5 and a half yo DS in trouble at school... Please help, I'm useless :(

[BEAUTlFUL]

I have a lovely, bright, sparky DS in Year 1. He is very good at the work, but doesn't concentrate or finish unless he's sitting with the teacher. He is v easily distracted, and prefers to chat than work.

He has always been a handful, and we always have had to ask him to do something (boring)a few times before he does it. However, it's becoming a problem at his school, and the Deputy Head has now called us in for a chat. This is mainly because he has had two episodes of naughty behaviour this week (he bit someone, and pushed over an older boy), but I'm wondering if she is going to address his other behaviour too.

I don't know what to do. He's my first child so I never had any gague of what was "normal" and what was naughtiness! He seems a bit younger than the other children in his class, but then he IS younger, some of them are 9 months older than he is.

I wonder if it's a discipline problem? I'm hopeless at that, I think. I struggle to be consistent and seem to be constantly stressed, which means I probably shout at little things more than I should?

What can we do to gently help him understand that school-time is a time to sit and work, and playtime, etc, is when you can run around, chat, etc?

I'm really starting from scratch here. I love him so much but feel I'm letting him down.

All suggestions welcome! No comment too small! Thanks. xx

I've been a bit vague, haven't I? He also wets himself unless we remind him to go for a wee. (He is dry at night.) I think he just gets distracted/involved in doing something and doesn't mind wetting himself... But of course soon he'll get teased for that at school.

I see the other children all serene and calm and wonder what I've done wrong.

First of all, I think you have to accept that (unless he has known Special Needs) the school has to punish him for any pushing/hitting/biting. Make it clear both to him and to the Head that you are behind them on this.

Biting/pushing is not normal in the sense that it's only what you can expect of this age group. Most of them don't do it and the ones that do find themselves in trouble.

Having said that, neither is it abnormal in the sense that you now have to start worrying that there is something seriously wrong with your son. A lot of perfectly normal children do do this; they just have to learn not to.

I would not necessarily withdraw privileges or start behaviour charts at home, but I would speak to him about it, explain that this is totally unacceptable and that the school will have to discipline him if he does. Don't let him think he can come to you for sympathy if he gets told off by the teacher.

However, I would also keep a very open mind when going to this meeting, just in case the Deputy wants to flag up a more general problem. Try to remember that if they do this, then it is likely to be because they have his best interests at heart and want to think of the best way of helping him. If there are any more deep-seated problems (like some kind of SN), they may be able to help.

I think the school is right to punish him! I really do, and I've told his teacher already that I'm 100% behind them.

i supppse i'm just concerned that on other threads on here, children tend to be naughty at home but angelic at school. What does it mean if a child is a handful everywhere?

Maybe he is just young for his age. Maybe he does have some minor problem that makes it extra hard for him (I have known not just ASd but also things like dyspraxia and glue ear to cause this kind of problem and there could be multiple other explanations). Impossible to tell really. I would go into this meeting with an open mind and see what they have to suggest.

It is not the case that all children are angelic at school: try speaking to some teachers

if you do decide to work on his behaviour with the school, I have a suggestion which seems to be working well with my DS (5) because it shows him that school and home are both together on this. I have made him a 'star book', a little pocket notebook with a day on each page; if he gets a star from the teacher for 5 days he gets a treat (computer time at home). At the front of the book I wrote the things he has to remember to do; in DS's case, he has to remember to "be kind to people even when I am feeling cross" and "remember that the teacher is in charge". You would obviously choose different words to express what your DS should try to do (ideally use a positive way of putting it - ie "do this" not "don't do that"). Hope the meeting goes well.

When's your chat with the DHT?

Let us know how you get on.

I think the key thing here is to agree where the boundaries lie so that they are equally enforced at school and home. Use the meeting to get ideas as to how they have handled it successfully with other children and be open ot both ideas and positive criticism on both sides. Maybe an incentive scheme would help (ie. coloured marbles put in a jar for good behaviour, another colour for bad , so many more good than bad to be rewarded at the end of the week with stickers or Match Attax etc). Also raise any underlying concerns about his relative immaturity, progress and need for one to one. The school won't have resources to continue this indefinitely but maybe they have other strategies available or can refer. Good luck with the meeting.

Thank you all very much! I feel a lot better. I spoke to his teacher yesterday and it sounds like he is defying her, on purpose... Oh god.

Hello Beautiful! Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too have a ds in Y1 who is having similar problems in the classroom. My ds is a very active boy and so finds sitting still and writing really hard. When he has had a bad day at school we talk through the situation and how it would be best to deal with it next time. Ds gives all the right answers but seems to forget what to do in the heat of the moment.

Sounds like you are a really caring Mum who is doing all the right things. I too get stressed sometimes but it is only because we care so much and want to sort this out. Some children take a little longer to read or write and our ds's are just taking a little longer to learn some of the other skills.

Sorry I have not been able to offer much advice but wanted you to know you are not alone. I will watch your post with interest!

My ds1 is also in year 1 and is having a hard time. He has always had his own agenda and always pushing the boundries. When things get bad at school we discuss together how to help him and his behaviour.

At them moment we have a home/school book that we write in every night about his behaviour, good and bad and the teachers do the same so this way ds knows we all know what he is up to.

In reception they used happy/sad sticker charts and the teacher gave me her stickers and pad to use at home so we were using the same system as the school.

Hopefully the school will work with you.

tbh "defying on purpose" doesn't really tell you a lot, does it? Could be anything- genuinely wanting to be top dog (which needs to be sorted), feeling unhappy about something and taking it out on her, failing to understand the different behaviour required towards a teacher as opposed to a parent- some immature children take a long time to grasp this which makes them stand out: I remember dd being absolutely aghast when one of the friends she invited to her party proceeded to cheek her Dad in the way she would have done her own.