy place ha ha! We do normally do the 'taking it in turns thing' with the car seats but sometimes I forget who has sat where, perhaps I should leave something of theirs on the seat so we all remember!

They were adorable most of today, but hey it's the weekend & we had nothing to do except give them all our attention!
Thanks again folks it was nice to chat.

There was me with my rational advice today and then what did I do, end up losing it with my 5 year old who seems to be very precious at the moment for some reason better know to herself.

The child is infuriating and yet loving and funny all the same........one of those days when nothing was right for her and she kept winding up into a frenzy that she cannot come out of without some major fall-out.

No advice really apart from to ask how far is it between the nursery and car. If not far, I wouldn't bother putting coats on them so save you that problem.

Roddersb, I know what you mean when you have all those feelings at the same time, one of mine is extremely clingy, she won't leave me alone when I am with her and is very demanding of me, but is incredibly funny, and has a brilliant imagination, she is always telling me she loves me and is soooo cute, arrghhh!

Crokky - the nursery nurses said we could try keeping one in the room while one is getting ready and also I had a chat with the nursery nurses and they suggested using time out a bit more as the girls apparently respond really well to that at nursery. It worked this morning - as DD2 was having a strop and wouldn't get dressed as her favourite knickers were in the wash basket. I said I was going into my room to get dressed myself and if she wasn't dressed by the time I came out she would be going on time out - it worked a treat!

Still am dreading picking them up tonight after nursery though - we'll see what mood they are in!

Just in case you're not already doing so, try bringing a small snack for each of them when you pick them up - at around this age, dd became much hungrier after pre-school, and was more moody etc until she'd had something to eat and drink. I'm not saying its the whole solution, but might help - and distracts them a bit, too!

My twins used to do this at 3andhalf at nursery pickup, and at school pickup. I think they just wanted me all to themselves and not share with other twin. Now I do the following.
Have a special greeting for each, rather than mentally bracing myself for bad behaviour. Think how pleased you are to see them.
Get down to their level rather than issuing orders.
Tell them what is going to happen, now we are going to find our coats, go to the car etc. Keep talking calmly and firmly to them rather than sounding off - ie: no " Why are you behaving in that way, Will you hurry up Don't do that."
Ignore attempts at disruption whilst showing approval for good behaviour. (easier said than done)
BRIBERY. very important Snack when coats are on and sitting in car/starting to walk down road.
Lovely music to listen to in car.
Avoid threats "you won't get this if you behave badly" because it only increases rivalry between twins and your own feelings of tyranny bad mothering.
Do they need loo when they come out of nursery? Mine always hung on till hometime and then were even more fractious because they were bursting.
Coats and shoes? Large bag? put them in car without any coats and shoes a few times They might think this a bit strange and ask to put them on next time. But it will have stopped being a way of getting your attention. Remember they want you to spend as long as possible struggling with them not the other one.

I think they get sort of stuck in a certain pattern of behaviour that you have to rejig.

Great advice thank you. Re: the snacks, I had been giving them a snack when they had got into their car seats, but then I stopped giving them snacks when they would not get into their seats without 'flapping' and 'shouting' and starting becoming too expectant of receiving a snack, i.e."what have you got for me & and I want chocolate" etc even before they got to the car. So I told them they couldn't have any snacks until they started being better for me after nursery and getting into their seats without shouting at me and getting into a flap - but it had no effect. I think I need to re-introduce the Bribery but be better at it!

They have never needed the loo, have always been before i get them. On Tuesday, the nursery nurses were great as they have seen my plight and they had told them that if they were good girls & got their coats/shoes on nicely etc they could go back into the room to get a sticker. This worked well. They did repeatedly ask for stuff on the way home and their voices got gradually louder - but i managed to ignore them all the way.

Although they were not in a bad mood - they were bouncing off the walls, completely hyper, and unwound a whole roll of toilet paper in the blink of an eye, and did not stop running around till bed time!! BUT they were happy!!

Just read your thread it just sounds like my twin girls 4 years old and doing half days at nursery..Wow their behaviour is the same but i beleive they get extra tired and are actually hungry so after our short walk home they eat and then i let them do what they like (usually they draw or read) in an effort to calm them down, and they play and play and fight and shout and well everything normal until 8 pm when its bed and sleep! What i must say is they are extra clingy with me since starting nursery but that is getting better and they do demand a lot more but i beleive that is just because they are saying to me 'Mama why did u leave me again today' they enjoy nursery but they still are a little anxious without me being around (lots better than the first month) it will get easier be strong and well in times of great stress try to remember the good points and the nice things they do from time to time thats my strategy!!

Very obvious but have you tried a star chart. My ds adores his and I'm sure it makes a big difference to his behaviour.

Tiredness and hunger are his two downfalls. They might well be hungry but personally, I'd be giving a healthier snack so they don't get too hyper about the idea of chocolate.
But then I'm getting whinging from one at a time not two so that's easy for me to say!

Not sure if its helpful but at my nursery our mum of twins phones 5 mins before arriving and we do shoes and coats for her as she has her hands full. Doesn't solve the other problems but its one less stress!

By the way - in awe that that you get them to nursery at all! I have one 7 mth old and cannot manage to get him out the door!

I completely understand your point about the avaricious way they say Where's my chocolate? What have you brought for me? as if that's the only reason they want to see you. Like you I said "nothing until you ask get ready politely" and tried to avoid really treat-like choc snacks(just bread and butter or fruit really or those brioche roll things). It is overwhelming.
Another way I used to prevent flareups was pre-emptive distraction techniques rather than discipline. Telling silly stories about the twins on the way home, or asking questions about fantasy matters, or just trying to pull them together as a team so they forgot they were trying to get individual attention out of me by screaming. Even things like pretending to be mountain climbers hanging onto a rope when we were crossing road together worked, or that the car was flying through the sky or what a strange thing I just saw out of window..etc what did they think it was?

Thanks for more comments - wow this stuff is helpful and its really nice to talk to people in the same situations. Star charts is one of those things I was going to do about a year ago , I was going to make one each for them - nothing flashy, but I had started thinking of all the categories and stuff, and just never got round to it!! I really think we NEED them now.

I will try to focus on the distraction thing too. I must admit I lost the plot with them this morning as they were being really difficult to get ready, then I felt really bad driving them to nursery because it started the day off badly

Husband is back from work trip tomorrow though, whoopie

To add to problems, their main nursery nurse would like to speak to us at the next parents chat sessions, as they said DD1 is being extremely clingy & a bit more demanding recently. Arrrrggggg!!!

Thanks cat64 for your help. The nursery have been more helpful & they had told the girls they had to be nice to mummy so they could get a sticker for getting ready nicely again which helped, but the novelty may wear off! But it helped this week and as a knock on effect they were then better at getting in the car. As for dh picking them up unfortunately we are now a one car family & he cycles or scooters, and I work a bit of a distance to be able to sort something out. A nice idea. I can't fault him thou & he would help if he could believe me. He has always done everything 50/50 & he tries to be home when we get in 4 back up!

Don't worry about it.

About two weeks into his recepetion class my son laid on his stomach on the floor of the school hall and screamed at the top of his voice "go away Daddy I hate you".

I had only gone to pick him up from after school club but he was having such a nice time he just wanted me to leave him there all night.

Of course he had to do this little floor show in front of the headmistress and a lot of other parents.

I could feel them mentally taking note about 'issues in the home environment'.

Of course once I got him out of the door he was as sweet as pie.

I suspect your twins are just reacting to having to go home.