when to worry about shyness in 16mo

[palmetto]

Hi, this is my first time to post.

I was wondering if anyone had useful information on shyness in toddlers? My 16mo DS is very shy, but everyone says not to worry about it that he'll grow out of it. I can't find much information on the subject which will help me understand when shyness is just shyness and when it is something more to worry about.

Examples of shyness: 1) he won't go to his grandparents or be left in a room with them or any other family/friends. 2) He holds on to me and sits on my lap when we are with a play group of children he has been seeing on a regular basis since birth. 3) He hides his head if we are out and someone says hello to him.

He started to go to nursery at 12m, but it took him 4 weeks to settle in - when I say 4 weeks, I mean they wouldn't allow me to leave him more than 30 minutes at a time because he was too distressed. Once I could finally leave him for a few hours, it took him another 4-5 weeks before he seemed happy. He now seems to really enjoy nursery and he gets good reports. I sometimes drop in early just to see him interacting and he always seems to be happily playing with the other kids.

He also seems interested in older children and not so nervous with them. But, I am worried that his shyness may be the first signs of autism or other social disorders. Am I worrying too much?

hi palmetto, my dd is 18 months and takes a while to warm to people but once she knows them she is very close to them wanting kisses etc. she will cling to my legs a bit if the children are running about being boisterous as she is small and gets knocked down easily.
What i do is let her take her time going to people, never force her straight over, let her some back to me whenever she needs a cuddle.
i never label her shy as i think if everyone keeps saying are you shy and the parent says yes she is shy then the child may give up and just be shy, like it gives them an excuse not to interact. if people (usually bloody grandparents) say are you being shy (when she won't kiss them immediatly) i say no dd isn't shy at all, she is very friendly but takes time to come over and she will when she wants to.

thanks ilovetochat. I had read recently that it is good to never say a child is shy and I think that is really good advice. I'm trying to do that now.
When we meet new people or are in situations were he is being shy, I always try to stay on the floor at my DSs level so he can come and sit on my lap and feel that I am right there if he needs me. The problem is that sometimes (most times) he never warms up. We spent 3 days with grandparents over Christmas and he never warmed up to them. Granted, I don't think they put in much of an effort, but that's another story!

dd sees her gps at least once a week and is very excited when they come but won't go and sit on their lap or have a cuddle for quite a while. but if she doesn't see someone for a couple of weeks its like she has lost all the trust again.
she will happily wave and say hello to strangers but if they come close she crys.

Hi palmetto,
I have a similar situation except my DD is now 21mo and isnt showing much sign of getting over her shyness. That is except with grandparents, its only just started to improve, but she is now willing to allow me to leave the room and will even spend an hour or so with them without me. Elsewhere she still finds socialising very difficult, reacting very strongly and with fear if another child so much as walks past her at a soft play area. I have been taking her to classes / soft play / playgroups since she was 6 months in an attempt to bring her out of her shell and find myself making excuses for her when other mothers look at her and question me as though she has psychological problems. I have decided to let her come out of her shell in her own time and on her own terms. If anyone has a better idea let me know!

I sympathise with all the posters here. I don't mind that my DD (15 months) is cautious and sweet by nature. I accept that she needs time to warm to people and that she will cry if somebody new attempts to pick her up (or even talk to her sometimes!) I even get used to her enjoying soft play much better when its empty rather than when there are other children there.

BUT...the really hard bit for me is explaining away the behaviour to other mothers/parents/neighbours etc who all look offended when she doesn't respond to their advances. Then they ask me "does she go to a nursery?" as if that would solve all problems. DD doesn't go to nursery as I am a SAHM but we do go to playgroup and socialise a lot with other mums and tots.

I guess this behaviour will become more appealing as the DCs get older. A shy and over sensitive toddler can be a pain but a shy and sensitive 9 yr old can entertain themselves, get lost in books or games and choose when to be sociable. Its a shame that when DCs are very small the whole world expects them to be cutesy and cuddly and smiling all the time.

Sorry not to be more help! If it makes you feel any better I think the behaviour is totally normal and lots of parents I know have been through this. If your DS is happy at nursery then he must be well adjusted. They would pick up any issues there.

Hello, I just wanted to add my bit, although I have no good advice! Mine is 17mo and started to get fussy with other people from 3 months and it got steadily worse from there! I still have to try hard not to worry especially when other folk are looking at us as if to say "what did you do to make her like this??" If she does warm up to someone, she will hold their hand or play with them but never cuddle or be picked up. Some well meaning family pressure her thinking she needs 'strong' encouragement which makes things worse. But really I'm having to train myself to be pragmatic about it, as she is happy and chatty and playful and independent at home with us, I know she's ok. We do go out to groups and things, which help, but I allow her to cling as long as she needs, she nearly always does scramble off to nervously investigate some toy - but always keeps close!

Thank-you everyone for sharing your stories, it does make me/us feel more normal. I agree that other people can make it really difficult. A neighbour or a shopkeeper can't understand why he hides his head and won't say hello and it really takes a concentrated effort to not reply 'he's just shy'. I think it is best for me to move my energy away from worrying about him and toward finding new ways to support him in feeeling more comfortable in discovering the world. I really appreciate having a place to ask the question and to have other mothers share their own experiences.